My partner is in my office taking a much needed solo stroll down memory lane. I’m staying away so she has the space to have a moment of personal reflection on the success of raising a child to the point of graduating high school. It is a big deal. She’s accomplished so much in her life and come so far from where she started. She does not always see it because she isn’t where she wants to be, but she has done so much. That is a common theme and one I want to look on in story: People who don’t recognize their own strength and accomplishments. Often it comes from a place of expecting more from ourselves. It can also come from a place of others expecting more of you or not having obtained a place in life where Maslow’s tricky hierarchy of needs leaves you feeling safe and comfortable.
Often it is powered by an awareness and feeling of powerlessness in the larger world. Once I recognized how I was limited by lack of wealth I was dark for a long time. I live in a world where we are taught to want things that are initially beyond our means. This is the central tenet of capitalism. We must strive for more, but there is so much more that we can never ever have enough. The trick is to separate yourself from that desire and be happy with the pleasures of family and friends. Beyond that it is possible to be happy with what you have and what you have done. I think about that when I think of her accomplishments. She has done so much and I feel pride for having her in my life each day.
Some Thoughts:
- I didn’t sleep last night. I wound up finally getting down after 2:30, and slept in till 9:25. Technically that is just shy of 7 hrs, so I suppose it was halfway decent sleep. The problem is the same as always–I don’t sleep well alone and I don’t do well when I am dealing with thoughts of death. The finality and inevitability of the end event terrifies me. No matter how much I turn to meditation, I am still terrified. It sucks.
- Game of Thrones night. Yeah, we’ll see.