I think I’ve been poisoned. It happened a long time ago–80’s or earlier. I was poisoned into thinking that if your mother didn’t love you then you were not someone who deserved love. I have carried that in my veins for decades now, and through a marriage that was largely manipulative, and on into a future beyond that. I’ve been poisoned to the point where I almost entirely expect to die alone and unloved. The one flicker of hope I have is the love I am in now, and I fear that my fear and my history may be enough to ruin that as well.
This fear has a lot to do with letting other people define who you are to the world. I have spent a life letting other people define who I am in this world. I have spent that time hiding myself and often feeling less than about the things I do because it doesn’t meet what others want to be able to say about me or what others respect or what others need. I cannot express how tired I am of being a villain in someone else’s story, because they want to manipulate the truth to make themselves the hero.
Some Thoughts:
- I’ve been following the polarizing debate about coach Prime for over a year now and for the first time in that saga I watched Prime actually say something to somebody who attacked one of his kids. He was instantly eviscerated by every news outlet I read for his willingness to ‘clap back’ as though he is supposed to be above it. Let me tell you that it is damn hard to stay above it when people insist on speaking on your name.