Author: admin

I did a freewrite earlier this week, which was fueled by a work incident and the need to write in a specific style as a writing exercise. I really believe in the idea that writing is about both circumstance and imitation. Those things lined up quite nicely for me in that regard. That means no freewrite tonight. I need to do more, I know. I need to flow, I know. I want a great many things I am not entirely getting in my brief and wondrous life, but I have the things I need. I have the family I always wanted, even if it didn’t turn out the way I wanted. Even if, at times, it feels like the 3 boys I raised are more aligned with a family that isn’t me. I’m coming to terms with all of it. I think I’m going to honor them in the space I get to create for myself in the house.

Even admitting to that space, which was once their room, is another nod to me moving forward. Slowly… but forward.

Some Thoughts:

1. Here in Iowa ready to watch my kid play football in the morning while I think about what a strange collision that is. When I was done with football at the tackle level but still throwing it around with dudes I knew some of those dudes would go work out with Kurt Warner back before his Barnstorming Days. Now his number is being retired before the game my kid is about to play in the state where I came in as a walk on and tried to forge my own career. Sliding doors. What could have been and what is always lies in some strange spectrum.
2. Lately, when I look up to se how much time I have left, it is 2:30 exactly. I don’t quite get how it always ends up being that.
3. Watched a football game with the kid tonight and there was a major injury. Hard to watch that with a kid about to go into battle…

I haven’t seen my mid kid in months and today I did and learned that he’s ruined his pinky finger. There is an opportunity for surgery down the road and rehab to follow, but he’s too locked in to consider such things. It is bent and will not straighten–will never straighten again if he refuses to get the surgery. It isn’t a thing that impacts his play. It probably impacts his typing, but that isn’t my issue. I don’t want him to feel some sort of away about himself. Scars do that to us; they leave impressions upon skin and bone that hold fast long after our minds have tried to move away from the moment. They keep us there indefinitely. I have a dozen scars on my flesh. I remember where each one came from, save for the one that I cannot understand if it happened one way or another. Both moments seem entirely true. Only one can be true.

He’s going to carry this injury in some form for the rest of his life. It is going to be a constant reminder of the sacrifices he made for this sport and this opportunity to be great. On Saturday he has his next chance to find that greatness. I want it for him so badly. This stopped being about me a long time ago. I know I failed at college football. All I wanted for them was to get a scholarship and get a chance to leave college without the massive debt I accrued. They’ve both outplayed my expectations. Now they’re trying to beat their own.

Some Thoughts:

1. Rams got thumped down under. Apparently they flew across the world and thought they could play without acclimating. Nope. 27-7.

Overwhelming two days ahead. Today is likely the greater of the two. I have but the one class, which means the work needs to take place today. Oh, there is work to be done. I did not reach the level of preparedness I hoped for over the summer. Still, I did enough to lay the groundwork for success. I have to build out the units for the week and then prepare the 4 in-class lessons, only two of which are even in the same prefix. It occurred to me yesterday that I teach a lot of different things, which I find amazing… and exhausting. Once I get it back to the mental space where I know exactly what I want to teach and how, I will be better off. That is, until I decide to switch it up again.

ENG is the hardest. Composition is a lost art. I teach it as a process over the course of two classes, which still requires me to dig into projects that are non-traditional and interesting enough that there is going to be that sense of process and understanding of the process (and need thereof) in these projects as opposed to the desire to leap forward to the end. It is hard to teach students the need to do the work when all we ever see out in the world is the polished product.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Bodycam footage shows officers discovering a Pennsylvania college student’s body in vehicle” If it bleeds, it still leads… We are increasingly becoming a society that shows everything.
2. I can cross this blog off my list for the day.

Well, that initial assessment of 73 turned into a 58 upon review. Film don’t lie. While the kid’s tackle rating and rush defense went up, his pass coverage dropped precipitously. He was targeted 11 times in his first game of the season. That’s a lot of work. He allowed 5 completions for a total of 47 yards and a 45% completion rate. Add a penalty to the action and it was not a great day at the office for #3. On the bright side, he recorded 1 defensive stop (tackle that constitutes a failure for the offense) and one PBU. Like I said, not a great day at the office. Still, it represents the floor. In fact, the coverage grade of 55.7 is just off his 56.8 for all of last season–a season in which he gave up 307 yards (11.8 per catch), 112 yards of YAC and 1 TD. That TD is the only one he is credited for giving up this season, which means they saw something on the film that didn’t put the one I thought he gave up on him.

One week at a time. I am looking forward to the next one. He’ll find himself up against a WR with an 81.9 grade, which is 24th out of nearly 900 Wrs. Should be a good matchup and a good prep for week 3.

Some Thoughts:

1. Good to be home… if only for the bed itself.

So here I am surrounded by family writing deep in to the night. I could have done the blog earlier but my mind was preternaturally focused on the other things happening. Beach mostly. It had been so long since we’d all been to the beach together that it spanned a 3d of the youngest’s life. I’m talking pre-covid here. That long. Everyone has grown and many have moved into their lives with the intention of continuing in that vein. In fact, two couldn’t make it. We watched one on TV playing his first game of the season. Jitters. It wasn’t his best showing but it was the best of that particular CB room. This was his floor. 73.3 rating. His ceiling needs to be closer to the 90s (PFF) for him to make the leap he wants to make in his career. 73’s don’t go pro.

That is, of course, the reason he couldn’t be with us here celebrating a brief vacation together. It’s back home now and back to work, which entails trying to figure out how to move forward with a mixture of classes that are coming together and coming apart in various ways. The basic English classes are in the coming apart stage, because the students are not in the mind space to be immediately successful and I am driving them hard. They are using GPT, of course, but it isn’t helping them. That is kinda the point of the class–to show the way to get better without using the machine as the core of what you do.

It is not working straight off. It will take time. Most good things do.

Some Thoughts:

1. I am without a bonkers headline. I would like to get back to this construct as well as the more familiar one of the Friday freewrite.

They started pumping in artificial energy moments after 2 pm. Elon was on the door, talking to a regular like they were old friends. Maybe they were. I didn’t know Elon outside of work. I didn’t know any of the regulars or anyone who’d I’d seen cross the threshold over the past four years. I didn’t think any of us knew any of them. It doesn’t make sense that we would. People like us couldn’t afford to come here. People who work here wouldn’t come after seeing what took place inside.

Today they used sound to fill the space. High tones that barely scraped the upper range of human hearing. Low tones in complementary timbre pulled out the taste of the energy so that when it hit the patrons they felt it hard enough to stay, and if we were lucky, come back the next day. I prefer when they use smells. There’s an old science rumor that smells stay in the memory longer. They latch on to your brain the way the smell of curry latches on to your walls. If I was in charge it would be smells every day. I’m not in charge. I’m just the one they call to clean up.

Some Thoughts:

1. No idea where I was going with this… Needed a freewrite though.

Heck of a day for all of us.

Vacation isn’t a word I use often, but this feels like it fits. We’re spending a few days bonding as a family and not really focusing on work. I don’t have a profession where I can turn it completely off. Taking classes makes that moreso, but there is enough free time through the weekend that I can get things done at the minimal setting and still stay locked in with the family.

I’m drained from all of it. I’m drained from being in the sun and running around and walking more miles than I have since touching down in the USA again. It is a worthwhile drain. It feels like I earned this fatigue and a good night’s sleep is on the way. There are not a lot of words here in this one, because there is not a lot of me left on the bone tonight. Tomorrow there ought to be more in the allotted time.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “UN General Assembly endorses a new world map that shows more accurately Africa’s size” Yeah, the US voted against the map. We liked the old way better…

Years ago in the wake of Covid, my middle son was a freshman in high school. He was thirteen years old and most of his friends were playing youth football in the spring. He wanted to play with them. He wanted that one last run. So I let him play with his hometown squad. One game he came up against his former travel coach. That guy complained to the league and had him removed from the game. Most of that guy’s starters were older than my kid. He was penalized for being smart enough to be in high school. I was pissed.

I’m even more pissed about a judge letting guys who signed, practiced, and some who even played preseason games with professional teams being allowed to go back and play college games–most notably for LSU, where the legal fight is being waged. This is not okay. They went up. Now this is creating precedent for players to come back down. Yes, it is about the 5 year thing, but what is to stop a kid from declaring in his 3rd year, trying his hand at a pro contract, and then falling back to college if it doesn’t work out.

What is so bad about that?

I would say it breaks the game in terms of that line between pro and non-pro. I would argue that ‘safety net’ is antithetical to what CFB praises itself as being. I’m not a fan. I don’t think it should stand.

Some Thoughts:

1. Good but tough week of classes. I guess I’m back.

I’ve reached a peculiar place in my understanding of being a parent: Sometimes you need to recognize that different kids grow up in different ways at different times and age has little to do with it. This is a truism I’m facing as a dad watching my kids (step or otherwise) grow up at various rates and entering into their lives in various fashions. It is also a lesson to realize that what I want from them isn’t necessarily what they want or what they think happiness looks like. I have one son who goes out once a week solely because his work mates have created a scenario where he is invited to participate with them in a way he feels comfortable. Otherwise he’s home doing him. Another is out all the time and functions basically independent of parenting. That one is 17 and moored by church and church group and activities pertaining to school and sport as opposed to any ‘north’ being a parent. There are others and other examples to make therein. The truth of the matter as a whole boils down to my lack of real control in all of it. In every aspect of being a parent I’ve moved to an advisory role. This advice, often offered, is sometimes taken. It is sometimes ignored entirely. I’m learning to be okay with this. I’m learning to accept how to factor this into how I live and think about my own life moving forward.

Having grown up relationships with your kids is a tough one for me. As with parenting, I don’t have very good role models. Often I look to the Lady Talis and how she spends time with her father as my ‘true north’ in such things. Yet I realize their situation is built on a history I don’t have with my own parent nor my kids. So, mine isn’t going to be that. I don’t know what mine are going to be. It feels like a constant evolution. It feels like I personally need to do more work maintaining contact. However, the downside of being seen in an advisory role is that it is a position or a function and not a reflection of a fully formed human being. It is increasingly clear that the majority of my kids don’t see me as a person. Heck, they definitely don’t know me as a person or try to. I cannot remember the last time one of ‘dem franchise boys’ the original three asked me how I was doing? Definitely not what I was doing or up to. Previously those were questions that prefaced them needing money. Gotta grease the wheels, right? The step-kids had a life before me and in that life they learned to give a damn about people who weren’t them, so at least one asks me how I’m doing.

It’s progress. It’s moving forward. Gotta get the rest there for their own good.

Some Thoughts:

1. Looking forward to the weekend. Glad the work part of the week is wrapping up.

I’m really fond of the adage, ‘you gotta read good stuff to write good stuff.’ I don’t always read good stuff. I watch very bad stuff for the most part. These could be the problems assisting in the writing of mostly mid stuff. I’m in a mindset of wanting to be better. That is a small part of what led me back to a grad program. Now I’m reading good stuff. I’m also realizing that the good stuff is already being taught by the Lady Talis, which means I could’ve skipped the entire protocol and straight up had her tell me what to read.

Takes a while to realize how much of a real one your partner is, doesn’t it?

I’m still trying to be a real one. Trying to really hold on to this lead I have on the semester as well. So far so meh. If I can knock down a ton of grading in the morning I will still be on track. It gets harder and harder with all of these other things I need to do. The class is tough. The readings, though wonderful, are demanding. Meanwhile I am working on the world map and world history for my fantasy epic. I haven’t even picked up the novel outline for the thesis I’m looking to create over the next several months.

Holding on to the lead… or just holding on? The latter feels more real to me day by day. I plan to take the weekend to gather some brief respite–some gentle time for myself to be cut out from these long days. I think that is part of why I wanted to take some personal space to have an office in our garage that is separate from the space the Lady Talis and I share. A little time for myself away from everyone else. I need it. I’m in the office alone now, as I am on Mondays. In the distance kids are watching nonsensical youtube videos and shattering the belief of aloneness. I have my headphones on with zenfenite in the background to make me feel alone. It should be working. It does sometimes. Not when the stress gets too high though.

Some Thoughts:

1. Love is still my foundation. It feels good to know that.