7.378.

There’s this theory–maybe I would even call it a method. The idea is that you write a grid with a hundred blocks on it and each of those blocks represents ten minutes of your time in a day. When I first saw this I thought, everything would be so much easier in base ten. Instead of 60 minutes an hour would represent 100. That isn’t how it is, so this method means what you’re really doing is taking two hours and allowing yourself twenty minutes to relax.

In that time you’re supposed to write down all of the things you need to do. Ten minutes to sort and start the laundry. Ten minutes to pay your bills, and so on. When tasks are longer than 10 they get a second box and so on. It is a handy method to sort out your day and ultimately your life–if you can stick to it. I’ve tried to stick to a lot of methods. Most recently I tried to assess my own times and tasks by creating a checklist of things I have to do each day and checking them off as completed. This lasted two weeks and then sporadically for another two weeks until we wound up here, with me blogging about what went wrong.

So what did go wrong? I simply did not follow through. I have a hard time with organization right up until the point that my back is against the wall. This is how I wound up needing to write as much as I have to as fast as I have to over these next two months in order to make a deadline that should never have been a problem in the first place. What’s mad is that every time I get to the point where I am working and grinding out the words at this rate, I feel amazing about it and about life in general. Then the work ends and I go back into what is effectively hibernation. I keep telling myself if the work doesn’t stop then I will keep going and keep getting better.

The truth is that I need to force myself to stay in mode and, like with that grid, only take a small portion of the time off and get right back to it. If I stop for too long it is tough to get going again. It gets tougher and takes longer each time. Maybe this is in fact what getting old looks like.

7.377. On Being Old

It is weird to get old.

I am, finally, resolved to the fact that I will one day cease to exist. What that means is truly beyond my understanding. In my mind it means that I have these moments and memories that I collect and one day I’ll complete my collection. So, for me the goal is to have as many wonderful moments as I can throughout. I don’t live for the afterlife. I live for what is in my grasp. I live for the love I feel for the people around me and the hope of what growth they can obtain. I guess that is why some of my kids so deeply frustrate me. I never expected to see them top out so early and at a level that I don’t personally approve of. However, though their lives entwine with mine deeply, theirs is not mine. Instead I am blessed with opportunity and possibility–even just shy of 50 years in.

I am happy. I am growing and trying very hard to be someone who is a creator and who is reliable and yet remains a kid at heart. I am also someone who is deciding on a place to finally nest. By nest I mean to hatch this new future of a 50+ year old. Oddly, I’ve been drawn to Texas. I think there are spaces there that exist that are inexpensive and create the opportunity to go elsewhere very cheaply. This is a reality that must be further explored.

7.376.

I just read a story about a group of women fighting off a cougar. I’ve been reading posts from a good friend fighting off Cancer. Day by day I see these incredible stories of true courage and it makes me feel like there is real fight in people when the chips are down and their backs are up against it. I also see true courage in people around the world–people who are going through real shit. People in Palestine, people in Israel, people in the toughest parts and economic conditions in America, people on the border, people everywhere I look. Yet I also see politics diminishing the truth of so many of these struggles and I see people who should be seen but really are not seen for the hate and vitriol from which so many draw power and influence.

I keep thinking about Monsters INC and the deeper message that the power that fear can generate is so much less than what love creates. I don’t know that we as a people really get to see the truth of that. SO much of our media focuses on the strength of fear–be it the films we watch or the news they create to keep us enthralled. It is easier to reach for fear than love, that much is certain. Easy seems to be the key in this modern world. Easy and maximum profit.

I am terrified that Trump will win. I am terrified that he wont. Already too many have forgotten how bad it was over his reign. Here is a video reminder of how badly he screwed up the Covid response. Or this Atlantic article on the subject of his failures. Trump actively pooped the bed as a President. He set us back decades on the world stage. He forfeited trust in our country as a global power in exchange for the fear that we would be crazy enough to do something stupid and arrogant. That makes a great number of Americans very happy, but the truth is those same Americans don’t have any real sense of world politics, the balance of power, or anything beyond the states in which they live. “Truth” is spoonfed to them through apps and newsfeeds designed to tell them exactly what they want and need to hear to remain in the thrall.

If he wins, he’s pledged to be a dictator. That is bad.

If he loses he’s going to act like it was fixed and foment another attack on democracy. Just the other day he argued it would be a bloodbath if he looses, and he didn’t even attempt to clarify what that could possibly mean. The USA is walking into a lose-lose scenario. Shame on the people who got us here in the first place.

7.375. Freewrite Friday

The latest character is ready for his close up.

Gene Peterson

Yevgeny Petrov left the Ukraine under extreme duress. As outspoken as a political supporter as he was to the opposition, the real issue was that he was a desperate gambler on the side. When you have a voice–especially a popular one, people take the time and energy to support you. When you are on the wrong side of a political affair, those same people–the people who know where you are weak–seek to exploit or even ruin you. So, Yevgeny turned to the Americans and the Americans turned him into Gene Peterson, a protected asset for thirty years until his usefulness was at an end. Now in his late 60’s Gene is a man with grandkids and a pension and a life in a small town where he is respected by his neighbors as someone ‘who came from Russia because America was better’

He is a staunch Republican, but not one for towing the party line. There’s a lot of the old Gene still in there and he sees a lot of what is wrong with the America of today and isn’t afraid to say it.

7.374.

It has not been the most productive Thursday. I wanted more out of the work than I got and to produce more words than I did, but that is why I am on a two day when it comes to chapters. Of course, that two day plan becomes infinitely more difficult once school is back in session, so I tried to put some focus on building the classes for the second half of the semester. That didn’t go terribly well either. Today has felt like a fail throughout. I don’t know what it is but I don’t feel proud of myself today. I don’t feel proud of the writing, the gaming, any of it. I don’t feel like I’ve done particularly well as a member of the human race today, and I don’t really have a useful excuse for myself.

Though momma didn’t say it to me personally, the song sharing said fact that there would be days like this is cogent.

Some Thoughts:

  1. Sometimes when I write I hear my voice in a British accent. I think it is a character thing, but who knows? I tried hearing it in a country accent just now, and that didn’t feel the least bit comfortable. Hell, I even made more mistakes putting out these words.
  2. Yeah, I see how the voice changed right there. Odd that.
  3. Who are we that we think we can tell a SuperPower it has to sell tiktok? Seriously. 752 million people in China use the app. That is more users than there are Americans. I’m not just talking USA. That’s out of pocket.

7.373. Waiver Wednesday

Let’s start with the biggest news out there (for me) Saquon Barkley is an Eagle. I hate it. I’m still not really done processing it. Yes, I will need to watch some Eagles games because I like SB that much and want to see him succeed. Meanwhile, my Giants are in a strange rebuild that starts with becoming the 2018 Bills. I don’t understand the philosophy other than to collect a bunch of former Bills players and other castoffs they are familiar with as they create a new young core of talent. This is how they ended up with Drew Lock as the new backup. This is how they ended up with Devin Singletary as the new (old) lead back. This is how Gunner O. wound up being the new (old) return man. This is how Isaiah McKenzie became the new (old) WR3. This is how Hunter Renfrow will likely end up being WR1 after being cut by the Raiders.

Not all the Giants moves were bad. The locked in a solid OG in the aging Runyan and a solid young DE in Brian Burns, though the latter costs 150 million. Still the majority of moves made in the past year involve resigning old Bills players. I am hoping this is simply stopgap and not a reflection of how this Coach/GM team sees the world. I really hope they can find a way to move out of the shadow of their own past to create a brighter future for a team I love and have next to no hope for over the next four years.

Speaking of hope over a 4-year span, my youngest who now measures in at 6’2 160, is out for the year with a tendon inflammation. He misses his first track season after competing in exactly zero matches. This happened because he was both lazy in his work habits and lured by the glitz, tik tok and instagram hype of 7on7. He didn’t allow himself to properly heal and now his real athletic opportunities are in disarray. The hope is he will make it back in time for Spring Ball, because he is in another new situation. His freshman coach is now the HC as the school turns to the 5th HC in 5 years. This is a horrible development of a 6A team in a highly competitive division. Suddenly we are the guys everyone expects to whip. Hopefully the kid gets right and gets a chance to contribute. I’m sure a lot of players will be leaving. He was already a varsity player and now he may get a chance to compete for a starting spot. That’s the one upside in all of this. You get better in practice, but you get noticed by college scouts on the field.

Some Thoughts:

  1. On a sad note, spring break is half over. I’m not quite ready to return to the trenches…

7.372. Turnback Tuesday

I’m not going back to a post today. I’m going back to a feeling.

I remember last time I was full swing into a novel. It was 2020 at the height of the Covid drama. I was experiencing a world unlike I’ve ever seen before and all of my activities were focused on work from home. I had to schedule appropriately in order to get anything done. I managed to get on top of it by listening to the Lady Talis and putting my butt in this very chair for hours on end. I love that she got me moving and that with that push I was able to stay solid throughout the process. I am in danger of falling behind tomorrow. I need to figure out a way for that not to happen. In other words, I need to finely craft a 2000 word chapter tomorrow. Usually I have more time, but I was lax on the last one, which put me in this terrible spot.

Ideally, a writer should have 6 months for a novel. The first month is thinking, planning, outlining, and research. Once those 30 days are over you’re left with 150, but that doesn’t include the process of revision. If I don’t include that in the scheme then you’re looking at 670 or so words a day for a 100K novel. That means I am doing three days work tomorrow. This doesn’t include the other 10K words I need to hammer out for the other thing by Friday. So tomorrow is a big day. Luckily, I like the pressure. I like the way I’ve been writing lately, and it feels like something that could turn into a way of life moving forward. The issue is finding a way to make as much money from the keyboard as I do from the classroom, so that I can live the desired lifestyle.

Some Thoughts:

  1. Sports talk tomorrow. Things to be said…

7.371.

Heh.

I sat down at my desk, mind considering the upcoming possibility of using a metaquest headset in passthrough mode to extend my digital desktop in unfortold new ways. When I woke up the laptop the first thing I saw was the unpublished blog. Cheat day indeed. So, I published and now I write anew. It surprises me how often this madness happens. It has happened more since wordpress implemented the double click to publish. I realize the point was to make sure unfinished work did not accidentally go out, but for me finished work occasionally doesn’t hit the web. I guess it is about keeping focus on a project through the end. Actually it is more about recognizing what the end is. The end isn’t the finish of writing but the publication and the check of the published work.

Something to consider on this Monday Morning… also…

Some Thoughts:

  1. The ‘trix, the internet, the net, the matrix, the web, the world wide web… the list of names for the digital landscape go on and on. I feel like people exist more in this thinly bordered land than they do in the physical realm. Yet we cannot agree on what to call it?
  2. This is vacation week, which is to say this is write my ass off week.

7.370. Cheat Day/Rest Day

I did not finish a chapter today, which should be the bad news but it is actually good. I am learning that in every work cycle there needs to be a day that is not totally devoted to the work. For me that was today. Instead I devoted myself to the Oscars. I don’t want to put my opinion too deeply into this in regards to who I think should’ve won particular awards. I will say this: I’m Just Ken was a great performance, and Billie Eilish (sp?) might be the most genuine person I’ve ever seen at this level of fame. This is all.

So, back to the writing.

Seriously, I am learning that there needs to be a break in the flow. The 21/90 rule argues you don’t take breaks. However, this and other rules on habit formation do not take into account making that break day/cheat day a part of the habit you are forming. In other words, all of these strategies are suborning burnout. Even this blog (especially this blog?) which is an every day affair that started as a 10 minute habit many years ago has days that are straight up trash because I am burnt out on writing and need an absolute break. This is what leads to rants (yeah, you know I do those) and scheduled blogs about sports and other subject headings that allow me to mentally woolgather so I don’t have to be ‘on’ for that ten minute stretch that day when I know I do not have it in me.

Writing is a tide. It moves with the force of the gravity of your life. You need to be prepared for when that tide comes in and when it goes out. You need to build it into your schedule to be ready for high tide and you need to give yourself the space to accept low.

7.369. Reflections on a Saturday

Ticking off the marks on my to-do list I find myself at the ten minute rule. I am hesitant to write this one today, because it is going to be “political” and by that I mean it is going to strike at people’s beliefs in right, wrong, and ultimately Justice. I am talking about Gaza. Now if you’re someone who is an outsider to the affair as I am, you might see the story as: Hamas military (now further classified as terrorists) brutally attack a music festival in Israel near disputed territory, murdering 1200+ and capturing over 200 as hostages. Why? One article suggests, ” Perhaps Hamas thought a surprise attack would widen political divisions in Israel, upend the Israeli government, and sap the resilience and determination of the Israeli people to prevail, rather than produce the unity and resolve the world is currently seeing.” Well, that was a bad idea.

I am not downplaying the attack in any way. I am also not focused on the sexual and other brutalities that are being claimed as part of the attack. To be honest, the only reason anyone would need to hear more than “1200 dead” would be to justify any response. It turns out the only response we’ve seen is an open assault on anyone left in the region. This includes children. Sure, you can make excuses for why children have died in the war, but that is a near inescapable aspect of war. You cannot just target military combatants in an invasion. That requires a level of precision, certainty, and awareness no earthly army has.

Yet, I am not excusing the 30,000+ deaths on the Gaza side, less than a 3rd of which were actual soldiers. In fact, despite multiple attempts to bury the story, Israel’s tactics have already led to the murder of unarmed Israeli hostages who were waving flags of surrender. Hamas is wrong for the attack. That this was authorized . We know this because Israel knew about the attack a year in advance but their leadership failed to take the plan seriously. This is the same leadership that is now using that attack as an excuse to eradicate “hamas” and seize control of the strip.

Look, nobody is right here. Also nobody appears to have the leadership to fix the problem as a 3rd party. This isn’t going to go away, but it is going to pave the way for darker feelings about Palestinians who are unfortunately being used as a proxy for other forces. We may be on the verge of seeing one of the only sanctioned and accepted cultural exterminations in my lifetime… And nobody cares.