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It is only 5, so calling it night is a bit much and part of the problem really. I was ready to tuck in for the day an hour ago at least. I found the idea of being locked away in the peace of my room and languishing with my lover far more appealing than anything else I could think of. The rest just felt like biding time. Indeed it usually is, unless I have things I really want to be doing. I suppose having the house to ourselves has left me feeling like I am far more relaxed and have more relaxing time and moments than I otherwise would, so that trigger of feeling like I ought to be curled up is only a natural response to the life change of having ourselves a childless home.

That is a temporary situation. Still, I intend to take advantage of it as long and as much as possible. In order to do so I need to figure out how and when to work on the things I need to work on. I have things to get fixed and writing that needs to get handled. I tend to shut the productivity down more than I should. I need to work on that.

Some Thoughts:

1. A productive conversation with the Lady Talis had me realizing today that football, at this point in the year, is a 5 night a week-a-thon. Most of those nights are NFL. She noted how they ought to stop pretending that Sunday is the ‘day of football’ when it goes from Thursday till Monday Night. I will be watching Monday Night. Saquon is Must See TV.
2. Speaking of the beautiful game (yes, I know), finding good film on Hamilton is hard. The game is going to be tough. Winnable? Not sure. There is a talent gap that is not in our favor. We just need to come to play and those kids need to support each other and not make mistakes on the back end. Not to be afforded this week…
3. There are winnable games on the schedule beyond this one. Probably three others at a glance. That may be enough for a playoff bid.

This is a bit of a sports blog. I know I do it more and more in the fall, and that is because of what the kids do and how what the kids are doing impacts my mind and habits. Just before I started this I found myself scrounging for film on Hamilton High. I’m not finding anything, but I will get back to looking later today or tomorrow at the latest. The goal is to have a deepr understanding of everything taking place on the field so that I can be helpful to my son and get him to the next level. This is fun for me. This is probably a style of living vicariously in terms of failing at the goal myself. Having one kid already playing D1 only makes me think I can get two in the game and get at least one beyond Saturdays…

In the meanwhile, I’m just here watching football, and enjoying a weekend of chill.

I decided to consult Chatgpt for workout advice. The results are not wonderful. It hasn’t reached the level of personal assistant that everyone expects from the device. I am considering an AI deep dive in order to see where it is at vs where we want it to be (based on our fiction) and how the two could or should ever meet. I’ll be having it design a suitable work schedule and workout routines and more. I hope to use the device to fully dive into the possibilities of what AI can do to improve lives without replacing actual intelligence and learning. That is a tough boat to row, so to speak. Presently the fears surrounding AI (which were created by stories) are hampering the use of the tool. However, laziness is more of a hinderance, because the masses don’t want to put effort into what they don’t want to put effort into and things such as AI make it much easier to overlook the fundamentals. This leads to generations of nonsense. The future is not, however, set.

I think a lot about the future in the turn to midlife (and the existential crisis therein). By some accounts I am deep into my middle years and I tend to act like it all too often. I’m hoping AI can jar me out of some of that. I think the trick here is really working with the AI and not just asking a simple question. One of my kids taught me about programming your AI, and I have since observed how and when it updates its own memory to my presumed preferences and information. This is more frightening to me as an older man than it is to the young people who are used to being tracked and have developed a comfort level with the practice I refuse to match.

All of this is to say that AI may be useful as a tool if it is used as a tool and not a crutch. AI can be an extension of the way google search tools may be properly used if we allow ourselves to treat it as such. However, how we DO treat AI is quite a large spectrum, and as the intricacies of the medium (for there are so many large language models and other types now) increase we find ourselves pushed away from the center in a near-political manner.

There is good and bad to be had from any new tool. We’ve known this since sharpened sticks; since fire. We have our new tool and as we continue to grow and master it, we must understand that like fire, it may spread out of our control… should we mistakenly or even purposely let it.

My youngest is asking me to give him a pep talk before each home game. Honestly, the idea of it is wonderful, but the execution has me stressed. I am not very good at pep talks. I was never that kind of hype coach. I had the chant–I can lock in on a script–but to freestyle and really say something inspiring may be beyond my can. Still, I will go out there tomorrow and attempt to do my part to help him lock in and be successful as his 15 yr old confidence starts to take form. He needs the help. He isn’t him yet. He needs to believe in the ability he has in order to be successful, and he hasn’t quite gotten to that point. Partially that is my fault. He’s often the best player on a good team. He and his brother played with kids who are being featured on Saturdays now, and he feels like those kids all surpassed him. The ones from his grade/team already all have multiple collegiate offers and trips, etc. Heck, one just was named high school player of the week… for the nation. I would argue that starting alongside these giants would show him that he is that guy too, but he feels more like an imposter.

I’ve experienced imposter syndrome my entire life, and I was never as good as these boys are. Yet I don’t know how to shake that feeling or shake him feeling like he isn’t ‘that guy’. He feeds on success, so once he gets going it is going to be fine. He just needs to get there. That is why he’s asking for that pep talk. That is why I need to figure out how to deliver.

You dad the way you need to dad, and for me, this is the way I need to dad right now. This is what is going to help him step forward. He needs support and encouragement, so I am going to provide exactly that.

The other day I was hyped to see my kids play and have a shot to compete. I was hyped for Deion’s team to face a kid I used to coach. I was super hyped to se Saquon go out there and prove he is one of the best in the league. I was not even a little hyped to see the Giants come out in those busted-ass throwbacks and try and pretend to be a legit NFL team. They are bad. They are so bad that when we (i’m still down, so I say we) got a pick on the 20 yd line I knew we would have to settle for a field goal. The G-Defense is going to need to do it all. They cannot though. We watched them get worn down even by the Vikings. Beyond that, the offense gave up 6. That is more than the offense scored. All Game.

This week the Giants face a terrible Washington team that has every chance of beating them. I mean, they look like my kid’s High school team out there! Speaking of whom, the DV Thunder slipped in the polling to 29… out of 31 Division 6A teams. They are right behind Friday’s opponent Valley Vista who isn’t very good but looks remarkably better than DV. This is still an opportunity to turn up and make some things happen. The offense was productive in spots against backups in the second half last week and the team they will be facing has the skill level of those backups. Offense? They have some skills there. Could be fun to watch him play the deep pass.

Some Thoughts:

1. I’m drifting into that dangerous realm of not being at all focused on anything anymore. It is a bad look for me and argues that I will end up paying for it one way or another. I already am forgetting to click that second publish and the sadness associated therein. How long before I forget to blog at all?
2. Yes, I want to talk about the debate… tomorrow.

Debate night in America.

One thing I know is that this isn’t going to move the needle for the people who’ve dug in on either side. Those who roll with Trump believe what they believe and that is all it will ever be. Those who don’t have their own set of beliefs. Each have media to support this world view. Who will be impacted are those in the middle who have yet to decide what if anything to do. That number is getting smaller and smaller. We are living in an America that looks more and more like it did before I was born. The rampant polarization is not only detrimental to us as a culture but to the security of the nation itself. We aren’t united on anything anymore. That feels less like hyperbole than it does truth.

I’m worried about the future I am leaving my own children. I cannot even begin to consider what they might one day be leaving their own.

I am angry. I am angry most of the time anymore. Some of it has to do with kids at home, some of it has to do with the rampant use of chatgpt as work that students are turning in for credit, some of it has to do with the state of the world, some of is is about getting old and being old in a world where everything I interact with trends younger. There is probably more–discontent with my levels of success and debt to name a few–but the ones I mention live at the forefront of my imagination because they are problems that I have to find peace with not being able to change. Just before I started the blog for the day I was grading thesis statements which were ostensibly about personal matters in students lives. Many of the thesis statements, however, were pure AI. It was in the construction of the work. It was in how they blended out the personal. I cannot change these things. I can deal with them or not deal with them–though both cause varying degrees of stress. It feels like most of what surrounds me brings me stress as opposed to joy and that is just not a healthy way to live.

Balance. That is a healthy way to live.

I plan to spend the next 30 days discovering (or rediscovering) a sense of balance and learning how to maintain that in the face of the many many things that disrupt me in this world and in this life. As I said, I cannot change the things I cannot change. I find it very hard to accept them, but I must find a way to live alongside them; to exist in harmony with what I find unharmonious.

It may be time to bring back the singing bowls. Sound, always a powerful force in my life, is a source of harmony. Perhaps through that I will learn ways to exist in this space.

It is going to be another long football season. I have a bright spot in watching Drake win games and my son compete for his opportunity to play. They won their first non-conference game in a long long time last night, defeating a solid Eastern Washington Team on the red Roos Field. The win is a huge step forward for a team that was (and in some cases still is) seen as a lucky shoe-in for the fcs tourney by being the best of a league of bad teams. However, this year only Marist, St. Thomas, and Valparaiso have taken losses through this two week old season. The other 8 teams are undefeated. St. Thomas was the school who was supposed to challenge and still could. The Tommies took losses to Sioux Falls and Northern Iowa thus far this season.

Desert Vista losing has become an expectation, but I expect a win this week–one of 4 expected wins for the season. I think the boy will look good after being knocked out of the game this past week with an elbow injury. He recovered quickly, and probably could have finished the game had it ever been in contention. It wasn’t but it will be this week against an 0-2 Valley Vista that has given up 98 points while scoring 12. We’ve surrendered 97 but scored 57, keeping it close against the backups. The key will be blocking Bentler and Villa, who have racked up the most tackles consistently over the two losses.

That’s ten. More to say but tommorrow.

Or flailing at least. I am in that space between being productive and allowing myself to drown in a sea of leisure. As previously described, I live in a house of leisure. The Lady Talis is the sole light of effort around me, but her light points to the physical. She doesn’t want to sit behind a desk for hours and grind. Neither do I, whereas I used to. I don’t think that love is gone but the desire has faded quite a bit in light of all the leisure, distractions, and ultimately the lack of willpower to resist the people I’ve surrounded myself with who have no clear desire to do more than exactly what they are doing right now and often cannot fathom why one would want to do more or put in more effort for more than the bare minimum–especially in regards to what is outside of their own desire or comfort zone.

Yes, in some ways I’m talking about being a father to growing boys. But I am also talking about being a professor both student facing and faculty facing. People get comfortable. People decide they don’t want to do more than what they want to do. Growth mindset curls and dies. I’ve been fighting this uphill battle for years and I am losing badly at this point. I’m losing on multiple fronts, I think. It isn’t clear what it will take to get right.

Some Thoughts:

1. Found a baby turtle on the side of our house. I suspect it belongs to the turtles the neighbors across the street own. Shocked it made it all the way across the road.

The morning bus comes around 6 am. The sign posted near the stop says 5:50, but it is always late. So, a dozen people stand under the growing heat of a weekday morning waiting impatiently for the opportunity to load up and be taken to jobs that they’d rather not be working. Some of them realize that the jobs they have are an opportunity to live and afford some of the things they want, even if they cannot afford most of the things they want. Others, like Jazzie would rather not work. Samuel considered that as he walked towards the bus stop watching a sea of familiar faces hanging low, distracted by their phones or watching the traffic zip by. Jazzie was not there again. He hadn’t seen her in three days.

It used to be that they’d walk out of the apartment complex together, or at least nearabouts. The truth was Jazzie barely seemed to realize he was walking behind her as they stepped past the gates, either racing across the street under the warning of a crossing light counting down to zero, or waiting because they’d both timed it wrong and knew it would be another 5 minutes at least before the walk sign clicked white again.

He’d never spoken to Jazzie. Once he tried, mangling a muttered combination of “hey” “whats up” and “How are you” into something that sounded closer to a dogs growl. She turned briefly, her dark hair spilling across her eyes before she raked it back cooly with one hand. She regarded him with a look of curiosity that evaporated instantly as the light shifted to green and the walk sign blared out it’s short cadence. He never tried speaking to her after that.