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I had a very strange video game experience the other day. I was playing The Division and I walked into a mission with a ton of confidence, mowed down almost all the baddies in a cavalcade of skill and patience. So, I was almost done with the entire experience when a guy I thought I shot got up and took me out. Now this isn’t really important or the point at all. The point is that I tried to go back and do the mission again and I tried and tried and six or maybe seven times later I recognized that it wasn’t working. I was missing something. Maybe it was the whirlwind of energy and confidence I started with and maybe that itself is the point.

I think it all comes down to state of mind. People often say mind over matter and willpower rules the day and all that jazz, but they often don’t believe it. The fact is there is truth to the matter. I lost confidence and lost the ability to succeed—and I’m not just talking about video games here. When I started getting my head right, I started having more success.

I needed this.

No, really. I’ve been in this grinder of activity that left me almost entirely unwilling or able to function. My creativity woes are well documented, and a good amount of that has to do with being behind on, well, everything. What hurts the most is the slow going of my writing. How long can I continue to say I’m better than this until ‘better than’ becomes yesterday’s memory?

The break is a wonderful opportunity to catch my breath and plot a way forward not only through the end of the semester but through the summer and all of its hurdles and well into a serious writing uptick. See, I figured out a while ago that I’m not going to be able to get back to the type of production that made me love the words without developing a plan and having time to execute. So, game on.

 

Some Thoughts:

1. Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx? I’m curious about her. She has to be more interesting than she comes off in roles. I feel like her roles have evolved and her personality might be shining through in her later work.
2. Was gonna write about Trump, but the entire thing disgusts me. The hypocrisy involved is so deep that I can watch one group do something and then turn to an opponent doing the same thing and complain that they shouldn’t be allowed to do it. That’s some nonsense right there.

I’ve been thinking about science fiction again. Namely I’m considering the role of sci fi in driving the scientific frontier. This popped up again recently when I recognized that the new Pizza car is straight out of a Neal Stephenson novel. Stephenson wrote in 1992, “As he scrunches to a stop, the electromechanical hatch on the flank of his car is already opening to reveal his empty pizza slots, the door clicking and folding back in on itself like the wing of a beetle. The slots are waiting. Waiting for hot pizza.” So, that happened. Finally.

The space between what writers dream and scientists create is collapsing in on itself, as if the two sides of an already thin line are bantering back and forth, one playing against the other for ideas and vie versa. Yesterday’s post was as much about no longer being part of that conversation as it was about anything else.

I don’t feel a part of the conversation because of the very specific niche of science fiction I am writing in as of late. My 2070 is spun out from 90’s tech that evolved quite a bit slower than how things turned out in real life. Likewise, outside of my tiny corder of sci fi, there are a lot of speculative writers–especially in the deep space genre, are being thwarted by the lack of interest and advancement in science. We are collectively more about making money these days than about making discoveries.

The point is that writers and scientists need to push each other and to do so effectively, I believe writers need to imagine what lives far beyond the tech curve to the unimaginable future of what could be. I don’t think I’ve been doing that, and I can think of few writers who are. The majority of us hit a point where we are more interested in talking about the whole thing collapsing than imagining the cool world that would follow if it doesn’t collapse.

 

Some Thoughts:

1. More boys means more noise. Seriously. The more I fill the house with l’il dudes, the more I recognize how truly boisterous and busy boys are.
2. I’m learning to take Trump seriously. He very well could be the next president of the United States. A large part of that is our own political ignorance. For one thing, we have a total inability to distinguish socialism from communism.

It is very hard to be a continually creative person. It is, in many ways, like being expected to churn out 10,000 scarves and only having enough wool for 51 and not ever even getting lunch on breaks. The longer you sit and try to make such things, the worse you and they become. I have become a drained and disappointing individual who has missed a handful of crucial deadlines and, more than that, lost the thread of creativity linking me to the creative ether.

 

I sort of think it is like the speed force. That mythical construct is built in order to give history and vulnerability to the Flash superhero character. His power comes from the speed force like my powers come from the creative force. Losing access to that source of power prevents me from doing anything even remotely interesting. Now the Flash can get his mojo back through some crazy superhero quest or whatever. I gotta just stick my head in 17 books and try to remember what it feels like to wonder and to create.

 

I think the Flash has it easy.

I’m going to get to football in a minute but I want to address the fact that our internal systems are falling apart. I can throw a dart at a US map and hit a city that is dealing with lead in the water system. We have so many structural problems from pipes to roads to outdated power grids and nobody is even a little interested in fixing that. Instead we dump millions into building new stadiums to attract football teams to our cities in hopes of increasing statewide revenue and making us seem that much cooler of a city. That being said, I love football and love the fact that the Giants are dumping money into their defense to get things going.

Olivier Vernon, ‘Snacks’ Harrison, and Janoris Jenkins are off the board. All of these moves as well as the resigning of JPP represent a significant increase in the ability of the Giants to make plays on defense. In so far as offense goes, we haven’t seen much yet. There are a handful of really valuable free agents available–especially at receiver, but I get the feeling the Giants are looking to the draft to fill gaps there and along the offensive line. Still, money is being spent early in free agency and this is a sign that the team is looking to win right now and willing to spend the cash to do so.

Some Thoughts:

1. Politics are very stupid. The media takes something you did 20 years ago and uses it as evidence of how you think and feel today. None of us are who we were even 10 years ago.
2. Bernie Sanders has a very vocal and energized following. Hillary does not.
3. This Benghazi thing is being trotted out every day and made to mean more about what Clinton did and less (almost none) about what happened there.

Today is all about the brain being all over the place. I’m back to reading speculative/hard sci-fi and it is reminding me to think about every day things. I realize that sounds odd, but the stuff I’m reading questions the way we conceptualize every day life and has brought back the question of whether or not we are actually free-thinking beings or if everything we do is a response to a script we were socialized towards from birth. This is the question that initially tipped me towards sociology and psychology and remains that question that reminds me to give time to daily free thoughts. Like these.

Some Thoughts:

1. The WWE has never had a Heavyweight Champion they define as black. I know, the Rock is quite black, but they rather view him as Samoan and advertise him on that basis. So, since ’63 the entertainment league has avoided the black champion and, the league has been notoriously racist over that same time period. It doesn’t take long to figure out that the league is a mirror of Vince McMahon’s inner desires. Yet there are still enough bright superstars to keep most viewers interested. Less so now as he plays out some soap opera drama with his son. Even my kids are bored.
2. One of the issues I am dealing with is a completely disjointed english class. One of the students who actually is making an effort to learn something pulled me aside after class and remarked on the lack of chemistry in the class. Perhaps this impending week off reflects a good time frame to regroup–just like I’ve been trying to do with the Mythology class.
3. Wrestling is helping my kids to discern between reality and fantasy–when they want to. They accept that everything about wrestling appears to be false, but they are unwilling to accept that wrestling itself is false. Its like understanding that the ingredients of a cake can’t really exist and then happily eating a slice. You should see them around Christmas.
4. Spring break is upon us and I haven’t figured out what to do. I recently had a series of conversations that served to remind me that the majority of our lives are based around sports. I want to do something different this break that is not at all sports related–especially now when there are no practices to be held.

Einstein is quoted as saying, “It is not that I’m smart, it is that I stay with the questions much longer.” I hadn’t been able to directly apply that to my life until recently. After a long weekend and a particularly hard day in classes I realized that part of what is making me so frustrated these days is being around people who simply don’t care.

I have a history of not being around the right people. You can track my lifelong productivity by that scale. The better quality of folk I associate with, the happier and more full my life is. This is not to say I’m not around good people, but the majority of my day is spent around people who aren’t making my life better. Of course, defining better or good is a slippery slope in of itself. That is why I am falling back to the Einsteinian view on this particular philosophy. I’m not staying with the questions long enough. Moreover, I’m not staying with the people who are staying with the questions and that has become more and more apparent.

I can count the amount of time I spend with friends in seconds per week. I spend more time with students who don’t remotely care about their education than I do with friends and than I do with students who care about their education. Such a thing wears on you and leads to serious burnout. Worse, it leads to brain rot, mental drain, and an inability to be a creative force and stay fresh and innovative.

Tuesdays and Thursdays I find myself in a room full of excited writers. I love the experience and it renews me every time. Still, it is not enough. I need more of that interaction in my life and not just as a teacher. I need thinkers and doers and people who are pushing the envelope in one way or another. That is what NYC was to me and that is likely why the sleepy suburbs are making me chafe.

1. The sign on the door read ‘No Guns Allowed’ there was some legal mumbo jumbo below the bolded letters and the red circle with a line through it covering a firearm. Their choice to exclude guns was pursuant to one law or another. I thought about it, wondering if I cared very much. Turns out I don’t. I thought I would. In fact, I was certain for some time about not wanting guns in the classroom. Laws have been proposed and battled over for years in regards to guns in the classroom at all age levels. Why Kindergarten teachers would need guns is beyond me, unless you believe Sandy Hook happened (which I happen to believe and wonder why a vocal minority do not). Even then, we are talking about a relatively invisible percentage of situations in which guns would be needed in a school or a restaurant or anywhere, really. Unless you’re looking for trouble…

 

 

2. Inside people were bustling about. The workers moved speedily from table to table, trying to get their customers fed and processed out with as much haste as was allowable in a sit down establishment that didn’t have a giant gold M out front. It made me think of pace, which reminded me of the football championship I’d botched the day before. It wasn’t a thought I really wanted, so I settled down to watch everyone for a while, breathing in the atmosphere and energy of the place. The people were Sunday relaxed and I tried to imagine what their lives were like. They were couples and families, grandpas and grandchildren. They were almost all white, save for the one Asian woman with the white husband. Everyone seemed happy and, though not familiar with each other, they seemed communal.

 

3. The busboy shucking coffee was rather effeminate. I’d noticed him earlier because of his makeup and was curious, not about his orientation but the reactions towards him. The more I watched, the more I recognized that there really weren’t any reactions, as if the people eating simply didn’t care or take offense. I smiled inside.

 

4. I’m not a small town guy. I feel like the stigma of such things creates such an expectation that a small town is nothing I’d ever want to be associated with. The fact is, however, I live in a small town and I do small town things. I’m a local coach. I spend Sunday morning in the café with all the other locals. I talk to my neighbors. The more time I spend here the more I wonder if this is the existence I am meant for or if it is simply a rest stop along the way of my journey towards… whatever. I don’t have any answers but I do recognize that the white picket fence is starting to chafe and I haven’t a clue what to do about it.

Some Thoughts:

1. I find the title funny. Just me. Get with it.

 

I’m writing this after my town’s first ever flag football tourney. We lost. Both teams. Our older kids suffered from a coach (me) who wasn’t there the whole time because he had another squad. More importantly, they weren’t really that old and in the 10-12 division, the older stronger teams won the day. Our younger kids fell victim to, well, themselves. We played in the finals against an out of town team we’d beaten earlier in the day and were far too tired to really give it our all. Somehow those kids seemed fresh. Furthermore, we did not play well and that led to a loss.

Which led to the end of a very fun season. I’m worn out and grateful that it is over. I know soccer is right around the corner, but my role in that is merely as spectator. The other coaches in town can deal with that stuff. All I want to do is nap for an entire summer.

Sports takes up such a predominant part of our lives here that it is hard to know what to do when you aren’t worrying about it. While I am still helping to coach one tackle team, that work is limited and I can honestly say I have time to do things with my kids.

The problem is, I am not sure what to do with em.

Struggling for a topic tonight. Considered writing about prayer, but there is nothing I have to say that isn’t going to come off as awkwardly as the Trump post a few days back. Apparently I don’t do satire well. I also don’t do so well with TV drama, despite the hours I spend watching them. I’m not sure what I am trying to gain from so much bad tv. A distraction, yes, but I feel like I have the deeper goal of uncovering what works in episodic film, a nobel gesture, but one that didn’t –hasn’t–worked.

Sleep works. I’m exhausted to the point of falling down on the blog again.

 

Some Thoughts:

1. I remain surprised by how much sports consumes my life. If I could just shut it out I’d have entire days of the week available to me.