Lately I find myself channeling young me—the carefree and fearless writer who assumed he could write anything and anyone. He felt that Stephen King was a goal to be achieved; a level in a video game in which he was Player 1. I miss him and need him dearly. Writing is best when it is a challenge set forth against oneself and the reward is not wealth, but a sense of personal satisfaction at having achieved what you set out to do. When I coached track I coach my runners based around a singular philosophy: Your one goal is to do better than you did last time. The only person you need worry about beating is yourself. I believe in that sensibility. If I shift the wording ever so slightly it should apply to writing like so: Your one goal is to write a more complete story than you did last time. The only writer you need to be superior to is yourself. I believe that superiority complex is a flaw of mine and perhaps a fatal one. It has hamstrung me for many long years and left me feeling like I am not (and cannot become) the kind of writer I want to be.
I despise feeling trapped like that. I don’t want to feel stuck and topped out as a writer. Last night the Lady Talis and I watched The Invite and the line that stuck with me the most belonged to Seth Rogan who (without giving anything away) described himself as a failure. It struck home with violent force. I’m a failure as well. Two novels, neither of which cracked the top 100 in my genre. Close to 80 other publications across three role playing games (with a 4th on the way). This is success in the eyes of some, but I still feel like an imposter—a failure. I have not done a single thing that will last on in my mind.
The little kid I was never felt like that. He was a damn giant and a hero if only to himself. I need to find him within me again.
Some Thoughts:
- Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “A professional cornhole player and quadruple amputee is arrested for murder” No idea where to begin here…
- Did not hit publish yesterday. Slippin.