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The smoke hasn’t cleared yet. In fact I am still grading work, but primary teaching is over. We are at the point where the year has descended into reflection and planning for the next semester. There are some bright spots from this semester, like the poster projects, that also provide an opportunity to grow. I feel like I am going to make some strides next semester and perhaps find a project and a vision for my role at this college.

My writing role is pretty much where it has been. The only issue now is execution. I hail the end of semesters, because it marks the beginning of serious writing. I know there is a span of time between when the kids get out of school and when I do, so that gives me room to write. This is important, because I didn’t knock out a novel this nanowrimo, but there is a novel idea floating around in my mind that desperately wants to be set free.

Semesters are about the end, but they also represent new beginnings. All grades are forgiven and bad balances are reset. You get another chance to make an impression with a new group of teachers and students. Writing is the same in many ways. Often your last work is the one you are known for, so make every work crucial and priceless. I think it is time to stop writing here and do just what I said to do: Make something crucial.

Talis Out.

Deep down inside everyone knows that sports are a distraction. They are a way for us to step outside of our lives and and real-world allegiances and to dive into something that is a ‘safe’ gamble. We put a whole lot into these seemingly meaningless matches. In truth we give them meaning. We invest our love and attention in whether or not one team moves the ball across a line more than the other team and in that way our ‘side’ wins. But why? I think we do it because humans are competitive by nature. We, men especially, have little patience for non-zero sum competition.  Someone must lose in order for us to feel superior, and in order to feel superior we must feel smart or privileged enough to align ourselves with the winning side. That is why sports are important and it is important that we continue to watch them.

Here is why they are not. We have equated hero status to athletes, pushing aside the scientists, businessmen, and professors that actually advance our species towards expansion or actualization. Maybe it is a function of a species that doesn’t have a future plan past, perhaps, 100 years.

Some Thoughts:

1. I am still debating moving the talislegger site whole hog over to wordpress. The problem is, I don’t do anything with the site itself. Ostensibly, Talislegger is supposed to be my website for writing and promoting a certain me-ness. Still, I don’t know what or how I want to do with the website behind 10 minute gasps of coherence.
2. I need to improve the attitude I bring to the table when helping the kids with homework. It isn’t fun for them or me, but I cannot show that. If I show my displeasure I will turn them off.
3. Still wandering through the darkness trying to find my way back to that place of zen. Once upon a time there was a place in my mind where ideas and actions flowed freely. That is more of a memory than anything else now. It happens to the best of us from time to time. It is a form of writer’s block. I think the proper term is ‘overthinking’.
4. Watching the Jets I wonder if they even practice. Seriously, the offensive blackout they are currently under is shocking. I blame Sanchez, but it isn’t all on him. A lot is.

Lets go ahead and call yesterday an aberration. It had everything to do with the cat lounging behind me and licking my hair. Something about being groomed puts me immediately to sleep. I may require therapy in the future. In the present I find myself muddling through weekends alone. My wifey is doing night shifts to finish up her nursing practicum, leaving me with three little boys who absolutely think that sleep is some form of evil.

By the time they’ve been put down I am too exhausted to really focus on anything of worth. This is problematic, because I am hip deep in work and needing to get all that done in a matter of days. Can I do it? Of course, but there will be a price. Sleep mostly. I was talking with a professor friend of mine and in a truly honest moment about writing he said, “We make myths of ourselves.” He was talking about how writers and writing teachers say you need to work for hours at the craft each day, creeping towards Malcolm Gladwell’s idea of mastery. In fact we writers tend to lounge around a lot, and on the eve of a deadline we right like possessed things until finally a draft arrives, still hot from the printer.

My life is like that. My drafts are like that, and though I would love to see them be the other way–the fantasy world writer’s way–I doubt that is forthcoming. The key to that life tends to be writing as a full time professional. I mean, I can only play so much Mass Effect 3 before gaming itself gets to be a bore. That is when I grab hold of the keyboard to unfurl my creativity.

No, I’m not going to do that right now. I’m going to check on the kids and then play Mass Effect 3.

Another post where the majority of my time is spent wandering in and out of consciousness… I think these few words are a record.

So I had some things to get off my chest yesterday. That is all said and done, so back to football. 10 – 5 leaves me at 112 – 63. Not top spot and slipping slowly. I hope to make a push of it over the next few weeks.

Here come the picks:

NO over ATL
Yeah, they might be down by 7 now, but THIS IS SPARTA!!! or just Brees. This is just Drew Brees.

JAC over BUF
I think we are reaching a level of parity in the lower ranks of the NFL. These teams are even in some ways, but BUF is vulnerable to the passing attack and Henne is trying to earn a job.

CHI over  SEA
This is NOT a Seattle home game. Therefore they will not win.

IND over DET
That parity thing applies to the midlevel teams as well. These two mids are on par with each other, but IND is hot right now and I am willing to trust in that.

GB over MIN
That beating they took from the G-men must be avenged if the Pack are to make the playoffs. I think they will make the playoffs, but that really needs to start with a win against the Vikes.

HOU over TEN
Unless JJ Watt lives on the bench, this game is a lock. HOU is a top tier ball club and playing against a bottom feeder who is struggling for relevance. They won’t find it here.

CAR over KC

SF over STL

NE over MIA

NYJ over AZ
This is a defensive game in the making. I think the Jets win, but I think they do it in spite of Sanchize and a fractured running game. Maybe Powell emerges this week, but I doubt it. Just no more butt fumbles, please?

DEN over TB

CLE over OAK

CIN over SD

BAL over PIT

PHI over DAL

Giants over WSH

I am postponing the waiver wire till thursday this week, because my head is swirling with all sorts of stuff. See, the moment you start to understand human behaviors you have to accept that you are going to see things that are not necessarily positive for you. Over the last two years I have notice a gradual easing of my responsibilities and importance in my job role. I am in no way being pushed out, but I am being minimized.

It is my fault, of course. In the first two years I worked at the job I served in a role that I did not do very well in. I underperformed, partly because of an inability due to newness and partly because I didn’t and perhaps don’t have the skills to do the task.

I like to blame these things on getting older. 10 years ago I thought I could walk into a calc 2 class and teach it better than anyone who’d ever tried. This despite not having taken or practiced math since the early 90’s. I believed in my own superhero status and approached the work that way. Today I feel like a dying old guppy in an aquarium with slick new fish and old frogs thundering past me, leaving me in their wake. I don’t know where this feeling came from or why I feel so powerless to change the game. Some of it is social. I know I’m sensitive to the feelings of others and I do not feel like I am looked at with the same sense of welcoming that was there when I arrived. Again, I probably made that happen with the initial epic fail.

The real question is can you roll back a first impression? When I think about how I feel about others, I know that it is hard to break from what you feel about someone. It takes a lot of work on their part and a lot of forgiveness on yours. Even then, the person who made the bad impression needs to know what that other person needs them to do in order to fix it.

 

 

My three year old son is sitting in the darkness of our stairwell, his near black eyes peaking out at me with a look of expectation. He has been there for some time. I’ve shooed him more than once, the way a home owner shoos a lonely pet that keeps coming up to their door. I’ve tried other solutions: hugs, kisses, reassurances. Still, he won’t go back to his bed or any other. He just sits there in the darkness waiting for a mother that isn’t coming home.

Call me morbid, but I sometimes wonder what life would become if my wife died Not for me, mind you, but for the youngest of the flock. See, she puts him to bed every night and stays by his side until he is well asleep, often falling asleep herself in the process. Now she is doing a week of night shifts at the hospital trying to finish up her capstone and maybe build up enough street cred for a real job. I’m all for the extra income, but the extra headache is a 3 yr old who doesn’t know what to do with himself after 7:30 and doesn’t even approach understanding how to fall asleep.

Maybe I should drug him. There are natural formulas we’ve seen and occasionally used when he was sick. A few well received drops of the midnight sleep and perhaps my stalker will be less inclined to stalk. Again, I cannot blame the boy. He is a creature of habit and his 3 yr habit has bee upended. Imagine what the world would be like for him if she were gone forever. I bet it must feel like that right now anyway.

Some Thoughts:

1. A reporter uncovered a porn ring in Paradise Valley. The best part of the story was all the moms who shrugged and acted like they assumed it was there all along, and the one mom who immediately grabbed her kid and held her close, like Wicked is in the market for 2 year olds. Get a grip, folks.
2. Love vs. Lust. who wins?

Watching my last place fantasy football team cruise towards win #2 on the season. It is a Pyrrhic victory, because I lost my starting running back to the Injured Reserve. It has been that kind of season–that kind of year really. I’ve reached some conclusions about who I am and what I want. Some surprised me while others just were a long time in their arrival. I know that I want to work at being a better teacher and a better writer, the second point being what I spoke to last night. Tonight I am more interested in the idea of looking inward to breakdown the outward problems.

It is obvious that people blame each other for the problems in their own lives. I am no exception. I used to be the guy who preached, “everything wrong in your world begins with  you.” Somewhere along the way to 40 I forgot to practice what I preach and decided that most of the things screwed up in talisland were 100% not my fault and out of my control. None of that is true of course. We are each responsible for our own happiness and, to a lesser extent, responsible for the situations we are in. The way to work through any residual unhappiness is to think about what in life makes you the most happy and what in life is causing your unhappiness and try to change your situation–no matter what it takes or how hard it is.

The same friend that started me on this 10 minute rule once said to me, the one thing you need to do for your kids is to be a happy person. I think that rule is more universal. The one thing you need to do for yourself in your life is to be as happy as you possibly can. We don’t get another chance at living, so what we have now is all there will be. I for one intend for that time to be special.

I have a lot of writing and reading to do. This weekend I managed to do a horde’s worth of grading as I recovered (mentally) from the effects of nearly a week in Vegas. I think it is important now to intensify the amount of writing I do, especially now that it is hard for me to do it. The point is to stretch the limits of what you can do, so that you are constantly getting better and stronger and more a part of your craft. That is the part about being around writers that is so important.

When you are around students and practitioners of the craft, you are forced to recognize and analyze what you bring to the craft and why you continue to be a part of it. Writing is work, but it is also love.

I’ve been giving though to slowly upgrading and readying my home. I think the 1st thing I want to address is the office. I have always felt the need for a space that is reflective of my creative state and enhances it to the point where I cannot wait to work. I have never been able to create such a space, but I want to give myself one story check to do the job.

Maybe I’ll chart that journey here.

I have a family, on my mothers side, that consists of two people. There were more in the past, but the Scotts have all but died off. See, we never had many to begin with and most of them were old or affected by the many wars this country fights domestically and abroad.  From this tired mass of people I sprung whole. Now they are all but gone and I am nearly alone.

I have another family, the one I became a part of when I married my beautiful wife. They are thriving and young and energetic and welcoming and something I am proud to be a part of. Yet in me the two sides war. There is what I and and what I have and somewhere inbetween lives a 3rd family.

The third family is composed entirely of friends. I have a number of friends, but a few ring like family. They have been there for me forever in the hardest times and in turn I would gladly step in front of a bullet to make sure they had one more good day on this Earth. This is how you are supposed to feel about family, which is how I know they are family as well.

There isn’t much of a point to this other than to recognize that we all construct family based on perceptions and need. I glommed on to my wife’s family because there was nothing left of mine, which in turn made me less committed to the remnants of the Scott clan. Before that there were friends, and even now I continue to add friends to the family as though they are the ever-growing base from which my emotional support stems. Friends can be family, just as easily as those with whom you share the same blood. Sometimes friends are better than that, because at some point you chose to bring them in. It was never forced upon you.