1212. To Labor day and Beyond!

Happy Labor Day, folks. Though it is tomorrow, I recognize that I won’t make that post until you’re well on your way enjoying the day off. I shoulda had a staycation. I’ve never been much of a vacation person (more of a wanting to go vs. having the means to do so). I’m going to spend the day trying to get a grip on the ‘physical me’. My body wants me to get back in gear as an athlete but my mind… yeah. It is hard to want to sweat and labor and feel pain. It is easy to want to reap the rewards of such things. Still, tomorrow is a day to get out and move and be part of the world.

Let the day be filled with fun.

Some Thoughts:

  1. It is high time for a new Facebook cover photo. I don’t even live in that house anymore, and my kids are pretty much over baseball save for the middle kid who does his own thing regardless.
  2. In an increasingly digital world I am waiting for all film advertisements that list names of people to transform those names into hyperlinks so we can see what they’ve done in the past.
  3. Afternoon Delight looks really good. It has been a long time since I’ve looked forward to a theater going experience that didn’t involve explosions and or copious amounts of bloodshed.
  4. Haven’t talked to my best male friend in a few months. I think we’re at that ‘he better call me first’ stage. I better call him first.

1045. How to Be a Disappointment to Your Kids pt. 1

You ought to start by yelling at them. That’s where I began. I noticed it from time to time, noticed the voice rising and the anger filling my lungs. It became clear when my eldest turned to his siblings and said, “Come on guys, lets play upstairs because Daddy is angry with us.” My heart broke. I was caught between feeling like crap and struggling to find the words to explain what they’d done to make me so angry. They didn’t understand, and they hardly ever do. To 3, 5, and 8 year old boys, their actions and world is about having fun. The behaviors that get them in trouble are normal things they’d do like running and fighting and kicking balls over walls. These are energetic things that could be properly directed if I was a good enough father to understand how, and more importantly when to do so. However, I don’t know these things, because I wasn’t shown them as a kid. I didn’t have a role model for positive parenting, so now I’m in yet another role that I don’t believe I have the goods to fill.

This isn’t a pity party on my birthday (though it is my birthday). I’m not crying over the key board wondering why my mother sucked so bad as a parent and why my step dad was taken from me way too early. The fact is I’ve probably romanticized my step dad way too much. I don’t remember him ever being the Justicar, but I do remember getting into a whole lot of trouble while he was alive. This post is more about recognizing the negative behaviors, so I can take the appropriate steps to change them. It is also about sharing my wrongdoings, so anyone who reads this can take a moment to think before they do the same stuff I do.

The worst thing I do is compound time.

I write a lot. I also have a terrible burden at my job and often come home so laden with the stresses of the day that all I want to do is kick my feet up and play a video game. There are days that I come home and the kids are the last thing on my mind. However, they are the first thing to greet me when I hit the doorstep. That does not jive. Even if it means finding a way to spend more hours at the office, when you are home with your kids they need to be the absolute center of your universe. If they are not, if there is something else you would rather be doing, they will know and they will challenge you to be there for them and not it. That battle is what grays the hair. You can’t win. Even if you manage to focus on the other thing you are losing, because you are fostering animosity within the household.  Kids know when you don’t want them around and it really really hurts them.

Today is my birthday. I had expectations of spending the day alone working. That is an insane plan that cannot work. I need to be here with my kids all day. I need to give them the time they need from me, and perhaps for a few hours I can get the time I need for me. This is the truth and difficulty of parenting. It is the scheduling nightmare that causes marriages to collapse. Everybody needs personal time, but both parents getting it is often impossible to do–especially if you can’t turn your working mind off and find yourself slaved to the cellphone or laptop trying to get one last moment in before the horde descends upon you.

1030. Union Square Meltdowns

Watching Union Square (Mira Sorvino) at 5 in the morning in a hotel in Denver. Its one of those movies that makes me cringe. Not because of the violence or sexual content or anything of the sort. None of that makes an appearance in this movie. No, this is about a woman who is a train wreck. She moves through each scene making a terrible and irreparable fool of herself and doesn’t even know it. As an observer it is easy to put together why she is such a mess. The more the movie goes on, the more uncomfortable it gets to watch. As she interacts with others, she manages to impede on their situations.

The film, the crisis, all of it resonate with me. There are times in my life where I feel like I’m that interrupting rhino just making a fool of myself and blissfully unaware of the long term damage I am doing. I wouldn’t call myself insecure, as the character from this film obviously is. I am more of an over thinker. I reflect on and analyze–even overanalyze–each moment of a situation and consider what I could have done differently, the repercussions of each individual action, and the lasting effects of every moment in time. I don’t do this always. Often life happens to quickly to allow for reflection, and often that is better than thinking too hard on what is, has been, and will be.
I don’t think I am a train wreck anywhere near on the level of what I’m watching. Heck, I don’t even think that is possible. Still the threads of understanding are there. I think we all have that piece of us that doubts, needs to be reassured, and needs to question the validity of their life. It might manifest as a change of career, or a mid-life crisis, or a tryst, or a holistic rebirth, even a blog. The questions are inevitable and we all handle them in our own way.

931. Why Johnny Can’t Write

Fact: The average student cannot write an essay and doesn’t really want to. On the other hand, that same student will write more words in a day than the average length of a college essay.

I know I am not citing my sources here, because they are largely anecdotal. I ran several informal polls in my classes in order to figure out how much writing was going on in the span of a day. When I told students to include their 140 character texts, the number of words skyrocketed. The fact is they didn’t see texts as writing, and neither do most professors I talk to. This is where reality and academia generally part ways. See, texting is a form of writing and argumentation. While not accepted by the academic mainstream, it is quickly becoming the primary form of communication among students 18-25. We, as educators, are not doing our part to link the new world to the old thinking of what is an acceptable form of communication. Instead we are desperately swimming against the tide by teaching them that what they spend their hours doing is not the ‘right way’ to communicate. No, it wasn’t the right way to communicate, but in a world that is being broken up into digestible sound bytes, it is likely the new way to communicate. This and other similar revelations have led me to a certain understanding of the world. I am quickly learning that the way I taught can no longer be the way I teach.

Johnny can’t write because of me and the multitude of English professors that came before me. We bored him to death by repeatedly demanding that he complete the same tired tasks over and over again. We tried to jazz it up or even break it down into components/levels, but we taught writing all the same. Take for example the developmental college sequence. 071, 081, 091, 101, 102. Five classes linked by so-called ‘graduated language’ that ensures that students enjoy a deeper understanding of the rhetoric at each level. But what do they do at each level? They write essays. They write college essays and are held to ever narrowing standards for those essays. For a while I broke away from that trend. I taught 071-081 as paragraph writing classes and 091 and 101 as college essay classes with the 102 capstone being a self-directed research seminar.

Crap.

See, I was still doing essays and I was creating artificial constructs to support my desires to  have things be different at each level. People don’t write paragraphs. They write essays. Or they tweet. Or they write to a purpose. These are the things that were being ignored, which led to a student, who went through 081 and 091, becoming bored by the time they hit 101. What if each level offered a truly different style and meaning of writing, one that if stacked atop each other presented a body of evidence of how to write and were threaded together by the spine of the writing process?

If I could teach our tweeters one thing it would be economy of words. Think about what you want to say and find the way to say it in the clearest and most direct language. This is, of course, antithetical to the idea of writing an extended research essay. Students hear 20 pages and actually wet themselves, or they simply surrender. My school found hard evidence that a large percentage of 101 completers were not prepared for and often failed 102. Why? Because 101 was never that transition course that taught them how to expand their reasoning; it didn’t offer them an avenue to take a simplified thought and blow it up into a chain of reasoning that is undeniable by anyone seeking to challenge the argument. That is my new 101.

My new 091 focuses on reflective writing. In order to be successful learners, students need to be able to reflect on what they are learning and the process of learning itself. So in the context of making them aware of grammar and rhetorical strategies, I need to help them to reflect on how they learn and how writing is used. I need to make them more aware of the fact that they are writers and then I need to make them better.

911. Reflections on a Saturday Night

Wal Mart can be easily classified as the theatre of the absurd, especially on weekends. I enjoy going there to people watch, but eventually I am going to have to face the reality that by being there, I am one of the absurd and no longer merely an observer. I’m writing a self reflection as this bit of revelation and a few others have forced me to look inward for a bit.

For a few hours each night I absolutely hate my life. The effects of this hatred are destructive and long lasting. For the next hour at least I sit in recovery, either trying to drown the memory of the last couple of hours in the bottom of a beer, or masking them with whatever escape mechanism I can find. I hate my kids for those two hours. It starts around 6 pm when they are fat with fatigue and attitude. They stop listening and start behaving like the lowest form of humanity you can imagine. Every so often one of the three is able to rise out of this torture and does something sweet. This serves as a reminder that I should not kill them outright.

It is a thin and often brief reminder as one of the remaining two will immediately fill that love bubble with the most torturous behavior imaginable. Once, the 5 yr old broke a ceiling fan. Sure, it was an ‘accident’ but it was also the result of highly irresponsible behavior brought about by hours of activity without rest or often even pause. They want to go hard from dawn till dark till dawn scrapes the sky again. By six the lids are heavy and the minds are fighting the effect of such things.

Never tell a kid they may be tired. I think there is something in the brain wired to activate the fight or flight response when a question or accusation of such merit is made. I think that same wiring is rigged to fight in my kids.

“You look sleepy.”

“No I am NOT!!!!”

As if such anger will change the fact that the kid was riding heavy eyelids and falling off the couch. Now had I just shut up, he woulda fallen completely under the spell of the Sandman and I could have avoided him suddenly sitting up and looking for stuff to break. Ten minutes later my blood is up and I want something to kill.

As it stands I have three kids. It shall never be four. If things continue along this trajectory, two or one seem more likely.

907. On Being Overwhelmed

I know that Mondays are my natural night for self-reflection, but sometimes revelations–even epiphanies–need to be addressed the moment they happen. This one is a long time coming I suppose. I also suppose those who know me best may wonder how I missed it for 37 years. Heck, I cannot even believe I am 37 years old (which is quite old to me still–nearly 40 y’know), so that explains why what is right in front of my face is so hard to see.

If all people have a fight or flight response, my response mechanism to intense work is flight. It damned me in football. It damns me as I try to get back in shape, and it damns me most of all as a writer. Presently I am working on a handful of contract assignments and a ton of grading for classes. I am, of course, behind. The issue is complicated by three kids, but as I’ve gotten older I have found my way to more excuses and fewer answers. I am struggling, not with motivation, but with understanding how to fathom the waters of work I find myself drowning in.

The web tells me it is all in my head. Jerry Oltion of the Science Fiction Writer’s Association says I should set page quotas per day. Good idea, Jerry, but I struggle to find reasonable consequence for the failure to meet quota. I don’t really have money to put aside, and if forced to do so it would only be a benefit. I hardly have time to game, so withholding that is equally useless.

What about reaching my potential?

Malcolm Gladwell says if I work 6 hrs a day at my craft, it should take me roughly four and a half years to reach my potential as a writer (this discounts experience thus far). So, maybe in that time I will have it beat. Of course, I don’t devote that time to the craft or the required responsibilities.

I guess it requires going back to the beginning and back to scheduling and sticking to the basics. I suppose I need to do what I tell everyone else to do. I need to carve out 3hrs of my day and dedicate it to the craft–be it through grading work, reading it, or writing it. Maybe an hour minimum for each.

The trick is to get started and ignore the weight of the work around me. That has, and continues, to be the hardest part. I need to look inside myself, find that block of time and use it.

906. Reflections on a Monday Night: Early to Bed

First off, my prayers go out to those dealing with unprecedented flooding in NYC and all along the eastern seaboard. We know not why the weather is as it is, but we know now the extensive damage and fear it can wreak upon us. I may have been insensitive in some facebook photo postings earlier. I did not intend to offend, but instead to try to cast a reflective light on the moment. Consider my actions further proof of why I’m not quite ready to lead.

I am still leading though. I’m the HC (or HNIC) of two flag teams for the first time, well, ever. I’ve HC’d singular teams, but never two at once. This is my wheel house and my fear house rolled into one. I have a 8-9 team where I can feature a slice of the offense I learned in college and a 4-5 team where I will attempt to herd cats. Both have me equally excited to participate in and to watch my kids strive to be successful. I think #1 will do well and #2 may finally get the chance to shine as I thought he did in soccer. The soccer thing was a dissapointment. He came in second for MVP voting to the HC’s kid, who played well (but not as well as my boy IMHO).

FB is a chance for us all to have fun together and learn a lot. I plan to structure things quite a bit differently than the original HC. I’m going to hold a football camp to launch practice and really try to build core units within the team. I think the center-QB connection is so crucial that I may even pair kids up with a set center for a quarter. The pan is to have up to 4 QB’s a game and get them so locked in with the center that they have the dump off pass play wired into their muscle memory. They’ll be able to get 5-10 yards eyes closed. That tandem will know how to run the quick screen and the center handoff/handback as well, giving me additional plays for the team. As I said before, I want two set plays: a set pass and the RB option pass. I want good decision making based on what is happening on the field. I want field general quarterbacks.

I may want far too much. Something else I want is a good night’s sleep. The wife does her nursing thing tomorrow, so I am on the way to a 5 am wake up call. better be prepared…

876. At AETA

Spending time at the AETA conference today, and thinking about teaching and how much of a role that calling plays in my life. It feels like my writing is also teaching of a sort. I introduce readers to new worlds and situations and through those scenarios teaching about the human condition. My stories may not be literature in the classic sense, but to paraphrase Mark Twain, classic literature is the books everyone wants to have read, but no one wants to read.

I prefer to be the author people read and take something away from. They may forget I wrote it (they often do), but they remember the lessons born out of the fiction. The way I do that is by creating realistic scenarios. I may tell a fantastical story about a boy growing up on a spaceship soaring to a new world, and the story is really just about a boy trying to grow up and adjust to his developing maturity.

Some Thoughts:

1. At some point in your life you go digging for your past. Not the past you knows but the past before that, the one you feel but never knew. I find myself doing that more and more, trying to capture an immortal self, one that existed before the time I am in and will continue after the time my present self has on this earth. Maybe it is just a thing people do midlife, like buying cars and getting makeovers, even pledging themselves to God. None of those options suit me, so I look beyond to the world and existence outside of time in an effort to discover what or even if that really is.

2. The return of real NFL refs on Thursday was a near perfect story. As a last minute Hail Mary on Monday night created the impetus to bring them back, a last minute Hail Mary this Thursday marked their triumphant return. Life indeed is story.

845. Late Night Posting

Been quite the day. My brain is telling me to go to bed, but at the same time it is buzzing with a thousand ideas ranging from the 12th book of a proposed series to tomorrow’s sociology lesson on Mean Girls. I have not been sleeping well (or much) and the primary cause for that is a lack of physical activity. My mind hasn’t been at it’s peak due to the same condition. However, something is clicking again and while I catch up with a wealth of work, I find that I have the drive to do it.

Call it football season returning, the passing of some cloud hanging over me, or what have you. Whatever funk I have been in is starting to clear and I think I will emerge from this a stronger and happier person. I expect this weekend to mark the end of the terrible ‘catch up’ game I’ve been playing this summer. With that I’ll be on pace to once again be a healthy and productive member of society.

There are a few things to look forward to this week as well. Waiver Wednesday is likely to bring a Madden 13 Review, barring any crazy trade stuff happening between now and tomorrow eve. I will have a post on Obama’s Race Problem as well–a look into Tea Party Politics and how his election awakened a slumbering beast. Don’t know where I am going from there, but I see some fiction in the near future. Stay tuned for that.

827. Reflections on a Friday Night

Been a little sloppy with the Talisblog. This happens every few months. I will get so tired and overwhelmed by a big shift that routine falls to ruin. In this case the culprit is the start of school coupled with the unfortunate discovery of Pokemon. Yeah, those little fracking cards have injured my wallet and turned the talishome upside down. All in all this is nothing new for the beginning of a school year. I cannot remember a year where I started out completely ahead of my responsibilities. Something about that transition always leads to catch-up.

Still, I am looking forward to the coming challenges with a deep sense of of desire. The writing opportunities ahed of me will sustain my writing desire and my professional life is falling into place quite nicely. So, as I reflect on the summer and the coming weeks I feel like storm before the calm is a most fitting description.

I am looking forward to the calm of routine.