You ought to start by yelling at them. That’s where I began. I noticed it from time to time, noticed the voice rising and the anger filling my lungs. It became clear when my eldest turned to his siblings and said, “Come on guys, lets play upstairs because Daddy is angry with us.” My heart broke. I was caught between feeling like crap and struggling to find the words to explain what they’d done to make me so angry. They didn’t understand, and they hardly ever do. To 3, 5, and 8 year old boys, their actions and world is about having fun. The behaviors that get them in trouble are normal things they’d do like running and fighting and kicking balls over walls. These are energetic things that could be properly directed if I was a good enough father to understand how, and more importantly when to do so. However, I don’t know these things, because I wasn’t shown them as a kid. I didn’t have a role model for positive parenting, so now I’m in yet another role that I don’t believe I have the goods to fill.
This isn’t a pity party on my birthday (though it is my birthday). I’m not crying over the key board wondering why my mother sucked so bad as a parent and why my step dad was taken from me way too early. The fact is I’ve probably romanticized my step dad way too much. I don’t remember him ever being the Justicar, but I do remember getting into a whole lot of trouble while he was alive. This post is more about recognizing the negative behaviors, so I can take the appropriate steps to change them. It is also about sharing my wrongdoings, so anyone who reads this can take a moment to think before they do the same stuff I do.
The worst thing I do is compound time.
I write a lot. I also have a terrible burden at my job and often come home so laden with the stresses of the day that all I want to do is kick my feet up and play a video game. There are days that I come home and the kids are the last thing on my mind. However, they are the first thing to greet me when I hit the doorstep. That does not jive. Even if it means finding a way to spend more hours at the office, when you are home with your kids they need to be the absolute center of your universe. If they are not, if there is something else you would rather be doing, they will know and they will challenge you to be there for them and not it. That battle is what grays the hair. You can’t win. Even if you manage to focus on the other thing you are losing, because you are fostering animosity within the household. Kids know when you don’t want them around and it really really hurts them.
Today is my birthday. I had expectations of spending the day alone working. That is an insane plan that cannot work. I need to be here with my kids all day. I need to give them the time they need from me, and perhaps for a few hours I can get the time I need for me. This is the truth and difficulty of parenting. It is the scheduling nightmare that causes marriages to collapse. Everybody needs personal time, but both parents getting it is often impossible to do–especially if you can’t turn your working mind off and find yourself slaved to the cellphone or laptop trying to get one last moment in before the horde descends upon you.