Month: March 2013

My brain is drained.

I’m watching the sequel to 30 Days of Night. Kiele Sanchez strikes the right tone as Stella Oleson, survivor of the Barrow, Alaska massacre. The show is not, however, creative. It served as another unpleasant reminder of the death of my own creativity. Fortunately I am a Lazarus believer. All I need to do is uncover my own literary Jesus and find a way to rise again. Yep, Easter pun.

The plot centers around Stella, wife of the original star, who has moved to LA to tell of the horrors that happened in Barrow. Nobody believes her. Nobody is willing to accept that Vampires walk the earth. Nobody except a band of Vampire hunters led by a Vamp (No homage to Blade here…). What follows is your standard vampire stuff, with a rag-tag band of humans doing what cannot be done. The black guy dies first, the sassy tough chick turns into a sniveling wretch the instant it gets tough. Like I said, Kiele makes it worthwhile with her ‘tude alone.

So, it did get me thinking about my own creativity and the sad fact that I have been lingering on a set of three short stories that i was really worked up about being successful in and now it feels like I have fallen short of what I wanted. Maybe the trick is to go into it trying to say something and trying to enjoy yourself. That’s what the 30 days folk shoulda done.

Spent the night out with friends, and thusly spent the last ten minus floating in and out of consciousneess. Better Post timorrow.

There is some method to my madness. In all the years of schooling and the handful of classes of training I came to the realization that the classroom environment is all about trust and communication. My job is as much to facilitate this environment as it is to provide meaningful and relevant content to the students who walk into the environment. There needs to be a balance between these two facets of education. WIthout content there can be no learning, but without the core human needs addressed, learning also is thwarted.

What does that space look like? Right now I’m listening to the Sublime Pandora station while my students are putting the finishing touches on a zombie survival plan project. The work is collaborative and integrates all aspects of the writing process. In fact, the posters each group are creating serve as outlines for the presentation they’ll give later today on their survival plans. The goal is to teach the process, but the goal is also to see the groups working together and to analyze how that process works for them. The first paper has similar purpose. They are studying their group members and explaining how everyone can and will work together as a group.

The situation gets more intense as we move forward into more complex group projects and  involved in course content. The balance creates an environment ripe for learning.

Tough writing night. I’ve been dealing with the spectre of deadlines and now I find myself straining to complete a story and write a blogpost. I don’t have the mental energy to do it all this evening, so I’m going to wind up letting someone down. It is a tough deal to write, work, have 3 kids, and try to maintain a relationship–all while being in a neverending struggle to make ends meet. I’m overstressed and I don’t see an end to that in sight.

It doesn’t help matters that I’ve apparently wandered into tough territory with a friend–perhaps to the point where that friendship is now merely a familiar work relationship. I cannot say exactly what I did, but I must’ve done something to break the system there. So, I need to figure out what that is and set it right. Its funny how things ultimately boil down to the confidence to make yourself vulnerable to another human being.

Our country’s obsession with illicit sex generally manifests itself through courtroom drama. From talk of sleeping with teachers (every teenage boy’s dream, btw) to murder trials fueled by sex and the supposed sexiness of the alleged perpetrators. Jodi Arias, Amanda Knox, etc. So long as she is attractive, she is a relevant national story. I cannot blame the media for the obsession. Sex sells. Sex dominates the airwaves and fills the streets. This culture of sex exists because of our inability to have sex as individuals. The way we push it into the media proves that there is a belief that people need to see it in order to be satisfied, which means they aren’t being satisfied within their own lives.

I’ve come to think of the American culture as a culture of dissatisfaction. Being unhappy is the primary fuel source for capitalism. You buy to fill that need. You watch to fill that hole in your life and the gears of the national system keep turning.

I am not much for asking for help, so when I wrote the post yesterday about Bobby I got to thinking about his method and his ability to pull together so much material in a day. It reminded me of the graduate school days when I wrote all morning, went away from it for a spell and came back to it later that night. I think that is my method. I’m doing that as we speak, writing a draft of a piece with the idea of coming back to it later when I know I don’t have the mind to create but I do have the mind to revise. It seems like those are two separate mental functions. Creation takes a lot more out of me than revision, and requires that I haven’t been sullied by the cries and demands of a quarter-dozen screaming kids. That kind of thing eats away at my patience and ability to think clearly. Still, once they’ve trickled off to sleep I can revise. I can reach inside a story and understand what I was trying to accomplish and see if it worked/how to make it work…

Self awareness is important to me. I think it is the key to any writer’s ability to access the part of themselves that is real and vulnerable and slap it on the page for the world to analyze. More writers should think about these things and plan their writing times around the way their brains work. Not everyone can sit down and write till you hit ten pages. Not everyone can write for 4 hour bursts. The key is discovering the method that accesses your abilities when they are peaking. For me that could mean splitting the daily words into stages. It also must mean committing to daily words at a very high level. The words muct come first if you intend to be a writer for very long.

I have a friend, Bobby, who is a hell of a writer and productive beyond all human reason. In addition to a post per day yearblog for a major RPG corporation, he is writing his own story blog and working on several other major projects. In other words, this man is grinding like a stripper on the pole. He is writing and building his creativity and mastering his craft and surging towards his Gladwellian 10,000 hours.

In the past, things just had a way of working out for me. The past is catching up at last. It isn’t supposed to be a function of old age that your ability to float through life diminishes is it? I have no problem with hard work. I have the stomach for it, if not the time.

I thought–maybe sometimes still think–that my creativity has left me, that I fled that one great story I am meant to write. It is hard to be yourself when you are judged all the time, even if the judging is self-directed.

 

Some Thoughts:

1. Good play can ignite the soul. I had a good game today. I made a few interceptions and swatted a few passes from the LB position. It represented a total reversal from the last game a few weeks ago and coincides with the weight reduction. I have a long way to go. I ended up around 206 today after an explosive tip off the wagon into a giant cheesecake. I figured a good game could make up for it and it did–mentally. I feel like I really have a shot at dropping the next 10-16 before May.

Clearly nobody had enough sleep. I myself rose at five in the morning, and I lasted most of the morning before succumbing to a tortured nap. The kids weren’t so fortunate. They were tired and ornery for most for most of the day, getting in trouble for all manner of nonsense ranging from screaming to fighting to not listening at all.

Wifey wasn’t too pleased either. The partying was great, but the lasting fatigue serves as a reminder of party purpose: I am getting old. So old in fact that I am learning to accept certain physical and psychological regimens and complications. I must now, for example, exercise and eat well in order to remain fit. Once upon a time I could run a sub-4 40 yd dash after consuming two cheeseburgers and a crate of fries. Mentally I’ve learned that there are times where I need to take breaks–always after a large project. It isn’t a long pause. Usually I need anywhere from 1 to 6 days to recover and an additional 3-6 to fall back into the flow of a new project. So, we’re looking at 4-12 days between projects. I’m working on a series of mental exercises to bring that time back down to 24 hrs. The key in reduction is performing creativity exercises to refresh and spark the brain, as well as some mind clearing and relaxation techniques to relieve stress.

As always, I am a work in progress.

Tonight was the 38th bday celebration. I drank a lot and had a great time with all of my new neighbor friends. The whole day was a success. Strong and productive meetings in the morning, good afternoon shopping on a new paycheck, and to close, a party that wound deep into the night.

At the close of things I pitched an idea I took from a friend–a monthly gathering of these same friends where we could all partake in party and drink and remind each other how good and adventurous life can be.

I’m in a good space. I’m on the edge of completing some major projects, I’m reading good stuff, and I have classes that are both challenging and enjoyable. Life is good and I m loving it. I think this is one of the better times I’ve had overall in years.

1. There is something fundamentally wrong with planning aspects of your own party. It is as unusual as DJ’ng your own wedding, but I’ve been in the presence of both now. Tomorrow is my bday party and I’ve gotta get my costume, the food, my cake, and the utensils, and even the drinks. I’m not angry about this. I recognize that there are things that I don’t contribute on a regular basis and this is an opportunity to contribute in a time of need. Still, it is a bit odd.
2. Tomorrow is also a chance to move forward and incorporate an inclusive plan for developmental learning the style of which I’ve tried to incorporate at the collegiate level going on six years. Most of that time the plan was nascent and not even on paper. I seeded my ideas on white papers and now I have a chance to collect those ideas and see a programatic approach unfold with the full inclusion of the members of the dev team.
3. The oddity of the elementary school olympics continues. None of the teachers I communicate with at my mid-son’s school know anything about these olympics. Yet they’re supposedly taking place in two days…