Month: October 2014

The student in the corner was decked out in orange. Dark blue flared out from beneath his armpits and his hat was black with the Broncos insignia stamped across the front. Last week he was wearing A Yankee hat and a Yankee shirt with Jeter’s number emblazoned on the back. This week’s number was 18 and this week’s name was Manning. It made me wonder about the costumes that people wear. There is no chance he will be mistaken for Peyton Manning, just as I will never be mistaken for Amani Toomer when I don the Blue. Still, we do it all the time. We put on these costumes and pretend to be our heroes, these people from what sociologists call Reference Groups that help us decide how to behave at what to be. It made more sense to do that when I was a kid, but why, as a 20-something, would you do it still?

Spoiler Alert: I don’t have a good answer. I think it makes us feel connected to these people and through that connection we identify ourselves to the public as avatars of that person or followers of that individual or what they represent.

 

My relationship with medication is… disadvantageous.

I’ve tried, on occasion, to self-medicate when sick. Nothing drastic. Just the basic herbal remedies. The problems start when I step beyond the herbal concoctions and dive into the truly wicked stuff. By wicked I mean Benadryl. One pill dropped me into a condition eerily similar to depression. I had a hard time picking myself up off the floor after I swallowed a single pill. There is no chance of me ingesting another, even if it means this temporary near-blindness must continue.

On friday my right eye began to itch. I rubbed at it and picked at it, hoping to finger whatever was in there and pluck it free. There was not a thing to be plucked. Still the eye throbbed incessantly, promising that any plans I had would forever be cancelled. This was the moment I was called, “Melodramatic.” True, but what is a person to be if not himself?

The eye worsened. Eye drops did little to ease the pain and redness, leading me to purchase an eye patch. Ladies, I am no Nick Fury. I try to be, of course, but it takes a certain amount of practice to rock the patch on any day other than 10.31. More laughter ensued, but the circle of darkness protecting my eye was very effective in, at least, giving the eye time to rest and heal.

Today the eye flared up again, and I took that pill. I should not have taken that pill. The eye does feel much better but at the cost of nearly everything the eye is attached to. Even my brain feels like it is moving in slow motion. There has to be other ways to deal with allergies. The more I experience in life, the more it turns out I am allergic to, so I would like to have a useable remedy that doesn’t leave me feeling like a guy who just lost to Mike Tyson.

Still drained and devoid of new ideas. I think this is the toughest part of the writing process. When you are devoting so much to one, two, or even three projects and proposals and the rigors of daily life and the drama that goes with that intervenes, it is hard to step away and take the day or two that you need for yourself to be the best possible version of yourself.

I’m saying that I may be making myself sick. I’m also saying this too shall pass and all the other snappy lines people come up with as a way to cope with stress. I’m coping and getting through all the things that need handling (if slowly). This too shall actually pass. November 1st is the deadline for a lot of things going on in my universe, so I suppose the blog that night will be a relief.

 

Some Thoughts:

1. My eye is still wrecked. I wore the patch for a couple of hours and even napped in the afternoon as a way to rest the eye and rest myself in general. I needed it. I need more I think.
2. Cyclones went down in a shootout. 48-45. Sure it is a loss, but the offense did a great job.

Kids say the darndest things.

They say, for example, “What’s under your shirt?”

I stared confusedly at the little girl and she looked back up at me with big eyes and determination. She asked again. This time I shrugged. The third time she asked I was curious enough to try and figure out what she was talking about. I said, there is nothing under my shirt. She was more persistent than that. She pointed and demanded her answer. I flooled the short line of her finger to my belly and then it hit me.

“That’s my belly.”

“Oh.” and then a moment later, “Why is it so big?”

There is no good way to answer that, so I did what I assumed all embarrassed people would do in that situation. I  grinned and pinched her cheeks and called her adorable. That bought me enough time and bashfulness to slip away into the gathering throng of kindergartners where I quickly collected my own and escaped what was fast becoming a socially awkward–and depressing–situation.

 

Some Thoughts:

1. This blog is shorter than most because, as I found out, I cannot write in pain. I got something in my eye tonight and it wound up shutting down the eye completely. Now I’m a good hazmat rinse away from feeling better. This too shall pass.

It is no secret to the readers here that I failed at college football. I’ve often been accused of wanting to get a ‘do over’ in football through my kids. Sure, that provides a simple path to understanding, but I’m not that shallow. My failures in football have very little to do with athleticism and everything to do with my state of mind at the time I played and the years leading up to it.

Football is about a lot more than physical skill or even what happens on the field. The sport, more than any other I’ve encountered, really allows an individual to develop ‘teamwork ethos’ that ability to perform—and enjoy performing—as part of a unit and understanding that the unit is ultimately responsible for any individual success. This is less the case in sports like Basketball (which my relatives who’ve shared with me would prefer the kids all play) where one or two good players can make a team and even in a loss can remain bright stars. Look at Kobe Bryant, one of the top 5 players in Basketball today, yet he plays for a team that has as much chance of being successful as the Knicks do.

Beyond that idea of team ethos is this psychological concept of explanatory style. This is a measure of how people reason through their successes and especially failures. I believe that football exposes ones explanatory style and creates the conditions to harden that individual by constantly being faced with challenges that stretch their ability and mental and physical fortitude. I often hear the argument that this can be gained through other sources, but few sources offer the raw spotlight that football does in our culture. Under those Friday night lights you are being watched by everyone. You fail or succeed under a microscope and thus you learn to deal with success and failure under a microscope. This has a lasting effect on people beyond merely football. There is a reason why so many corporate CEOs and political leaders were once star athletes. In the crucible of sport—especially football—you learn to become a public presence. These are the skills I never learned in the years before college and this is what contributed to my failure when I realized that epic responsibility.

My kids may never play in the NFL or even be good enough to make it on a college club, but they have the fortitude to play now and that will give them life skills they can build upon throughout their lives.

Late at night and I’m largely burnt out this week. Here are some picks:

 

NYJ over NE
The Jets are reeling and need a win. The worst problem is that the team defense is predicated on a strong secondary–especially at the corners, and they do not have that.  Still, they have a legitimate pass rush that will get to Brady one time too many.

BAL over ATL
I still don’t get all the excitement and talk about ATL and NO being real teams this year. Where?

BUF over MIN
Asiata? Who is that guy? Here is what I do know: Bridgewater is a rookie. Orton is not.  Nuff said.

MIA over CHI
Miami steals one here despite the weather disadvantage. It is one of those 50/50 games, but I have not seen CHI playing tope-end ball lately and Miami is working as best as they can.

DET over NO
see BAL above.

GB over CAR
This is going to be a high scoring game to be sure. The CAR D is not even a shadow of what it was a year ago and that means Newton is going to need a 300+yrd game to compete. Lets just hope no evil bastards try to twist his ankle after the play again.

IND over CIN
In yet another 50/50 dogfight the Colts emerge as victors.

CLE over JAX
the 2014 poo bowl. These teams are barely recognizable as professional these days. In truth, the Jags could be beaten by at least one Florida college team. CLE is getting by but not very far by.

SEA over STL
Dangerous road game in the Lu, but coming off a home loss this team will be fired up and ready to get back to basics. That means ball control and giving the defense long periods of rest between the hard hitting three and outs.

WAS over TEN
I think Washington has two starting QBs. I also think one is a lot more like a rookie this year and it shows.

SD over KC
KC fooled me before, but I doubt San Diego will be fooled. These guys have a strong balanced attack and a hungry new RB who seems to be ready to roll.

NYG over DAL
Another win in Giants Stadium South. Yeah, I saw the game last weekend. Yeah it sucked. I bet it sucked worse for the o-line that got humiliated. I bet they want a little taste of revenge…

AZ over Oak
If it weren’t the Raiders and there wasn’t history there, this would be a trap game. I think JAX would destroy the Cards. I think the Raiders will play them tough. Like one (of like 47) Cards QB said, you gotta forget about the record and think about what they are capable of.

DEN over SF
This could and should have been the Super Bowl. Den would have and will win.

HOU over PIT
I should go for PIT. All the signs point to PIT, but I am not going to do that.

 

I think I know why I moved to a small town in Arizona. I think I’ve known for a long time. The key is authenticity. The key is that core relationship between the small town and the very compact and overpopulated city that I lived in for the first 18 years of existence. A surprising number of New Yorkers live in this corner of AZ. When we see each other we are far more friendly than we would’ve been had we run into each other on the streets of NYC. There is no unified bond between New Yorkers when we are all in New York. We become a tribe of the few only when we leave and in that leaving begin to recognize the similarities between on another and that gossamer bond of understanding that surrounds us.

I didn’t do name brand stuff in New York. I suppose I did name brand in a sense. I did name brand before it became name brand. The small shops and food joints that would later grow to be nationally recognized commodities were once known as ‘the place down the block we get food’ or ‘that spot around the way where we get our shirts.’ There existed a certain familiarity there which blossomed into local and often global understanding. I got to hang out in the sound booth and watch hip hop acts learn their rhythms. I stood by awkwardly as Treach and Queen Latifah fought over relationship issues I was too young to understand. I sat for lunch with Guliani and presented an award to Dinkins. These acts were not seen as huge or braggadocio, they were every day things a lot of kids did. I remember hanging out on the east side a lot of nights and seeing Joan Rivers walk her annoying little dog. There were always folks around but nobody mobbed her. She was just an old lady who lived around the way. The experiences were authentic. They were not born of media frenzy or big box store bought simulacrums of real stuff.

In my town we have this place called Helen’s. She makes a legendary tri-tip sandwhich, but my boys prefer the cheesy steak-fries (which happen to have shreds of real steak mixed in with the cheese). A few weeks ago I was in the shop talking with Helen’s sister and thinking, this is exactly the kind of folksy stuff that ends up on a cooking show and replicated a hundred times over. This is what Dave’s BBQ was before Dave sold out.

I don’t live in NYC anymore. I don’t live in an urban area. However, the beauty of NYC isn’t that it is urban. The beauty is the authenticity and the connections and the experiences. This is why real New Yorker’s avoid Times Square like its a Texas Hospital. The authenticity of that space is gone. The authenticity of my town is still there. I have real connections and relationships and feel engrained in the history and with the people and places as they rise from the dirt and being a part of that is a bit like being a part of Harlem as it rose–before it became the tourist spot it is today.

I measure my life in authentic moments and enjoy where I’m at when I can have those moments.

Technical difficulties forced me to post this late…

 

If I could stare at a blank screen for 10 minutes I would do that tonight. I’m a bit worn out emotionally, physically, and especially creatively. There is something to having that cycle of loading up creativity, letting it loose, and resting. There is not rest for me this month, but the Zen music from yesterday did provide some helpful insight on what to do when you are away from your creativity: listen to good music, forget about the world for about 30 seconds, don’t watch bad football teams be humiliated, and stay off facebook.

 

Not that facebook is apparently relevant anymore. My students reminded me of how unhip I am by letting me know that facebook died ‘a million years ago’. Now they instagram and snapchat. I’m not a fan of the shift towards purely visual or absurdly immediate communication mediums but I’m even less of a fan of being at the old age end of the tech curve. I suppose that is an aspect of aging, but I don’t fully believe it.

 

Here is something I do believe: I believe that Mondays are unexpectedly difficult. I believe I’m a better teacher now than I was a year ago. I believe I’m less organized now than a year ago but it has nothing to do with the improved level of teaching. That has more to do with passion and heart and spirit—all of which spring from my writing.

 

Even writing as brief and unenergized as this.

 

I’m listening to Zen music and trying to strike a chord of inner peace after what turned out to be a long and trying day. Here is what I learned:

1. While the walls are thin, they are infinitely thicker than the open air between two backyards as you are ripping your kid a new one for deciding his need for attention ‘right now’ is far more important than the building project I’m doing that, if I step away from ‘right now’ will come crashing down–which it did.
2. The garage sensors are apparently below the front end of a car and will still slam the garage door down forcefully and repeatedly with the car stuck in it. Yeah, that happened too.
3. Bees like flowers in my front yard. They like them so much that they’ve decided to never leave. Perhaps they’ll seek residence in my air vents. Perhaps they already have.
4. Kids still cheat at video games.
5. I’m good at a few things and communication does not appear to be one of them. At least not unless I write it down. Then I’m decent.

I find myself unusually negative this weekend, which is why I’m listening to an 8 hr zen track and considering the healing sounds of thunder and rain. I don’t know if any of it actually works without me moving towards a meditative state, but it can’t hurt.

 

The tricky thing about coaching is understanding your players. As one ref put it, “I’m not reffing the world cup here.” Tell it to the coaches and parents who have these expectations of success for their kids that is often at odds with the ability of the players. Today I coached two soccer games and learned a lot about how disparate the skill levels of players can be and how one player can actually make or break an entire team.

The boys play on two different teams. The mid-kid, who is seven, plays for the 6-7 and 8-9 teams. The fiver plays for 6-7 and boy #1 plays 8-9. The first game was the 6-7 and it was clear from the onset that we were dealing with a team that had multiple players at the 7 yr old age level and skill level. We don’t have that luxury. Or substitutes. We play 6-6 and only ever have 6 players for a given game. Today, being hot and humid, was a very tough day to play a game. We fought to a 4-5 loss and I can honestly look at the game and say we should have tied or won. What sucks is that we would’ve done a lot better had we had the one kid who missed the last two games. It isn’t that he is an outstanding player it is that he is a body and an aggressive one at that, and having the one sub allows kids to stop, breath, and not become overwhelmed. When your top kid is off his game it shouldn’t mean you lose. You should be able to pull him out for a minute, let him regroup and get right. We couldn’t do that and the result was a few kids who were sad about losing and the other half of the team that apparently had no idea what was going on to begin with.

8-9 was the opposite story. It was 7-0 at the end of the first 10 minute quarter. After that our players stopped taking the game seriously. We won by some large margin, but what was interesting to see was how our team devolved into a group of selfish kids who really wanted to score all by themselves and abandoned all the fundamentals of teamwork we’d taught them to that point. I suppose that is the other side of disparate skill levels. If you feel you are infinitely better than your opponent you will start to behave in a foolish manner. That there is the core of the trap game.

I hope both teams figure something out before the next games.