Month: October 2016

It is gonna take a glass of wine to get through this one.

It remains totally clear to me that this election is as much about the shift between the old generation and the new as it is about the undeniable fact that we, as a culture, are not interested in female leadership. The two are entwined in an old and lasting way. That older culture, filled with people who quietly want to say and think the things that Trump actively says and does. Not all of these people are bad people, and in fact most are likely responding in a defensive way to what they see as continuing change to the fundamental way life has been lived in their country over the course of their lives. For the first time, I really get ‘Thanks, Obama’ because it is largely his fault.

When you elect a black president and follow it with a woman then all sense of the way things were is gone. Trump is a response to that, and one that ought not be ignored. These people are Americans too. Some of them are the kind of folks who want to believe the world is against them, and the way Trump continues to point to there being a conspiracy to steal the election is making them very dangerous.

Someone is going to get shot.

 

Some Thoughts:

1. The more I read and watch and love, the less I understand women.

Maybe the lull is finally over. I feel like I’m a lot closer to moving forward as a writer and a human than I have been in recent years. This brief flare of positivity is akin to the precious spark of two stones slapped together against kindling. It will not endure a strong breeze.

What I do need to get to doing is coming up with a plan for what I want over the next 16 months. I have vague ideas but nothing concrete has been laid out. It is mostly me, hiding from my stories, going through the motions, and trying to make it to and through the next Saturday. It is funny, being divorced is supposed to catapult you into the next phase of your life where you become this super motivated and super wonderful guy. I thought I was a decent guy, but in terms of catapult, I’d say we experienced a failure to launch.

Now I’m back to the edge of that cliff with my legs dangling over the edge and the fear to jump, because who truly knows what lies ahead and how it will affect you? I feel like the not knowing, though scary, is part of the joy.

Some Thoughts:
1. The visual interface of my wordpress is not working I have to go through the old school code window to get thing humming. It could be my computer. It is old and memory deficient. The kids have been using it to play all manner of games, so who knows what nonsense the dragged back from the web with them. Then again, the window in the corner of my screen is prompting me to upgrade to MacOS sierra, so that could be the problem altogether.

Yesterday my eldest and I had a conversation over Minecraft. To those who don’t know me, Minecraft has become strangely connected to peace and meditation for me. I listen to Buddhist lectures when I play alone and when I play with the kids it always ends up in some manner of philosophical conversation. Yesterday we fell upon the subject of finished projects. The boys are suddenly into pixel art and spent their available free time this weekend scouring the web for video instructions on how to make images of their favorite characters using Minecraft blocks. The eldest found a set of videos of people who made elaborate 28 hr projects. At the end of one such project the creators blew up the entire thing. He lost his mind. When he asked me about it I explained that it didn’t matter what they did after they saw the finished work, because they were already finished. This took additional time to explain.

The boy is working through his own 20+ hour project and could not grasp how, after all that work, they could just blow it to bits–having no lasting piece of it to peruse at their leisure. On the surface I understand his confusion. However, that confusion is only surface. I first related the situation to gaming. I asked him about the games he plays and how he gets his character better and better in pursuit of beating the end boss. Then I asked him what he does with the game after he beats it. He leaves it alone, of course. So then what is the best part of the game? Is it the battle at the end? After a while he admitted that he enjoys playing the game and experiencing the quest and the build up to the boss battle. In other words, he appreciates the journey.

In games, in writing, and in general life itself it is moreso about the journey than it is about the destination. Too often we are concerned with the achievement of completing something and marking that notch on our belt or affixing that badge to our legend. Still what is a notch or a badge but a signifier to tell someone else that we did something. What we keep is the experience of doing what we love. The greatest stories are not of the end boss battle but of the journey to get there.

 

 

Trump’s October surprise is not actually a surprise. We know the dude has been in multiple playboy videos, is on his third trophy wife, and routinely acts as if he might be sexually attracted to his daughter because she epitomizes female sexuality as he sees it. There’s more of course, but wasn’t that enough warning that he might not feel like women are all that equal? Putting him up against the first female candidate and having a significant portion of America still be all in on voting for him only serves to highlight the terrible distance we still must achieve in turning America into a legitimately equal and inclusive society and not just one that acts like it is when it is not.

I feel like this is the real Black lives Matter conversation. Not that we have a problem with how our society criminalizes black people, not that there may or may not be justifications for such action, but we chose to focus on justifying the statements and protecting the idea of the law enforcement vs. considering looking at the prevailing conditions that cause so many people to feel like this is a problem.

In other words, we treat discrimination the same way we treat global warming. I can promise that without a sea change (pun intended) on each of them we will lead our nation and our world into ruin.

Some Thoughts:

1. Got to get back to being disciplined and really being a scion for my family.
2. People are delicate and you can only make so many mistakes and wrong choices before they stop letting you in.
3. At some point it is easier to recognize the fault in yourself and take control of that.

I’ve gotten very good at shutting down. Tonight after the kids went to bed I disappeared into a world populated by Madden players and side-screened by all the shows I forgot to watch. I was gone for three hours and didn’t even know it. I mean gone. I missed 14 text messages because I left my phone downstairs and didn’t even emerge until it was too late to call the love of my life and wish her a goodnight.

Gone.

Maybe that is a good thing. Maybe once in a while a guy needs to slip out of his skin, his life, and his mind and into a life that doesn’t belong to him and allows him to escape and recharge. I think such a moment can be as important and as powerful as spending ten minutes at the keyboard everyday in full decompression.

I did not leave the console with any new ideas or a special outlook on life or anything of that sort. I did get it out of my system and I did escape for just long enough to long for the cold familiarity of a reality that is not always so great but is unerringly my own. I’m happy enough in this life and certain that one day when it does end it will do so on my terms. I know that day I’ll feel like I did everything I wanted to do and made the impact I wanted to make.

And I’m not just talking about video games.

 

Some Thoughts:

1. Odell, get over it. I cannot go a day without hearing a kid scream your name and try to catch a ball (awkwardly). Go win some damn games.
2. Carmelo, part of my coming to terms with faith and Buddhism is a need to let go of hate. I’ve been angry at you for a long time. IMHO, you helped ruin my Knicks for a long time. Ownership is more to blame, but blame is not even the issue here. The issue is that I should not hate you or anyone. I should accept your role and celebrate the achievements of your life. Congrats on the gold medals and all you have done for my favorite basketball team.
3. Man that is still hard to type.
4. To that special someone: If you’re still reading this next one is just for you… always.

My neighbor pulled up in my driveway after school. His son, a foster kid who’d been kicked around the system for a bit before he and his brother found a good spot, peered out nervously from the passenger seat. I asked them what was up while waving the boys over in case the son was here to play. He wasn’t. His dad was there to let me know about the school threats. The clowns were coming and they had a hit list of people to kill in the ‘copa.

This has to be the worst prank ever. It has spread across the country and developed into nationally covered news. Clowns are coming to kill us all. This article in the Guardian does an excellent job of explaining the clown epidemic and chronicling it back to the very first story. It all started with a sighting by a little boy. Whether or not he actually saw was he believes is debatable, but he clearly touched the hearts of many in some way. Often that response was for a prankster to further the mythos, leading to many schools including the one my boys attend, getting locked down from a clown scare.

Too far too fast. The power of social media is really beyond question at this point. They can make lowns come to life and scare you near death.

Some Thoughts:

1. I was right about the Cardinals.
2. Mindfulness is a very important and useful way to really check in on yourself and where you are at with everything.

Once a week I get to watch the Giants lose a winnable game. I get the same spot o’ fun with my Jets too. And Cardinals. Not the Bills though. They win the games they shouldn’t and make me smile. Go Bills. In the meanwhile, there are other games happening this weekend. Here is what I think will go down:

AZ over SF
I do not believe the Cardinals are actually as terrible as they seem. The defense feels lackluster and lacks the aggression of a year ago, but they play best with their backs against the wall. No Carson Palmer and a 1-3 record means backs against the wall.

GB over NYG
The Giants depleted secondary was exposed. It is only going to get worse when Rogers roles in 5 WR deep. I’m struggling to keep the faith with my team, just as the team struggles with getting Beckham in check. Maybe that at least will happen this week. It needs to happen soon. The Giants cannot fall further behind in that NFC East race.

OAK over SD
I’m starting to believe the hype on the Raiders. They are playing hungry and lean and fast. That is inspiring after seeing them struggle for so long.

BUF over LA
Sexy Rexy is a pro at holding on to his job.. and a lead. He will get his team out early against the Rams and hold on for the win a la the Patriots game.

DET over PHI
Lets stop annointing Wentz as the next big thing. We do that to every single NFC East QB and only Eli is going to the hall. So who is the guy? Dak? Wentz? That 1 yr contract dude in Washington? You like that? I don’t like that. I don’t like Philly here either. All praise the coming beat down.

Quick Picks:

BAL over WAS
CAR over TB
CIN over DAL
DEN over ATL
PIT over NYJ
MIN over HOU
TEN over MIA
IND over CHI

One of those nights where I don’t have a whole lot to say. I am behind on a handful of things, which feels like the fallout from a weekend where I didn’t allow myself any decent amount of time to myself. The time I did have solo largely went towards decompression via TV and video games. One should not do too much of that, but when is enough enough?

I feel like this is the week where I really need to start moving back towards being more in control of my responsibilities. This happens to be a time where I do not have too much on my plate. Better make the best of that situation and get back to the priorities.

Some Thoughts:

1. Chance the Rapper (wrapper?) sold the heck out. Cheap too.
2. The problem with video game series is that the timeline to really create anything meaningful is
3. Madea Halloween? Really?
4. It turns out I am really judgmental. The Buddhist in me needs to let go of a lot of that judgment and hate.

Last night Madam Secretary started up again. It is sitting there on my DVR next to half a season of Fear the Walking Dead, episodes of The Strain, Star Wars: Rebels, and a half dozen other shows of lesser importance. They all swim in the waters of my mind, compelling me to watch them. They are distractions, yes, but they also bring me a small measure of joy.

While these things are temporarily enjoyable they do take up a lot of time that I could be using reading, writing, heck even grading. It leads to a really important conversation about prioritizing inputs–much in the way I discussed Garbage In/Garbage Out. I cannot continue to watch 47 shows and have time for 47 books, games, etc.

So, what do I do? I have been reducing the number of shows I watch, raising the number of texts I consume, and learning to use my time a lot better. It has not made me a better writer yet, but I am becoming more discerning about my distractions, focusing on a better quality of activity and show than I have in the past.

Little improvements every day is the best anyone can hope for.

Some Thoughts:

1. I believe most people have forgotten that Trump offered his initial vp candidate the keys to the castle. He intended to be a brash figurehead and let the VP run day to day operations like America is a corp. Now on the eve of the VP debate it is important to see what the VPs have to say–especially if Trump somehow wins.

I’ve been thinking about the concept of Garbage in/Garbage out as it applies to multiple aspects of life. I’ve heard it most commonly applied to diet–capitalizing on the thought that you cannot have a great physique if you live on terrible foods. It is not hard to apply that theorem to writing. You cannot write well if all you consume is terrible writing. This would account for the high percentage of fan fiction that follows poorly written books. I am no literature snob. I’ll spend as much time between the pages of a Drew Karpyshyn fantasy or video game-based novel as often as I dive into anything considered classic literature. What I do focus on is good writing. Less garbage in = Less Garbage out.

Can we apply that theorem to personal relationships and the development of a social life. I am convinced that the majority of people fall into their friendships out of convenience and a general avoidance of awkwardness. Some people, though hard to be around, persist and create that sense of ‘man I wish he’d would go away’. I’ve been wanting to write a story about bad neighbors for a while now, but haven’t found the voice to tell that story. The way I see it the protagonist falls into an ever deepening series of personal relationships based on a connection to a specific neighbor and in doing so manages to step back from spending time with that neighbor–the guy who won’t go away–only to discover that he himself is that guy for everyone else in his deepening social network. It could be fun.

The last time I just had fun writing a story was one I published in World of Shadows about a worker who tries to solve the mystery of a theft that is pinned on him before it costs him his job. I’m freely streaming between ideas right now, so what I am really saying is it is important to have fun with your writing.

Maybe I should’ve just called this post Weird Writing Tips from the TalisFiles.