Month: August 2018

Four minutes until 9 PM and I am sitting in my library waiting for my youngest to come home. There are a few things to reflect on here. For one I have reached a point where I am so disconnected from my kids practices that he comes home and often even shows up without me. I call that progress. He’s more likely to call that disinterest. My kids are used to a certain level of involvement from me, and by me stepping back a little it feels like they feel like I am virtually detached from their lives. 

This is not true. 

In truth I feel like they are used to seeing me one way and in one phase of their existence. I’ve coached them all at various points in time and for the first time in their lives I am not coaching a single one. That time freed was meant to give me time and space to be a writer, but it hasn’t really been that way at all. That time and space is largely wasted, still devoted to helping the kids in some other fashion, or consumed by mundane tasks. I want to be able to call it a shift that allows me to to spend the time I would have otherwise spent on those menial tasks on writing but I just feel like I’m struggling with the guilt of not being there for them every waking moment and am, as a result, wasting the time I have trying to make up for the time not being spent on them.

What I need to do is get back to caring about myself as much as I do about seeing them succeed. This is another case of easier said then done. Whenever I focus on self betterment something rushes into that action void to claim my time and brain cycles. Perhaps the first step is to not look at that time as an action void. Then it might not invite such behavior.

Baby Steps.

I am approaching the 2018 football season with guarded optimism. Odell is healthy and though Engram seemingly left the Jets game with a concussion, he will be available for week 1. Meanwhile, Teddy Bridgewater was too costly for that Giants cap. I have long believed the G-men could be one of a handful of teams looking at Bridge as a next up guy for their franchise. Instead of NY he lands in NO as the air apparent for Drew Brees. This hasn’t been sold in quite so clear packaging, but it is what it is.

Football is a game of finance and physicality. The salary cap casualties are as interesting to absorb as the injury casualties. I don’t exactly know which category the NY Giants offensive line falls into but they are a casualty–especially after trading away their center. Hopefully there is enough there for the team to hold back a pass rush and give Barkley a few lanes.

In Jets land the starting QB job belongs to Darnold. Mr. USC is about to be pummeled and defeated in what I promise to be Jamarcus Russell level sadness. He’s not good. Sooner or later they’ll all figure out that he is a dink and dump qb who favors routes on his right side and under ten yards. He’s a game manager billed as a big deal. Hopefully he is vocal in the locker room.

That’s it. Rant over.

Some Thoughts:

1. I didn’t blog during the writing process today and it felt like cheating.

Just thoughts. Raw Thoughts.

Some Thoughts:

1. Been thinking about the fact that Omorosa brought a recording device into the situation room. It terrifies me that we don’t have the level of security at the highest level of government that we do at a private advanced movie screening. 
2. I am really happy with my classes this semester. So far.
3. I got pie. I needed good pie and that happened, so life is good.
4. Mile 22 was horrible. It seemed designed almost entirely to produce a sequel. Yet it wasn’t good enough to sustain itself. The best part of the film was the man they were transporting. 
5. Going to dive headlong into story tomorrow before I lose steam.
6. Drained and without words this fair evening…

My partner works at a a local university. I’m extremely proud of her for landing the coveted U-job (English majors might live for this kind of stuff). Today I went in to work with her in order to experience what her environment is like (it’s a couples thing. I think it is really important to know where your partner is coming from and what they do all day long. This is not feasible for most professions, but for what we do it is easy).

I used to teach at University before I transitioned to desert living. In truth, I came here to teach at University but wound up finding a home at the Community Colleges. I’m not mad about that or even jealous of her and her opportunities. On the one hand I recognize her ceiling for recognition and prestige is much higher than my own and I like that. On the other hand, none of that stuff actually has mattered to me for a good seven years. I just want the space and freedom to teach how I think works and fill classes with the context I find interesting. I get to do that where I am at and she’s starting to do that in her own space. 

What made me sit and ‘ten-minute’ this experience is the exasperation and occasionally awesome experience of being back on a U-campus. It is really different. It started with crashing my car into a curb as a group of Asian bicyclists straight cut me off at a turn. Apparently bikes have the right of way. As a New Yorker I find this antithetical to the very nature of human existence. Stupid should not survive. Period.

Once I moved past that (slowly and agonizingly and I hope my car is alright) we walked across the campus enjoying the sights and sounds and surprising lack of people. I suspect most students are about later-in-the-day classes. I love the campus’ quiet spots. It feels very post industrial, as if Matheson’s Vampire (actually they were more like Zombies in the short) story came to life not on the screen but in a real space overgrown with vines and desert trees. Experiencing the University space was my favorite part about working at a U. 

The students are different here than in CC. More formal and driven. The conversations I happened by were about their pursuits and classes. Students here deal in business, not bullshit. I miss that. I miss no nonsense high level discourse driven discussions in the classroom. I miss the bound community of a University. I miss teaching at a higher level. 

Some Thoughts:

1. Life is good. 

I decided to write first thing this morning–mostly to keep me off of Madden. I have a real love-hate relationship with that all-consuming game right now. I turned the min-speed slider all the way down to zero in order to express that some players are just faster than others. I was really getting tired of watching 99 speed players be chased down from behind by players with 88 or lower speed and far less acceleration. Travesty. Trash.

Madden is meant to make me happy. Video Games fall into a shrinking category of things that perform that function. I’ve been trying to reshape my psyche around the things that bring joy. Thus far the work is difficult with little of the expected reward. Instead it feels like spring cleaning for the soul but without the satisfying cleanliness at the end. 

I am likely to base my next character sketch on this idea. I’ll make him an emotional hoarder. He keeps ideas and thoughts and plans–often in the form of baubles that trigger the memory/emotion. Therefore his space winds up remarkably cluttered–at least to his mind–while to everyone else it is just a typically male (read: messy) space. 

Some Thoughts:

1. 351 didn’t publish because I didn’t hit publish twice. I really dislike that feature of the new Gutenberg editor for wordpress. In truth, I cannot point to much I like about the new editor. I was happy with what I had before, and it also appeared to be easier to embed code into the former interface than this strange text box-driven environment. However, I haven’t tried so there’s that.
2. Starting the sports season — 8 regular season football games (7 left for one kid!), 8 soccer games, 7 more High School football games. The bulk of the season should be over by Halloween. This is going to cause strain on a lot of different areas–including my partnership. Yet, when I think about the things that really bring me joy I must number watching my kids excel at sports high on the list… It would be different if they sucked. Perhaps the balance is to have a sports season such as this and then a matching stretch of months where there is none of this rigamarole. Three months on and then three off with some less drastic balance in between.
3. I will make sure to hit publish twice this time.

The worst thing that I can have is free time on my hands. Given the time I will obsess over the things I cannot change or decipher. It could be anything. Today it is youth football–specifically not knowing the scores of games that I want to know the scores for. I can wait till tomorrow. I don’t want to. I’m curious and I feel like this is a minor thing I can sink my mind into easily.

In other words, I am between stories and projects. If I am so quick to consume myself with useless nonsense, the key to my productivity is to constantly stay on task and create something of value as often as possible. I could have been writing a story today. Instead I played a lot of Madden, looked up youth football scores for the better part of an hour, and spent more time thinking about what those scores could possibly mean. 

I wasted time. I waste time a lot and I want to be better about how I use my hours on this plane of existence.

Some Thoughts:

1. RIP John McCain. I liked the guy. I felt he stood up for what he believed in and what I felt was good for our people and this country. I didn’t always agree with his policies, but he was a good man and a good leader. He wasn’t a piece of dookie like the guy we all put in the office now.
2. Long day. Did not do much with it. I did however learn that I am convinced that I will lose weight faster by being in the heat and exerting myself a little. That just makes sense.
3. I had noodles today and cheated a little on my diet. It did not end well.

I was really tired last night. As I was trying to repost the blog from yesterday I found myself reading over it and noticed the writing mistakes. This is the hallmark of first drafts and of sleep-drunk writing sessions. Knowing what does not work helps me to focus in on what does work. Lately I have taken to using the sounds of rain and thunder as a white noise backdrop to my writing time. This is a better measure than music (which can distract and often mellow) and YouTube (which completely co-opts my attention). The method is working and I believe that I am starting to adopt a rhythm in terms of when and how I write. It is working to make me fall back into the process and be less concerned with the outcome. 

Writing is a process. It is the slow pressure build and boil off of life to me. I get to sit in a space and create something almost every day, and every day that I do I am proud of myself for being able to get there. Think about that for a second: How many times a day do you really think about being proud of yourself. Most things are either disappointment or expectation. Video games are a perfect example of this. I expect to win a game of Madden. I am disappointed when I lose. The joy of winning comes from knowing I should win and fulfilling that prophecy and not from any particular innate joy of the process of winning. Here as a writer I am proud of the process and I am working to place as little expectation as possible on the outcome–at least in terms of a first draft. 

What saddled me with worry and guilt was the concept that the first draft needed to be the finished draft. It hardly ever reached that standard, but I sent out first drafts all the time. In fact I published so many first drafts that I am either an exceptional author or I am not the only one practicing this way, thus lowering the overall quality of published writing across the spectrum. I think it is B. 

If it is B, imagine the upper hand I get with a well revised draft!

Due to technical issues, this did not post last night…

Recently the Oakland Raiders cut a 2nd round pick. This is a rare
occurrence. When a team invests a high level pick such as a 2 or 1 they commit to seeing that effort out. The Raiders have behaved more like an unemotional video game than the wild ideas of a group of curious fans.

It is my experience that when a first rounder goes bust we hear about that individual for some time. The Jets have been holding on to a Linebacker who has been hurt more than healthy over the past few years. Teams still think RGIII has something left. Other qb fails (Jared Lorensen, anyone?) become stories of failure and hopefully redemption. 

The story is what matters and by cutting the 2nd rounder, The Raiders end that story but start a new one: This is a team willing to cut ties with anyone in order to get to where they want to be. That’s Madden mode. That is Gruden Mode. 

A week into the new way and I am still searching for a rhythm. Part of the issue is the way things are constantly changing. It is all moving pieces and not ever knowing exactly what is expected tomorrow. I’ve already had to shift my writing schedule back an hour. Now 10-12 feels more like a comfort zone than the 9-11 initial option offered. It is a question of responsibilities and finding holes in the schedule (like on the field) where I can just sit down and have my moments. 

I don’t expect the world from myself this time. I expect to settle in and remember how to grind. I will learn from that grind and hopefully make better choices and develop better habits. That is more realistic than trying to shoot the moon every time. 

Some Thoughts:

1. The openly two-faced nature of politics is absolutely showing itself as forces begin scripting their stories behind the murder of a young Iowa girl and the once unrelated conviction of two Trump aides. These represent the opposite sides of the political divide.
2. Picked out a gift for the 14 yr old. It is a bit lavish, but I think the personal xbox really does benefit everyone. Now to move everything into one space and wire it up nicely…

I’m in bed earlier than usual, because I have a 4:45 wake up call in order to get my mid kid to practice pickup by 5:15. He is doing the equivalent of two-a-days three times a week in order to fit in his two main sports. He plays soccer and football and hopefully will be able to go to the next level in one or both and then to the level beyond that if possible. I’d love to see him use his foot skills to become a high school kicker and soccer player and then scholarship in both areas in order to cover the cost of college. Once in college I would like to see him find his way and be happy. I want that for all my kids. I found it myself, but it took a damn long time. Up till a few years ago, in fact. 

As I reflect on my happy I find that this diet is really harshing my mellow (more than the leaky faucet). By reducing my meals to basically walnuts and coffee a few times a day I am limiting the nutrients that flood into me when I am eating well. The lack of nutrition shows so much that I am starting to pick up on it. Maybe the best plan is some sleep and good food in the early morning.

Some Thoughts:

1. My leaky faucet is going to cost me my pension. Seriously, it has to be costing a fortune, but I have yet to find the time/energy to fix it.