Month: September 2018

I need to write first thing in the morning

The line above has become a refrain, as in poetry, where I repeat it time and time again in hopes the repetition solidifies a deeper understanding or announces another segment of the struggle. Make no mistake: The struggle is real. Except, I don’t really understand the struggle. Once I’ve set the appropriate conditions to write or have at least motivated myself to the laptop and started punching, curiously, at the keys, it all tends to happen. Sure, some days what comes out is terrifyingly useless, but it is words. There are more good days than bad days. Unfortunately, there are not very many days at all. 

I’ve written and read about writing long enough to recognize that there are only a handful of variables that impact whether or not a person is a writer. To me, they are as follows: Confidence, motivation, external support, environment, organization, followthrough, and throughput.  

Let’s talk about that last one for a few minutes. Throughput is defined by dictionary.com as “the amount of material or items passing through a system or process.” To me that represents everything that we as writer’s take in from the world and mold into our oft fictonal settings. I find this most transparent in song writers–especially rappers. Consider the brilliance of Kanye West when he was living at a lower social stratum, touring the world with groups of artists and, before that, living amongst the people and understanding and recognizing what real life looks like. He wrote about that stuff. As his fame grew, his throughput shrank until eventually he became another insulated Kardashian and entirely forgot how the real world functions. Why? No throughput. No access to the real world materials that artists thrive on. In many ways success is it’s own tomb. So is being extremely busy–if you let it. I find that my throughput is shrinking due to focusing on the menial and repetitive daily chores that define my day to day life. My world has shrunk and my throughput has done accordingly. As a result I need to create more opportunities to step away from that insular pattern and see. I also need to look at that pattern itself and find the value in that day to day and what it too can bring to the page.

That term ‘grit’ popped up again the other day, and I recognized for the first time in a while that I don’t really have it. Not entirely. There is a wonderful Forbes article that speaks to the 5 key characteristics of grit. In that article it argues that grit includes optimism and follow through. While I have both, the tank is too low to fully realize it. 

Maybe I am like my car. There’s this torn axel boot that is leaking  transmission fluid and I don’t have the means to fix it at this point. More to the point, I cannot deal with the changes to my life needed in order to fix it. As a result the car is not running right. Still, it is running and doing what it needs to. 

Fix the car. Fix the man?

Some Thoughts:

1. Ultimately we are responsible for bettering our human race by having kids and having those kids represent the best version of themselves (and of us by default). Needless to say that a lot of our time and energy defaults to this endeavor. It is then some wonder that we have managed to steadily screw it up. 
2. Of course it is due to these devotions that we surrender time for ourselves and our friends and become, in a sense, slaves to the work of raising kids and neglect to raise our grown up selves.
3. While I am eating better, healthier, etc. I have hit a weight plateau that I don’t know how to get past.
4.  

I am the faculty advisor for the honors society of my community college. Being in this role allows me to connect with cc students who, contrary to the stereotype want to ball academically. Now having spent a year in the role I can truly say that this is a strange collection of individuals who are surprising, engaging, and truly capable of doing great things. That being said, some straight up suck.

I am not talking about my team. I love my team. They are an eclectic mix of achievers who largely seem to get what an advantage and what great opportunities they have laid before them. They don’t operate from a position of presumed privilege and don’t look down on the people who aren’t ‘at their level’ yet. In truth, they want others to get where they are and for their collaborations to grow and grow until we can say the entire campus rocks honors style and should be seen as such. However, many many others look down their nose at those who aren’t achieving and are just struggling to find their way academically. It is as if there are the students who meet the stereotype of CC and by their existence perpetuate it and there are students who find that stereotype revolting and by their existence seek to distance themselves and the CC name from that stereotype. I don’t think these forces need to exist in opposition, but the binary reinforcements of our society make it so.

Some Thoughts:

1. Since we are talking binary reinforcement, I’d like to point out that the latest proposed Supreme Court appointee is the embodiment of that statement and his hearings have been the worst version of the divide between the opposing forces. 
2. I also believe that he has shown himself to be partisan and to have a bias (perhaps newly formed) against the ‘other side’ which is going to show itself in his rulings. I believe this because I believe he is not even tempered and lacks the patience to serve fairly on the highest court in the land. 

I wound up back in coaching, working with my youngest and a coach who is in the league’s hall of fame. I’m having fun and not taking it as a life or death struggle that ultimately decides my human value. In other words, I’m coaching a kid’s team and recognizing that I’m just doing that. It’s fun like that. It’s two hours twice a week that, for the most part, stays on the field and doesn’t come home with me. It’s entirely different from the past and I can deal with that. 

Meanwhile the writing has been less than stellar and I recognize that this is largely about not making enough consistent time for the endeavor. I’m not doing it right and I need to get back to where I am doing it right and consistently. 

Beyond this, life is good. I’m loving life and love and dealing with the madness and drama that defines my youthful existence. Though as old as I am but don’t entirely feel, 

Happiness can be fleeting but it can also be sustained by good habits and better writing. I intend to make the most of my opportunities moving forward to do both. I want to move forward with a sabbatical and take some time to myself to really fall into the writing and make something of it. I am close to happiness that is sustainable. It’s only an opportunity away. 

Well, I was right about the Giants. All it took was the team finally abandoning the league’s worst O-Lineman. With Flowers benched the line looked like they cared and wanted to protect Eli (and their jobs). Wheeler struggled against Watt, but he held up well enough to let Eli fling it.

Gimmie Picks:
Jags over Jets
Pats over Dolphins
Texans over Colts
Packers over Bills
Falcons over Bengals
Seahawks over Cards
Chargers over SF

Rams over Vikings
This is a tricky one, but not the most tricky of the week. I feel like the Rams have a solid advantage because Griffen is out. When you have a lynchpin player like that and he’s hurt–mentally–that hurts the team badly.

Giants over Saints
I remain a believer. The Saints pass rush is limited to the point where Eli can be effective. I think they can outscore the Saints. This is going to be the difference maker, because it is going to be one heck of a shootout. 

Ravens over Steelers
James Conner is producing, but that will be limited by a stout ravens LB corps. Most importantly, the Ravens are perfect in red zone scoring. That is where the game is going to be decided.

Broncos over Chiefs
The Chiefs are really good. Really, really good. On offense. What is being overlooked are the glaring weaknesses in the secondary that will be exposed when the safeties come up in run support and allow Thomas to get free. 

Browns over Raiders
Browns are starting the kid. We knew that. Raiders gave up arguably the best defender in the sport. We knew that. Browns D has an answer for everything the Raiders can do except for the one thing they won’t do–feed the Beast. Bet you didn’t know that.

Bears over Bucs
I love me some fitzmagick, but what I was just talking about in regards to the best defender? Yeah, he plays for the Bears now on a D that was already good. 

Cowboys over Lions
I don’t entirely trust the Cowboys, but I also think last week’s Lions win was the result of Patricia having such a deep understanding of Belicheck. I also kind of think that Beli is slipping. He doesn’t seem to be ‘the guy’ anymore.

Titans over Eagles
Go Titans! Look, this team has a lot of weapons on both sides of the ball and is only now really beginning to gel. Meanwhile, the Eagles are not as strong as they were last year and are relying on a strategy that caters to speed. Titans have the speed to match. 

The dictionary(.com) defines fait accompli as, “a thing that has already happened or been decided before those affected hear about it, leaving them with no option but to accept.” I believe that trying to organize a writer’s life without the use of lists is failure fait accompli. Trust me, I’ve tried.

Over the past several decades (i’m four in at this point) I have worked with lists and without lists, each iteration of the cycle yielding varying results. The busier my life becomes, the less I compartmentalize and the less I develop lists. When I don’t apply this basic organizing tool, I fail. I fail hard. In fact I am in the process of failing right now and I recognize that it is largely due to the absence of lists. While they may not be for everyone, a list of daily/weekly/monthly responsibilities is crucial to my understanding of the world I inhabit. For example, I have a story due on the 30th of this month. I only recognize this because I saw it flash by in an email reminder. Had it been part of a daily list, I would’ve structured out a time schedule to get that story in shape without the now inevitable end of week rush to handle my business. 

What do I mean by lists? I think the most basic form is to write out everything you need to get done in a day/week/month. Once the largest of these lists (that you are willing to tackle–and I strongly recommend monthly at the minimum) is constructed then break it down to the smallest possible of these tasks and rank them from easiest or fastest to the most time intensive. Get rid of that so-called “low hanging fruit” first, so that all that is left is the stuff that takes a moment to get handled. Then handle it. 

There is a profound sense of accomplishment in finishing a daily list. To scratch a line through the last word on the last line of the page fills me with joy. It so rarely happens that I feel like I’ve won something. In truth, you should win something. Part of how lists work is you deciding that you are going to limit your instant gratification pleasures until the list is done. That reward makes the list run and worthwhile. 

Garbage in, Garbage out is a philosophy of words and worlds I continue to hold dear. I believe what you read and watch greatly influences what you choose to and have the depth to write. It used to be that I consumed a massive amount of fantasy and as a result I wrote fantasy stories. After I found my way to Gibson and Stross I started writing science fiction. I suppose the point can be made that my writing is largely referential of these artists, but I would argue they are more so the gateway drugs to the genres they inhabit. I also think that I get inspired by what I perceive as good writing. Stephen King stories make me want to write great stories.

Beyond these inspirations I remain driven by the situations that arise in and around my life. I want to tell these stories as well. I prefer to tell them in a different context (mostly sci fi) but there remain human stories that need telling. I still feel a responsibility to tell them.

Some Thoughts:

1. I am starting to release some of this obsession I have with my kids’ success in youth sports. I think that is happening because I am starting to recognize that they aren’t as good as I want them to be and aren’t on the kinds of teams that they need to be in order to be elite.
2. No, I don’t intend to become the dad who coaches such teams. I do want to have some fun with my kids in a different way. I want to learn how to have fun with them in other ways than just these sports that have become so all consuming. I’m not mad about the sports stuff and still enjoy it, but I am getting worn out on it and nobody else in my life seems to appreciate it in any way, which makes it feel like it is me and the boys fighting to preserve something that isn’t making us entirely happy. 

We are all just temporary. That is the thought that plagued me throughout the day. Being sick usually reminds me of my mortality and leaves me thinking about how temporary and, in a sense, futile life can be. In the darkest moments I feel like we are all just serving the whim of some greater master. We are pawns or rooks or knights in service of a yet to be revealed king. This is not about religion or aliens or anything like that. This is more of a social commentary on the ‘rat race’. I wind up thinking, “what am I doing it all for?” and in those moments of bleakness I can recognize what it feels like to want to commit suicide. It represents some small moment of choice and power. It is a chance to embrace the invisible (yes, I am watching the Purge) on your own terms. 

Then I remembered how good it feels to love and to be loved. That will always be my path back to sanity. As a fellow writer argues, everything is about giving or receiving love. I think about this in the context of my own kids who have continued to destroy our home environment and display an incredible lack of consideration for each other and for me over the past few months. Where is the love in that? I feel like they are operating out of recklessness and a need for love and order. It is my responsibility to provide them with that and I have allowed myself to slip away from such responsibilities.

This can also be said of the writing. I should be further ahead of where I am, and I need to very much make the changes necessary to fix that. I have spent a lot of years being devoted to my laziness. It is such behavior that makes these moments where I question life feel all the more meaningful. If life is just temporary awareness, then shouldn’t we all make the best of that moment?

All in all this day has pretty much gone to hell. It started with us being late for the morning football game, which put the coach in a bad mood, which he took out on my kid. The team lost badly and my kid was benched on offense. I was scolded a bit (parent shaming is too strong a word, but a less patient man might’ve snapped). The second game really tested my resolve. We have been working to get these kids ready and certified. We failed. We forfeited our fifth straight and all but mathematically guaranteed we will not make the playoffs. So all of this energy pushed towards making this story a hero’s journey–all of this angling towards my kid feeling like he did something–is wasted. It lets me know I should have never invested in the first place. I get so caught up in wanting them to be successful that I transfer too much of myself into their stuff. What is left for me?

The second game story doesn’t end there. We have (had?) a new kid join the team and he is a straight up wimp. He is easily the largest kid on the team and was actually afraid to play. He refused to take the field for a single snap. Football might not be for him. Sadly, as a result we played with 10 players for close to half the game (one kid hurt his thumb and cried for a good 20 minutes). The team is soft. 

And I am sick. 

I’m sick and tired of a lot of things this weekend. I’m going to share some of that in the days to come.

Picture this scenario: You’ve finished a project and now there is that space between where ideas are meant to rush into the void and fill you with the excitement and promise of what is to come. But nothing does come. Sounds familiar? It didn’t happen to me at all until I hit my 30’s. Before I reach for the nootropic supplements, it makes sense to share some of the basics that help brain function and limit the damage aging does to the brain.

To begin, it might just be laziness. I firmly believe that laziness is a function of depression, so it is important to look at your emotional health as a writer. Are your emotional needs being met? What is taking more energy than it gives? Where are the pitfalls? If the laziness is not depression driven then it is likely a matter of bad habits. I’m a creature of habits and most of them are terrible. These last 78 days have been more about retraining myself to shed many of the habits holding me back. Laziness is a result of my bad habits as much as it is a function of my own depression.

There are choices. I can go for the supplements and get my mind right, work on better habits, and just write. That last one is key. Write. Keep writing and writing and writing until something comes out. Take advantage of every choice and option until you figure out the combination that works for you. Then write some more.