Day: August 13, 2018

I am starting a new routine with assigned writing hours. I want to lead off that time with the blog. This is part of a larger conversation where I am trying to make larger changes and be both supportive and be fully in one part of that two world system I wrote about yesterday. I don’t think it is a system that is going to work long term. Part of that is not having a place that really feels like it is my own in one space and part of it is that disconnect from the electronic world (no recorded shows, no PS4 saves, No x-box, No rain background to write to). All of this could be a very good thing in the long run, because it forces me away from the things that make me comfortable. Also, it forces me away from the things that make me comfortable, which by default leaves me feeling uncomfortable. There is a lot I still need to figure out about fitting in.

I think the term fitting in is the wrong way to even go about considering the situation. She tries to fit in to my thing. I try to fit into hers. When are we ever actually making something new that accommodates the needs and desires of both parties to the best of our ability? She built a home that feels like her. I built a home (although falling apart from desperate neglect) that feels like me (perhaps desperate neglect is me). Neither space feels like us. 

This is popping up in my head because there are a couple of days a week I’ll be sinking in here in the same way there are a couple of days a week I get to sink into the other space. The difference is that when I sink into the other space I am constantly trying to balance catching up on me time, (which means playing games by myself and watching my recorded shows), catching up on the housework (gotta cook, clean, get rid of a bunch of excess stuff, organizing bookshelves, figuring out how to neatly store the excess crap I still have, trying to maintain the fun spaces–the gaming equipment), and raising three boys (getting them to and from where they need to be, spending quality time with them just hearing about their lives, helping with homework).

The combination of such things runs me ragged.

I waited until the evening to blog, because I have nothing to say. Really. I could mention that the ‘off day’ blog was written with the same date slug as the previous day, showing how off I was. I’ll mention that I played Cranium for a few hours and it wasn’t until the end of the game that my brain really started humming. I just don’t feel entirely there today. I feel like I am living in a shell of a person and watching the lives of living breathing people around me without any real life force of my own to speak of. 

Part of it is living between two homes and having what feels like two distinct lives in these spaces–neither of which seem to actually belong to me. Nearly every day feels like a transition day. I’m falling out of one set of responsibilities and behaviors into another. In both I feel like I am playing a lot of catch up and trying to both meet expectations and to get a foothold on feeling comfortable and like I can actually do my own thing without feeling like I am neglecting something or someone else. It is a hard way of being and not a life I intend to live for years and years.

In many ways I’ve lost active control of my household and creating that sense of family there, so that space is largely about catch up, clean up, and find a few good moments of alone time to do the things I enjoy. My second household hums along smoothly and requires little from me, but as such I feel out of place and more than a little useless. Both households leave me unsettled and I need to figure out how to settle in.

Some Thoughts:

1. I might cancel the fantasy league for this year. A lot of work on my end that I just don’t have the time for.