Month: August 2019

**Note: This is getting posted late as I ***again*** failed to double click. I fear that as my life becomes complicated with responsibilities, I fail to manifest the patience to sweat the small stuff… like making that extra click. Post is below:

Going back to a regular teaching schedule has reminded me of the interesting cast of characters I freely associate with college. My college experience was such a beast. My best college friend (not to be confused with my brother who is not of my mother for we long transcended friendship and simply… are) looked quite a bit like Hootie (Darius Rucker) and often enjoyed the benefits afforded by such an appearance. Odd for an Indian man. So, yeah, a character. Such things have often inspired characters in my own writing. As I begin to move towards a mindset of having two worlds in my daily life, I am constantly looking for characters to populate those worlds.

I should explain. I write for a shared world. I do not believe I will be moving towards writing for other shared worlds in the next year or so, but I do intend/expect to begin populating my own fictional world again. I have in mind a series of short stories that will form a collection and those stories share a world or perhaps look at suburbs at different points in the near to distant future. In that I mean to populate these worlds and tell a sort of history of man through them. I hope to have a thread of characters who move in and out of the area. I hope to be able to conjure a moment where a family who left 100 years ago has a descendent come back and experience a form of the town that is very socially similar to what was going on when her family left. This came to me when I met a student this very morning who mentioned moving because of feeling like her family was outcast in some way and coming to a new place where they were once again cast out. I might change things slightly, but the general idea is to be telling two types of stories within the boundaries of these shorts. I want to tell a story of people and I want to tell a story of an ever shifting world.

What I am most afraid of doing (and have done many times before) is not telling the story at all; of getting all of this in my head and being satisfied by just that and, as a result, not ever making the hard work happen on paper. That would be a tragedy as it has been in the past.

Started class.

Moving on…

I’ve been thinking about the perils of writing in a shared world. The main peril is developing attachments to characters who, inevitably, will be murdered by other writers in that world. They will murder your darlings so you don’t have to. In spite of the joking tone, this is not a good thing. It is hard to develop an arc in a shared world, because not a lot of other writers are likely to recognize and understand your arc vision. Moreover, they have their own and these things often collide under the banner of shared space. Just this evening a writer asked about a property I’d been working on in the ‘long game’ sense and it is clear they are about to do something with it that will impact that long game. At least they are not killing a primary villain or anything. A few years back a group of writers killed off the protagonist of the novel I was writing. That sucked.

The good news is that it led to new ideas for a novella (even a series). So, some good can boil up from such things, though it is as rare as a rattlesnake with two rattles.

Some Thoughts:

1. Still going to be a struggle to get adequate football coverage this season. Not having NY access hurts.
2. Still excited about the upcoming football season. Play of top teams has shown me that there is opportunity there for my squad to excel.
3. A lot of drama on the teams we left behind. The entire organization descended into an awful power struggle. The kids were hurt the most in all of it. Ego ruins youth sports.

This is one of those, ‘quit the blog’ days where it really helps to reflect on why I am doing this as well as how I am doing this. The why is easy: I am cultivating a lifestyle where writing happens, in some form, every day. Some days (more than not lately) this is all that I get down on paper that isn’t grading or classroom design. It helps to know that this is going to happen regardless. Of course this evening it means sacrificing moments with loved ones and the resulting need to rediscover those connections that may have been bent or injured by the timing, like jamming a monitor cord into the wrong receiver. Things sometimes can never get straightened out. They always carry the scar of the action, be it in the discoloration or fragility of metal too often bent.

How I am doing it is the problem. I have been, for some weeks now, behind schedule. I have been playing a losing game of catch up and as the semester nears it appears that I will not be able to get right before it begins. The how is, I dare say, a mess.

I mentioned earlier that the semester start is a great opportunity to get a schedule going. Sadly, I feel a great sense of certainty that no one–not even myself–believes it will happen. I do not wish to be so negative about myself–especially in the midsts of a ‘quit the blog’ day, but the truth that comes out of this blog is important. It matters that I am real about where I am at, because there is no way to move forward on ground paved with lies and self delusion.

Wow, that was heavy trade for a dude talking about just trying to get crap done.

Some Thoughts:

1. I am grateful for the life I live.
2. I am grateful for the job I have earned.
3. I am aware that I have earned where I am at in life. That is a change from just feeling like a lucky dude. Luck is the collision of opportunity and preparedness. I’ve been lucky a lot.
4. Not always though. Lately… not so prepared.

Been weeks since I put out a purely fictional piece here. I will correct that tomorrow. Tonight is more of a reflective look. I’ve been thinking about the culture of youth sports and how parents commit such time and resources to the endeavor. A friend of mine is going to New Mexico next weekend to play their 6th pre-season game ahead of the youth football season. We are in the same league and our team is on our second week of practice. It is a different level, and at some point I think it is important to step back and realize that this is just kids playing games and ultimately it satiates little more than our (often more than their) egos. As someone who enjoys the interaction of coaching youth I have to say I think it is getting too involved at the organized team level. 6yr old games are being televised on Instagram channels. There is a show called Friday Night Tykes that follows 10u teams.

Too much.

Also too much is the lifestyle of video games. I noticed today that all the parents and coaches I interacted with talked about how they have banned their kids from gaming until after the football season. Temporary bans sound like a horrible solution. Instead I argue for moderation and internal checks and balances being instilled. Left to their own devices kids will play that addictive game (Fortnite) for hours. I’ve seen that happen at all ages. Raising the banhammer only hides the problem.

I’m still sorting out how to deal with the problem, but the high activity nature of our lives does leave me in a space where sometimes I want them to slip off into gamer world while I get my real world stuff done.

I am in no way prepared to start classes on Monday morning. I had intended for this to be the year of utmost preparedness and yet here we are. It is entirely my fault. I got into Madden the day it came out and then spent a ton of time just nesting and bobbing in the pool. There should’ve been more time on task then in order to avoid the massive requirement for time on task over the next few days. Moreover, I am not alone in this. I am responsible to my partner who needs my input and is not getting nearly enough of it.

So, there’s that.

Beyond which I have to say I am feeling strange about this year. There is not that sense of impending doom or joy or really anything. I feel strange in my skin–almost removed from it like in a 3rd person game. I don’t really understand why it is this way, but it is this way. So, I continue to move through the fugue, appreciating the life I have come to have and the life I have left.

Part of that life is watching the Giants game in bed as my kids game only footsteps away. It is a part of my life that does bring me joy. There are other parts that explode with joy and I look forward to them continuing.

Okay, I’m officially starting to worry about the divisive nature of U.S. politics. Just today Trump reached out to Israel to encourage them to ban two U.S. Congresswomen from coming to their country. That is a hot mess. Consider the coverage of the action from here and here. Can you tell which is the pro-Trump engine? Then his state department went and did this. Seriously, we are pandering to such a degree to the big interests and powers that this present administration looks a lot like the administration in Charlize Theron’s Longshot. This is just getting stupid now.

Okay, I’m about to rant…

Look, we are supposed to be a country that is comfortable with disagreement–that wants to hear the other side, and make a need-based decision that is built up from shared interests yet allows us the independence to localize policy to fit our local demographic. That demographic shifts from place to place and shouldn’t be representative of all of America, because there IS NO all of America outside of the very idea of what we as a country are supposed to stand for. Even that has become highly divisive. Give us your tired and poor? Not so much for this iteration of the federal government. Most of it feels driven by fear–fear of racial dilution and an overt loss of the white majority. That is simply inevitable. Globally.

Deal with it. Accept that white is not the higher power and move towards a stance where equality is something we actually want or define class and social stratification by a different medium than the color of your skin. That starts by establish beauty by different standards than the color of your skin and length and texture of your hair. Once we start down that road–which we have–the rest is inevitable.

What we are witnessing is the blowback to the reality of the inevitable. The old and the power rich are realizing that their grip is slipping, and nobody wants to let power go. Those who felt they could one day become powerful are recognizing that this dream is not so much inevitable as it is improbable and that too is hard to accept. This is what change looks like. This is what blowback to that change looks like.

We need to start growing up fast as a nation before we make such a mess that we cannot clean up.

Madden has me wanting the Bills to move to Brooklyn.

According to the simulation it seems to be the only way Barkley stays in the city beyond his rookie deal. I’ve learned a great deal about the financial side through Madden-inspired research. The game pays attention to contracts though the algorithm suggests players generally want a lot more than they are worth and remain surprisingly finicky. My situation became difficult when I found that I had two x-factor QBs who were both due big money contracts. I signed both, but later tried to trade the 91, because I thought I could grow the backup and reap rewards for the starter in free agency. It turns out I destroyed my cap beyond all recognition and was unable to sign any of my starters who were up for big deals due to the trade. Still working my way out of that one.

I play the Bulls, which is to say I play with a Bills team that I moved to Brooklyn and traded damn near everybody in order to build from the ground up. It feels good to have done so. I don’t particularly care for the Bills, but I enjoy competing in the underrated AFC East. Here’s something to consider: If the AFC East is so bad then why is it that the top team has been in most of the Superbowls over the last decade?

Exactly. Perhaps the division is good and also seen as not as good because of the dominance of the Patriots. These are the things I’ve been considering. Still, I ought to be paying better attention to who is getting minutes and making rosters, because the fantasy draft draws nigh.

I get these emails from Chris Barnard, a trainer and (owner?) of Overtime Atheletes. He has a lot to say about a lot, and occasionally his words hit me in a personal way. Today he wrote about a football player named Ronald Ollie who lost his job recently. He wrote, “…But him getting cut made me think about how all people (athletes, businessmen, moms) have a comfort zone. And when they get too far out of that comfort zone, they sometimes sabotage themselves. In Ronald Ollie’s case, he achieved a level of success that was uncomfortable for him… In turn, He stopped working, Let a small injury get in the way of him participating in training camp, And as a result, he got the boot.”

That right there defines my football career. In a more meaningful way, that defines my life. I have troubles with the spotlight, though it feels as though I actively seek it. Once I get to a level of discomfort with my success I stop working–be it football or writing or even relationships. It is in a sense a fear of doing well of having it all and having to watch it all be taken from me. As a result I tend to snatch it from myself. I’m my own soup nazi. I will not effort to go into the details of how to fix this malady, because I don’t have clear or precise instructions. What I will say is that awareness is part of the game. Knowing the problem helps to solve it.

Some Thoughts:

1. Back on routine of writing in the morning. I’m getting better at sliding into a routine reflective of the work situation. In the summer I don’t have a lot I am responsible for on a day to day basis and that makes me incredibly lazy. When I have a lot going on it forces me to plan my time appropriately.
2. As I wait for power to be run to my Shed/writing lair I continue to plan and design the lair. It is going to be the highpoint of coolness, but in the meanwhile it is just hot. So, I am searching for a temporary solar solution to some of these issues. Perhaps a solar fan or some such thing to drop the temp down from the 111-120 I’ve been dealing with. Those are not indoor working conditions.

I’ve discovered that ambition–true lasting ambition–is rare. By that I mean that most people want a job and a life that is simple and routine. There is rarely a desire for more in the faces of my students. Even in terms of the rappers I hear out in the world that ‘ambition’ amounts to little more than copycat excursions towards a life that has a lot of stuff in it but no deeper purpose. I have yet to define what ambition is. Like grit it defies traditional definition but we all sense it when we see it and I, frankly, do not see it enough.

Why does any of this matter? Because I feel like we are continuing to slip into a hive mentality in our nation. We have far too many worker bees and far too few free thinkers and people designed to develop drastic change. We are, in my opinion, a country heading towards a decline and we are running out of ways to still go up intellectually.

How this happened hasn’t fully coalesced in my understanding. What I have discovered through working at a community college is that for most ambition is overrated. Most students have goals best associated with what I describe as low hanging fruit. I am surrounded by a horde of nurses and not one has announced an interest in being a doctor. They are all about short cuts and following orders and getting paid as fast as possible… but to what end? So you can take that vacation and snap photos of yourself on some foreign beach?

I feel this more and more on the days I play the cyclical Madden 20. I’m going nowhere in that game, and yet I enjoy it. I feel many model such lives. I feel that many more think that this is ordinary or at the least okay. Maybe it is okay for most, but without the drivers to lead us into a better tomorrow, we will always remain slaves of a system whose biproduct is the very lack of ambition I am railing against.

Still, I have no notion of what to do about it.

So, I forgot to blog earlier today, which led to me sitting here in bed trying to steal away ten minutes from an otherwise nice evening. That is not to say I do not love the words, but instead to say that the words have their time as do other facets of the life. In truth I am in that lull between projects that I pretend to use for recharge but actually likely use as a moment to be without responsibility. Being responsible for stuff is a burden I take seriously and deal with on a constant basis and sometimes it is nice not to be responsible and to just screw off without a care in the world.

Which is how we ended up here.

Still, it has been a very good Sunday and bodes for a very good week. I could have started it better–I did not–but I remain satisfied with my mindset leading into the last week before classes begin. I must say: I’m not ready for classes to start. I have many ideas left to incorporate and an entire ‘Lair’ to develop in order to have a place to hide out and work.

Perhaps tomorrow I will continue construction of the lair and get myself read for the coming storm.