Yeah. I didn’t hit the publish button yesterday. That, friends and fellow writers, is the definition of failure mode. At some point it becomes clear that on some level of the fail you are in fact self sabotaging–either as a result of fear of failure or fear of success. They are very different fears but both arise from the root cause/question of ‘am I actually built for this?’
What does it mean to be ‘built for this?’ I’m not entirely sure about that. I know that when I was forty years younger writing was a gift. I would sit and write for hours, pleased to do so–even though I had video games and other possible distractions. I chose writing over other things. I decided that it was the most important thing despite the fact that I was told by my mother that I possessed zero talent and needed to A) continue acting and B) prepare myself for life as a trash man where I could reap the benefits of government work. Built for this means that you are going to sit in a spot for a few hours (longer than this ten minute rule) and write no matter what. You are going to dedicate yourself to the cause daily and when the words don’t come you’re going to sit it out anyway. It means that you are going to put yourself out there. You are going to show people what you have to say, regardless of how that work–that message–is received. It means you have a message to share/somethign to say, even if you don’t know what that is. Perhaps the not knowing is where the cracks first start to show.
What if I don’t have anything to say? What if I am not good enough? What if I can’t find the time? What if…?
These are valid and true concerns for writers. All of us experience doubt. Not all of us handle it the same way or even well. I am a patchwork of successes and failures. I am often a sham of confidence. All of that builds up to me stalling and stalling until I am hours away from a deadline and then, hopefully, pumping out what passes asa. draft. That does, on the most basic level, define me as a bad (form) writer. Yet it also defines me as a writer. In other words, it doesn’t matter if I am built for it or not. I’m here. I’m doing it. Now I need to keep doing it and believe in my ability. This is how I talk myself out of failure mode–by trusting the process. Heck, maybe it is time I invented a better process to help minimize failure mode entirely.