I think I named the thing wrong. It should really be a post about dopamine and winning and losing and feeling like you are going to be losing forever. I feel like that, on occasion. I think it is a standing feeling for people of the video game generations. I think it has a lot to do with expecting rewards to come quickly or at all. It feels like a sharp contrast to being a writer where the reward of completion is constantly so very very far away. So, today I had two goals: Win a round of Apex and Finish a Chapter. I really felt the first one was low hanging fruit, but it proved tantalizingly difficult for most of the evening until right up until this blog. The reward hit of dopamine however was so low that I barely felt it coursing through my system.
The second part didn’t happen. I’m looking at it now on a second screen and lamenting my inability to get it done. Some chapters are a lot tougher to get through, and the dopamine reward for completion ought to be higher. I haven’t experienced that higher reward, but I will say moving through the tough ones make the easier ones just fly. That is a reward in of itself… one I have not earned because I am still staring at these unfinished pages.
I love writing. Hard but gratifying stuff right here.