It is weird to get old.
I am, finally, resolved to the fact that I will one day cease to exist. What that means is truly beyond my understanding. In my mind it means that I have these moments and memories that I collect and one day I’ll complete my collection. So, for me the goal is to have as many wonderful moments as I can throughout. I don’t live for the afterlife. I live for what is in my grasp. I live for the love I feel for the people around me and the hope of what growth they can obtain. I guess that is why some of my kids so deeply frustrate me. I never expected to see them top out so early and at a level that I don’t personally approve of. However, though their lives entwine with mine deeply, theirs is not mine. Instead I am blessed with opportunity and possibility–even just shy of 50 years in.
I am happy. I am growing and trying very hard to be someone who is a creator and who is reliable and yet remains a kid at heart. I am also someone who is deciding on a place to finally nest. By nest I mean to hatch this new future of a 50+ year old. Oddly, I’ve been drawn to Texas. I think there are spaces there that exist that are inexpensive and create the opportunity to go elsewhere very cheaply. This is a reality that must be further explored.