Sometimes the Lady Talis jokingly says, “Are you goign to go blog about it?” Her meaning is clear: I tend to work through my problems online. I especially deal with the fallout of divorce online, focusing on telling these tales through the blog as opposed to penning them into stories I will later publish. The blog feels immediate, and as such the things that bother me the most and are the most present in my mind space wind up here. Over the last few months I’ve been dealing with complacency and failure and doubt and gluttony on a level I’ve previously never faced. I’m living life like this is it–like the end is here and I’ve made it as high as I can.
But I haven’t.
Every night before I go to bed I think about that parable of the Eagles and the pigeons. I think about the idea that if an eagle sees another bird where it is at then it knows it is another eagle. Then I realize how many of the people in my life are not eagles and I wonder if I am a pigeon who thinks he is an eagle. Self doubt can creep into your heart at any moment. Self doubt can kill you.
I learned today about a kid I knew –who used to hang out with my daughter–who hung himself. My first thought was: he didn’t think he could go any higher. He thought where he was was all he could ever achieve and that must’ve fallen apart. Turns out it did. Turns out he didn’t think he had more in him. Believing there is more is how we achieve. Believing we can be better everyday is the start, but doing more every day–doing something every day is the key to building a successful life.
The truth is I’ve been biding time and falling into a pit of sameness, letting the world wash over me and not doing enough to control my own life. I decided days ago that today would be day 1. It has been a decent day; a productive day, but I have so much more in me.
The truth is sometimes we don’t have a choice. The people who are around us are not going to be who we want. They are not going to love us the way we need. They are not going to respect us the way we expect. They are not going to make more of their lives than they want to in the way that they want. That isn’t our fault. How much of our heart, time, and energy we give to them IS our fault and our responsibility to take control of that and create in ourselves opportunities to feel good about ourselves and live our lives in spite of what is around us.
But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.
Maya said it best right there. We all need to find a way to sing and to shout and to be who we intend to be. We all need to find a way to set our intentions in the storm. We all need to find a way to be ourselves and make the best selves possible in spite of the odds and in spite of the obstructions.
We all deserve to fly to our own heights.
Me, I’m a damn Eagle.