I’m turning back to 4.451, which happened four years ago in September of 2020. There is a strange bit of kismet in this particular post. Here is a quote:
I’m not in the mindset of knowing what I want beyond the clearest and most simple of moments. I want to curl up with my partner. I want to watch the Chiefs v. Ravens. I want to get the things done I need to get done. I don’t want to sleep. I don’t have a clue what to eat, so as a result I don’t want to eat. I’m not playing video games because I feel like that is time I should be doing other stuff.
The Chiefs and Ravens face off again this week. I have gone from not playing games to spending a weekend doing nothing but playing games. I personally shifted away from the action and active goals of the past few months towards a standard position of sloth–perhaps inspired by the lack of energy around me. I have to say that the Lady Talis has been a candle in this fresh darkness. She is all about action and projects and finding ways to do things that are not leisure. For whatever reason, by engine isn’t turning over like that. Instead I am up at 4:51 AM, restless and trying to understand what to do in order to get myself going and make sure success is the foremost in my actions.
Some weeks you come into it feeling like the world is going to open doors for you. Others you feel like the world wants to catch you in an alley and rough you up.
I don’t know which one is happening this week. I know that this Turnback Tuesday is my start of a terribly short week in which I am dealing with a family birthday, a football game, a college kid’s wish to make it on a plane for traveling to his first away college game. I’m feeling physically down–fatter than I have in weeks. I am feeling mentally lost and either unable or unwilling to find my way out of it. I cannot say what it is that has me so jacked and off, but I need to find personal solutions. It isn’t the world closing the doors for me so much as me walking into the back of them.
I’ve been blessed with opportunities. I need to take control of them.