Another weekend of chasing and observing.
I’ve yet to find better brief language to describe the above. It means I spent the weekend watching my boys live their lives and chasing the feeling of belonging and place I once held when I was with them. Roles are meant to change as we age. Kids are supposed to grow up and not be the constant. I have dissonance there as my 3 birth kids are gone and living their lives and the other two boys are still here with us and integrated in my daily life. It feels like it should be one way or the other with all of them and since it isn’t it feels like I’m frozen on one side of the window watching the rest of them move through life while I am stuck in the never ending moment. It only feels like that when I am in town. On the summer jaunts it feels entirely different; like a life that has been waiting to unfurl its wings and fly. It feels good, free, and like anything could be possible.
Anything can and always will be possible so long as you open your mind to doing what is different; so long as I allow myself the freedom to change. That is what I get so worked up about in the stillness and stagnancy of this place. There is no change. It is an old machine wearing down as we all grow older within it. When I moved to this place over twenty years ago I never thought it would be this. It was burgeoning; a sprawl seeking out the edges of what was possible. It was fertile ground where people could take root and grow their lives. Now it feels nothing like that. It feels trite and old and as though the edges of the sprawl are collapsing upon themselves. It feels like a single image played out over and over again, stretched and recolored so you think you’re perceiving movement and difference but in reality it is the same old thing no matter where you look.
Some Thoughts:
- At least I am creative in my depictions of stagnation. That’s gotta be worth something.
- I want my happiness back. I see it from time to time. Touch it even. It remains ethereal more often than not while I am here. There are a ton of reasons for that. I’ve only touched on a few.
- Yet in spite of it all, I still have no actual reason to be unhappy.