In the midst of a uproarious conference on Learning Communities a session leader turned to a small group of us and requested we write (however briefly) about a memorable time we gave or received an act of compassion. I giggled at first, remembering that I’d recently evaluated a faculty member at my own college who offered this same assignment to her Developmental English students with mixed results. Then are started considering the idea of compassion itself. Then I decided that 10 minutes would be just enough time to explain why compassion can be both incredibly helpful and equally destructive.
The first act of compassion I can remember dates back in the early 80’s. Growing up as a New Yorker we are taught to have very specific feelings about the homeless. In Harlem you were meant to feel little pity for them, other than to assume that they were crazy and that in of itself deserved the most basic level of pity, but not so much that you actually gave them money, because to do so would have the same affect as would feeding a stray cat.
Lets just say I’m a cat person.
There was a homeless man who squatted between a church and an abandoned brownstone several blocks from my home. I never had much cash, and the cash I did have usually went to Lemonheads and Gobstoppers. However, one birthday I found myself especially flush and decided to put some of that blood-earned capital to good use. I gave the man ten dollars. This is, to nine-year-old boy in the 80’s, an absolute fortune. I felt like it was the right thing to do and I felt the better human for doing it. This feeling faded a day later when I saw that same man with a bottle of whiskey drinking himself into further oblivion. My mother didn’t have to say I told you so. I knew I contributed to his delinquency. I knew the guy bought that booze with my money and the result of that was me being broke and him being drunk.
It took a long time for me to be compassionate to anyone on that level. I measured their situation and considered whether my help was help at all or further enablement of negative behaviors. In fact it took me a long time to recognize that compassion is not about what people do with what you give, but the act of giving itself. Compassion is personal and healthy. It is the opportunity to give of yourself and reflect on how you feel about you after the giving.