Its been said before, but when people ask you ‘how are you feeling?’ I don’t think they really want an answer. They’re looking for platitudes. I’m fine. I’m doing well, and you? But if you step outside of the realm of acceptable answer to this social formality, the formality aspect of it begins to emerge more clearly.
“How are you?”
“I’m at peace with the universe.”
“Huh?”
“How are you?”
“I’m contemplating suicide.”
“Ummm… What?”
“How are you?”
“After that rape last night? Great!”
“…”
While these represent extreme cases, even the mildest of deviation can trigger confusion, as though both parties were reading from a script and someone screwed it up.
“How are you?”
“I’m straight up frisky.”
“Wait, what?”
“How are you?”
“I’m like a two today.”
“Wow, that’s too bad. Well, bye!” (avoids eye contact and scurries off)
As in the latter case, an indication that the asked party is not doing well can create social tension. Odds are you don’t neccesarily want to talk to a person and even moreso don’t want to be the shoulder to be cried on or ear to be lent. However, once the bad news is proffered one can’t help but feel trapped in what is likely to be a lengthy and emotional conversation. It is as if the social contract was not recognized as a mere formality and nicety but instead a genuine invitation to air one’s grievances against the world.
This, therefore, is the problem with how are you.
We need a new form of greeting that shows a clear dividing line between creating small talk and social niceness and actually wanting the answer to a question. Some of this division is mitigated by tone and body language. If someone asks you how you are and then say, turns away from you and walks into their office, they clearly couldn’t care less about how you really are. If they appear to be listening intently, they might be really good about the social cues and structures or they might actually care. It is hard to tell. I suggest a change of language. Perhaps say something along the line of, ‘how are things going in your life right now?’ Give that strong indicator that a genuine response is welcome.
Thus ends my lesson for the day.