Thich Nhat Hang writes, “Hope is important, because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.” I find truth in his words, but I also find several questions. What happens in the absence of hope? Why can’t we make today better? These are fundamental questions to my life. I am a man who carries a lot inside. Eventually it spills on to the page in some manner. If it does not then it chokes me until I become less of who I am–I burn away more of that connection to what makes me a person. I have struggled lately with watching myself erode and not taking care of myself or even thinking to create conditions that will make me better equipped to bear hardship. Instead I eat it all.
Then I vomit it all out all over my partner.
That makes me a bad person more times than not. So, I need to find a better way. I need to treat the people around me better. I need to deal with my shit better, and I need to embrace this idea of hope in a realistic way.
There are so many good things in my life–my partner, my writing, my kids, not being homeless, the freedom to vacation, a job I truly enjoy. Those alone constitute a life worth bearing the the hard times for. Each alone is enough to create a life around. I need to be thankful for who I am and more importantly, who I have around me–and who they have around themas opposed to spending so much time worrying about who is thankful for me.