I am beginning to sink into a sad sensation of loss. I am experiencing heightened Blood Pressure far beyond what I should be experiencing given the medication I am taking. I am controlling it in the sense that I am keeping it within 7 points of 150/100 in either direction. This is not at all a healthy situation, and I think I might be dead within the year. This isn’t a comfortable thought, but as I expressed before, I am sinking into a sad sensation of loss. The basics are this: My heart is not functioning normally. I expect to go back to my doctor this week, and be told to up my meds, because my doctor is actually a NA, who sees me because the doctor is too busy. So, I intend to argue for a referral to a heart specialist, and if they refuse I will pay the tab myself. This is preferable to surrendering to death without a fight. The people in my life who care enough about me for it to matter deserve a fight. What’s crazy is me suddenly realizing how small that circle actually is.
I’m not talking about mourners. The world is filled with mourners. I’m talking about the four or so people who would be genuinely hurt by my passing. This is limited to my partner, probably two of my five boys, and maybe the daughter. I say maybe for her, because I know she cares but I also know I’m not a part of her largely insular life. I’m part of that fringe bit that represents family, but not part of her two people. I accept that. I accept that my circle is likely three of any real impact and I am okay with that. I am not okay with abandoning those three so suddenly.
It is an awful thing to have to rationalize and consider such things so young in life, but here I am. At least for now.