I decided to turn all the way back to 2.28, and thoughts about parenting. The post centered on this idea of structure and discipline following a pointless argument about Minecraft. Mind you I was only three kids deep at this point. The other three were adjacent but not yet mine–though to hear it from my partner, I am responsible for the path they’ve taken till now. What I can say is true is that the issues I saw then have not gone away and have multiplied with the addition of kids and especially of older kids who don’t listen to or respect me. The issue, as I see it, is how one structures their life.
Structures are hugely important and determinant of ones path forward. If your day starts with an hour or more of useless YouTube videos, slides into an hour or more of video games, back to YouTube, back to games, break for meal, and repeat, then that is a structure. It is not one that is designed to move you towards anything more than what presently exists in your life, because there is no room for that. This is perhaps why I chafe at that specific structure that has been adopted by so many of my kids. I also work really hard to rationalize and forgive it, in order to find a way to accept it as Their Way. However, it is not, IMHO, The Way.
My way is in flux. I’m dealing with a lot, obviously, but I do feel that I need to adjust my structure to something more conducive to what my partner and I both want and feel is good for us. As opposed to good for me or good for her solely. There is a lot of emotion tied to this conversation, and it is one that is made easier on vacation, because vacations tend to narrow what one considers in terms of importance and limits interactions outside of our specific pairing. Home isn’t that. So, home isn’t great.
What I want is to find a way to be healthier and not need to worry about heart stuff all the time. I want to be able to occasionally splurge on a nice meal and not worry I’ll die as a result. I want to feel I can say how I feel about things without absolutely destroying everything around me. That last aside probably needs more explanation, but there isn’t time for that here.
Some Thoughts:
- The on field incident in the game last night was a scary and sad. To see someone have a cardiac incident so publicly is a dark reminder of how we need to be monitoring ourselves constantly–no matter what shape we think we are in.