10 Minute Rule

Sitting in front of the classroom before the start of class I feel on the verge. I spend a great deal of time riding that verge tipped towards good or bad or something very different–evolution perhaps. I am unhappy, which is becoming more seriously obvious to the world around me. I can mask it behind some of the more mundane maladies in my life–Trump, too much grading, overworked and stressed–but the core reasons are more about where my life is and going. The answer is, sadly, nowhere.

I’m stalled out.

I find myself trudging along quite undramatically and watching the things that ought to form the core of what matters to me start to form cores of their own without me and I, no longer essential, remain a part of things–vestigial.

This is not the entire reality, but it is the piece of it I most recognize and identify with right now. I’m considering closing these things out–separating from what matters to me and accepting that I don’t get to have any of that and trying to find something–anything I do get to have. Of course, there is no proof I get to have anything. That isn’t how life works. We are promised nothing, but we are given a series of chances to get to that personally ideal life. Often we don’t make it.

I didn’t.

So now unto the next part–living in the remains of what could have been.

Family section seats for the Giants vs. Cardinals football game are ringing in at $130 a pop right now. If I act fast I can buy a set of 4 and only spend $520 + tax to watch the Giants lose. I think I’m going to save that money for a VR rig. At least in virtual space things aren’t destined to go horribly and repeatedly wrong. Having a VR rig and an Oasis-style experience is on my bucket list. The more I move through life, the more I collect a list of things that I would love to do before I cannot. Here are a few.

Tour Japan 
I love the idea of Japan. Everything about the great sprawling cities and the mountains and the valleys calls out to me. It may be the place I’ve always been writing my fiction about and never known.

Leap from a Plane
Skydiving is crazy and stupid and beautiful. I want to leap from a plane, feel my tummy drop, and experience that ridiculous free fall. I want to experience the curve of the earth as I rush towards it, and then gracefully float to a stop.

Drive on the Autobahn
No speed limit is a sick concept, and while I am not ready for that level of driving, I have always felt that this is one of those experiences that I could fall into. However, it will require a fair degree of training, which leads me to…

Learn how to drive a Speedster
I live remarkably close to the Bondurant Racing Academy. I ought to take advantage of that closeness by crossing off this major bucket list item before I move away. I want to learn how to race the fast cars.

Supe up a Car
Sensing a trend? I drive a little box of a 4 cylinder car. I wish it was 6 and had juice. I would love to supe it up and give it to the kids once they’re ready to drive such a beast.

Propose on the Great Wall
The Great Wall of China is 13,000 miles long. I want to walk a section with the love of my life and, upon one knee, offer my hand and heart in marriage. Seems like the place such a thing ought to be properly done.

According to Maslow, I’m in a pretty great spot. His hierarchy of needs charts the needs of humans from the basic function through their highest level–that of self-actualization. Here’s a detailed look at his theory.

 

So here I am locked and loaded on the first one. The second one is largely handled, though the glaring uncertainty of where I will live post May does linger. Love and Belonging is where I start to show cracks.

In terms of love, I have never and will never be more deeply and fully in love with someone than I am now. That translates to a special level of intimacy that, frankly, isn’t the business of readers. The love of my life is my best friend and my confidant and someone I consider to be my partner. My other friendships are extremely few and beat up. I am not a great friend to the two close friends that I also consider family. Friendships beyond that have always been fly by night and generally tenuous and, sadly, rooted in common activity, interests, or one’s sexual desire for the other party. So I don’t have a depth of friendships or any real family short of my own children, which is why things are breaking down there.

The fracture widens to a chasm when it comes to esteem. I used to be the most confident human being on the planet, but a series of setbacks–especially in terms of love and trust (both personally and professionally) led to a level of self doubt that triggered real concerns here. Let’s be real though: my achievements are legit. I’ve done some great stuff so far. Unfortunately that has not consistently led to respect by others, which has really destroyed my ability to respect people I thought I did and would. Beyond that the desire to get married met with the knowledge that this is not going to happen is a knife wound to the self-esteem. As I was taking my second consecutive morning walk I was processing these things in the framework of what is most important in my life–the very idea of hierarchy that led to this blog.

So, what lies above the fracture? Self-actualization. If I am to get back to the top of the pyramid I need to find a certain peace with the facts of life–acceptance of the things I cannot change. I have to find another outlet for these feelings and needs that aren’t being addressed. So, that is where I am at. Just trying to get back to that place at the top.

 

I almost didn’t write today.

I left the house in a minor rush and discombobulated. I never paused to complete my morning ritual. There was call. There was coffee (kind of, because the boys spilled it) and then the writing was overlooked. Story of my life in a sense. This thing that is central to my identity and my soul is the thing that is overlooked most of all. I call that poor prioritization.

Here is something else I’ve noticed: I don’t ever put me first. When I try to I don’t even know what that means–I don’t know what I want outside of my partner, my kids, and a place that feels like mine. Health ought to be high on that list. It isn’t. It won’t be until I find a routine that demands I consider my health an asset and a necessary part of my continued existence. When the physical therapist exposed some key points of body weakness it did not convince me at all to start working out. In fact it only swam around in my thoughts for a little while before dipping back down into the deep end of the backburner. What’s on the front? Whatever crosses my cheek, I suppose. Lately that has been football. In fact, I almost paused my writing just now to look up a coaching video. Assume that I will look it up after I post.

I’ll be posting pretty soon here, because ten has trickled down to less than one and the end is nigh.

Some Thoughts:

1. Game Two of the Youth season is tomorrow. It is a big game for my team because we had a tough week and a tough loss. We could use the confidence builder win. I am sure our opponents feel the same way.

I did not write a Waiver Wednesday, because I was still dealing with a lot of disappointment surrounding my own behavior and a lot of resignation regarding how small people are and how attached to things that I do not see holding quite the value they do. I believe I was also upset because those things were slowly starting to hold value to me as well, despite understanding how meaningless they are. It comes back to this: For some people, you gotta stand for something and gotta represent something and take pride in it. We choose what we choose. I have not entirely chosen. I thought it was writing, but I’ve been so wrapped up in the nonsense of Youth Football that it started to become that. For some people it’s real football. This blog is for them.

I am predicting a Giants win here and now. I believe Eli finally had a moment where he recognized what he has to do in order to be successful. I question whether he still has the confidence and accuracy to do it. I found that in week 3 he displayed both for a very small window–roughly a minute. Before the Linebackers scared him so. I suspect with the TB Linebackers not at 100% Eli will have a day.

Now I want to shift gears to Deshaun Watson. The kid is making me a Texans fan. His college coach called him a Jordan-like talent on and off the field. He showed that by donating his first game check to members of the kitchen staff at NRG stadium who’d lost their homes in the storm. Funny that we chide atheletes for making so much money but don’t chide businessmen for making serious buck. Funny how an athlete will donate 1/16th of his salary to help people and we still call them selfish. Watson is not selfish. In truth the majority of NFL athletes do outreach and community service at some level and the ones at the top of the payscale do even more. Honestly, this IS an argument about race and it IS being pushed in that direction by the President. Nobody ever asks how the white players spend their buck. The focus remains on the black athletes who ‘should be grateful.’

Enough of that for now. Time for…

Some Thoughts:

1. 90 days since I started writing and the quitting reason is still a fresh wound. I write for love and write for those I love. I write because in that space of writing there is a trust and openness that only exists in love and in letter. That connection felt broken, and though mended there are days where hurt strains the cord.
2. It finally occurred to me that the music used in the trailer for Ready Player One is a clear riff on Willy Wonka. That makes a ton of sense. Well played.

I’ve found myself really quick to anger lately in a way that I have not been since I was a little kid. In trying to understand where all of that comes from I keep returning to the same concept: Disrespect. Apparently my tolerance for disrespect is at an end. Yesterday I was disrespected on three separate occasions–each occasion coming when I was in a position of authority.

Quiet leadership is how I brought myself up to behave. Speak softly and carry a big stick. I prefer to cultivate relationships rather than humiliate and threaten. I want players to play for themselves and each other first, but if their going to play ‘for me’ then it should be from a place of respect. “I’m on your case, because I care what happens to you.” is preferable to “I’m on your case so you don’t screw this up for me.” That latter one is about ego, and the only ego I have in the game is about the respect I’m given from those in my charge and those around me. Once that goes, apparently I go nuclear.

The first instance of yesterday happened early in the day. I was teaching class and a group of kids were talking–one with headphones in his ears. I asked them to stop. Three times. The fourth time I loudly told them to, ‘shut up.’ That did it. They stopped and were completely apologetic about the situation. In other words, they started being respectful. I cannot act like that all the time. It should never even need to get to that point, but it did. Then it almost did again later that day.

I was co-teaching with my partner and a kid was behaving quite manically, taking control of the tech and completely disregarding everything I said by way of instruction and redirection. Basically she was pressing buttons and changing functions of the room’s computer system without any real sense of what the setup was supposed to be. I finally just stepped in and explained I was going to take it from here. I was already angry because I’d tried to do the same thing nicely twice before and been completely blown off. Now this is not my student and I don’t know her or what her situation is. Honestly, she seemed to be a special needs student and I was really tiptoeing around the situation because of that. Once my co-teacher came over and we tried to discuss things the student hopped right back in and tried again to explain to us how to use our own equipment. Fortunately her teacher stepped in and handled the conversation, because at that point I was past done. I didn’t blow but I was ready. Later I would.

That night I was coaching. We were holding a scrimmage against another team and trying some new things on both sides of the ball. The head coach of another team, who happens to be the president of the organization, decided he didn’t like what he was seeing. He blew his whistle, huddled up my team, and publicly berated them. That was too far. I tried to sidebar him and explain that he was undermining me. He didn’t take that well and started to berate me. I finally snapped. I cursed at him and started yelling. We got in each other’s face and for a moment I was expecting it to come to blows. I’ve long seen the man’s disrespect for me and tolerated it. No more. I’d had enough.

I don’t believe I acted appropriately on the field. I am clearly the bigger man in that situation, because I wouldn’t have ever done that to another coach on his field. Still, I wasn’t the bigger man that night by responding the way that I did. I’m better than that and I wasn’t. That is something for me to correct moving forward.

 

Coffee, Call, Write.

Some things just make sense. Others need more thinking through. Yesterday I was in a make sense situation that has developed into a bit of a think through. Here’s the situation:

I’ve been having a lot of back pain. This is not to the level it was when I threw out my back a few years ago, but the pain has been intense off and on for weeks. At the worst of it there were simple movements–twists–I just could not do without collapsing.  Make no mistake, in this situation the smart move is to go to a doctor. I did not do the smart thing. Instead I walked around like this until the pain subsided. Mostly subsided.

My partner is a relentless and wonderful human being who cares about my health a great deal. I suppose she wants me around a bit longer or at least for the time I’m here to be as pain free as possible. She convinced me to go to a physical therapist. I did. Eventually. What he told me was riddled with surprises. I knew that my core was weak. My expanding girth is surely proof of such. I did not know about the uneven muscle weakness in my legs and glutes. I really did not know that my horrible back pain was actually a muscle pain unrelated to the previous back stuff I’d dealt with. So, I was enlightened by the experience.

The bill was an enlightening experience all by itself, which brings us to the thinking through. Now that I know exactly where the issues are, should I pay the $75 a week to work with the trainer or should I keep my finances stable and find ways to stretch and strengthen with the help of books and friends (and books are my friends too)? I believe I should not go back. The cost of this stuff is prohibitive. While it is true that my life is worth a certain cost, I don’t think not returning risks my life. I think I’ll focus on staying put and saving my cash.

I have three hungry boys after all.

Following week one of youth football two things are clear. To begin, I need to find a lot more balance in my life.

I woke up at 3 in the morning on a Saturday to get ready for youth football. I wasn’t excited–I was overwhelmed. I was worried about all of the little things I needed to get right and ready in preparation for the game and I missed a few things still. As a result of all this I spent the day strung out–a condition that worsened as we went from a loss to a second game blowout (proof that good players and coaching yield success) to a 3rd game loss (proof that size matters and we need to learn how to compensate for what we do not have). I was strung out and sad and missing my partner. What sucked even more is that instead of calling her when I had a moment, I texted and missed a really valuable opportunity to connect.

I have to learn to pick my spots. I have to learn to step away and do what matters. This is a very tough lesson because it blows contradictory to the winds of what everyone around me in these situations is demanding. I need to fight harder against the gale and hold on dearly to what matters most.

In game terms I probably needed another week of game prep personally. In addition I need to create more opportunities to get the ball to receivers in space and build those opportunities around a lot of this very useful misdirection. I wasted my 4 backs in the I formation, meaning week 2 needs to see me moving the ball around in a lot of screens and quick passes which will eventually lead to some shots downfield once my QB is ready to do so. Here’s the new plan for me: compartmentalization. I shied away from that, mostly because it felt like such things were fueling relationship problems. I need to recognize that while this is real it is more how I carry it out that causes problems.

I woke up at three in the morning–the witching hour for many–and found myself applying helmet decals and trying to be ready for a week one game I was absolutely not ready for. By not ready I mean I didn’t have any real sense of who my opponent was (true again next week) and who my team was going to be. I have a better sense of the latter now, because we lost a game that should’ve been a straight up blowout.

We played like we were scared and didn’t know what we were doing and in the later minutes forgot how to act. The game was 7-6 going into the 4th and we lost 21 six on three big plays. It wasn’t like we couldn’t win. We could. Even down our star RB we could’ve won. I think we should have.

I think I worked too hard and not at all hard enough. In other words I worked on the wrong stuff and now that I know what needs to be done, I can do that as well. It is a lot to explain and frankly another post entirely. For now…

 

Some Thoughts:

1. I continue to believe the universe is putting me in situations just to see what I’ll do. In layman’s terms, the universe is fucking with me.