Author: admin

Here is a terrible truth I’ve learned about myself: I am influenced by the people around me. It doesn’t matter if they are peers, seniors, or kids. The overwhelming preponderance of a vibe will impact my vibe. This is why the number of people without ambition in my life and in my home scares me. When surrounded by people without ambition it is harder to maintain ambition. In truth, having ambition makes you the outsider and makes it so that your ambition is a hinderance to the lifestyle being led because you are not comfortable with the status quo or the simplicity of the lives swirling around you.

I am struggling greatly with this in my life. I come from a place where everyone around me was grinding. I went from that to a university setting where everyone around me was grinding and I had to grind even harder just to keep up. I went from that to a writing program where everyone was creative and every writer was putting out amazing work and I had to get better just to keep up. I went from that to being a new dad in a new city fighting for a chance to earn a job at a college. I went from that to being the young gun professor at a community college trying to make a name for myself and establish an identity around all of these seasoned professors who’d carved out their spot and name and following. I went from that to switching jobs to a new school where I had to do it all over again whilst (yeah, I used whilst, I’m that guy) raising kids, being a coach fighting for recognition and wins, competing to earn the right to write a novel for an established company, etc.

I went from that to living in a space where the key goal is to work as little as possible and spend as much time as possible in front of a screen either gaming or watching and having no desire to create anything or to do anything that breaks the routine of sameness. Nobody is pushing me to be a better writer. As much as the Lady Talis tries to fill that role, it can only come from within the writing community. I need ambition around me. I need to feel that desire to be more or I become less. I don’t have it in my life at present. I don’t really even know where to find it. I have not cultivated it enough in my own children. I see sparks in a few, but the overwhelming reality is the environment dictates my life and the environment degrades me. Sometimes it takes being away from all of it to see it for what it is.

Trying to find my way into Zen after a 3AM wake up and seeing the lady Talis depart for parts known for longer than I care to consider. Imma be okay. I will be throwing myself into my work in lieu of sleep, which is a common refrain in times like these. I’ve grown out of being able to sleep well without my better half. It is something I feel deeply. It is also something I cannot dwell on because I cannot do anything about it. I am trying to find/discover a sense of serenity and focus. I am trying to discover a way to accept the things I cannot change so that I can focus on the things I can. This comes largely as a result of the awareness that as I age my body is degrading at a faster curve than previously expected. I am doing almost nothing to slow the decline and that is a problem.

Even cognitively I question if I am as strong and sharp as I was ten years ago. That is perhaps worse than the physical decline. I don’t want to lose what makes me me, and the mind is that. So, I gotta go to work on getting right and in shape and on track. Honestly, this is probably just a dip, but I cannot allow myself to think that way or that dip becomes a depression becomes the hole I fall into and never return.

I think I named the thing wrong. It should really be a post about dopamine and winning and losing and feeling like you are going to be losing forever. I feel like that, on occasion. I think it is a standing feeling for people of the video game generations. I think it has a lot to do with expecting rewards to come quickly or at all. It feels like a sharp contrast to being a writer where the reward of completion is constantly so very very far away. So, today I had two goals: Win a round of Apex and Finish a Chapter. I really felt the first one was low hanging fruit, but it proved tantalizingly difficult for most of the evening until right up until this blog. The reward hit of dopamine however was so low that I barely felt it coursing through my system.

The second part didn’t happen. I’m looking at it now on a second screen and lamenting my inability to get it done. Some chapters are a lot tougher to get through, and the dopamine reward for completion ought to be higher. I haven’t experienced that higher reward, but I will say moving through the tough ones make the easier ones just fly. That is a reward in of itself… one I have not earned because I am still staring at these unfinished pages.

I love writing. Hard but gratifying stuff right here.

Slow grind today.

I haven’t had it in me to be terribly productive. Butt is in chair and has been for hours. I got one project ticked off, but when I slid to the next one my productivity vanished. The movement between projects is always tough for me. It has a lot to do with gearing down and gearing back up. I shouldn’t have that problem here, because I was already spun up to do the work I am on right now. However, I find myself in a creative quandary. I think what I need to consider is the idea of being ready to roll into any of these projects. I wasn’t today and wound up flailing around until I decided I might as well write this blog.

The key to being successful on multiple projects is organization. I believe I always need to have something ready to go when I get in the chair. I am working to get better at having those things ready and to be able to roll right into whatever I need to–be it work or writing or whatever. I haven’t been so good at the organizing or the readiness. That’s coming.

Some Thoughts:

1. Mr. Ballen is a solid storyteller. It may be his voice, word choice or some combination of multiple factors, but he makes every story sound so damn interesting. That being said, I would rather watch him than listen to a podcast. There is no reason for this. All I can think is it is because I have grown used to the visuals I can look up and glance at as I continue to listen and type away on my computer as I am doing now.

It’s Friday and that means it is time to develop another Texan. The story I am writing takes place in Texas and involves a group of jurors. Each week I am trying to bring another one of these people to life. I don’t have a format or anything–I hope that develops along the way. I just want to connect to the character–introduce them to me.

Linda Anderson is a storyteller. At least, that is what she would say if asked. She shares tales of her small corner of Texas and it’s big football culture and, more interestingly, it’s superstitious lore. Linda is an influencer. She creates 45 second videos on her social media platform designed to give viewers a taste of Texas lore. At 19, she’s already been doing it for six years.. and has about twice as many real followers as that. Still, the work is her Gospel of sorts. It started right when she started high school. Young for high school, she found that she wasn’t really the type of girl that people noticed. She wasn’t the type of girl people picked on either. She was just there. Being there she heard all the whispers and rumors and stories about the dark history of her 30 year old school and about her town. She grew more and more interested in such things and in the structure of those things. As she continued to exist on the fringe of the culture she continued to listen and continued to discover her own place in things.

Linda is blonde, with pale skin for a Texan and sharp brown eyes. She keeps her hair long and straight, never one to go for the hairstlye of the moment. She’s thin, lacking the curves the boys want to talk about so much. Though not popular, she isn’t without her friends. She talks to people in all social circles, though not about her secret life as a superstition influencer. It isn’t so much as a secret as it–and she–is overlooked.

I’ve been really delinquent on work today. Taking a day off is often considered an important step in getting mentally clear and reloaded for improved productivity, so tomorrow I need to see that productivity. Facts being what they are, I have not. In truth I slacked this week, getting locked in on the in-class action and the summer trip and little else. I need to be getting stuff done and I am not. Tomorrow is supposed to be a turn into a weekend but it needs to be a turning point for me. I have to get right.

Some Thoughts:

1. Been reminded as of late of the incredibly ego and popularity based nature of 7 on 7 player recruitment. That sucks, because there is a team out there with incredible coaching that could really help out my kid. Too bad the squad ‘doesn’t have room’ for him. If the argument is talent, that’s fine. However, that is not the argument as I am hearing it.

Imagine being a 6A (highest division in AZ High) football team in a major competitive division and having to appoint your fifth coach in five years. This is the curse of Desert Vista. Over the time we’ve had kids in place the school has gone through a slew of coaching changes. Now we are on #5, the Freshman coach and holdover assistant coach from the past few regimes. And he’s only being given a 1 year interim tag as the school seeks a new AD (also a revolving door). We haven’t done a single thing to establish a culture in this school because not a single HC sticks around for it. They stay a year, take their losses, and leave for greener pastures. It reminds me of that epic moment in the Expanse novel series when the characters realize that the years spent terraforming Mars are going to waste because nobody wants to stay long enough to finish the project–because they’ve discovered other readily inhabitable planets.

We are Mars.

Mars needs Coaching.

What I worry about this situation is visibility. The key to recruitment is getting tape in the hands of coaches and getting coaches in the stands. He has the skills and can compete anywhere. He wants it pretty badly, but he is young and addicted to the games and the friends and the distractions overall. That being said, there are pros and cons to being on yet another HC. CON: nobody wants to come play for the school now. PRO: He has a better opportunity to be a starter as a result. He wants to stay a year and then figure it out. I support that. We will see what that year looks like.

I came across a film called I Origins which is directed by Max Cahill, who also directed Another Earth, which remains as one of my favorite films and stars one of my (lo-key) favorite actors Brit Marling. I love everything she’s done. It is the appropriate level of weird and trippy. I remain in on her work as well as that of her entire crew, which includes Cahill. Discovering that film reminded me of what I’ve been missing in cinema. I miss work that is interesting and new. I don’t get a lot of that as of late. I get marvelized cinema and bad cinema and good ideas done poorly. That last one is reflective of roughly half of Poker Face, which should be a solid show given the cast but only shines in moments.

I’m not sure what the above has to do with anything but it was on my mind, so I wrote it down. There’s more on my mind… below.

Some Thoughts:

1. Unintentional ASMR is deeply relaxing. At one point in my life I worked for the ISU Alumni group and was responsible for making calls. This is where I first truly rediscovered my love for ASMR without even knowing what it was. I’d known it as a child listening to Bob Ross and falling into a chillaxed stupor, but some of those Alumni calls zoned me so completely out that I was just like, ‘keep talking while my mind reels’. I hate that people try to turn it sexual. It isn’t about that for me, which is unfortunate because that is what it is about for a majority of creators. It means I have a hard time finding the ‘good good’. A Tinder Date with a sultry Vampire is not the good good. It is in fact the bad bad.
2. This is the Good Good. Respect to Bob Ross, this dude here is fire.

I want to continue my scheduling talk from yesterday, because I feel that there is more to be said on the subject. I decided to get ‘granular’ on the calendar as I slept, and the sub-mind came up with some thoughts. Primarily, the sub-mind came up with a different way of thinking. I started by adding travel time to the calendar. If you look at my responsibilities to people other than myself (which I mark in red on my calendar) you find that I have 3hrs of responsible time (75 x 2). If you add to that the travel time the full time moves to 4 hours. There are also office hours, which I have been thinking about the wrong way for years. Office hours are about where I have to be vs. what I need to be doing. In essence, it is a form of open time. I could be grading, I could be taking meetings with students (which happens more often than not this semester), I could be prepping future classes. All of these are things on my daily to-do, so blocking off these office hours as a thing unto themself is a mistake.

So we find ourselves back at 4 hours. That time is fixed. The block time I wish to devote to being available to the Lady Talis is fixed as well on certain days. However, that time isn’t entirely accounted for, so perhaps some other things should be allowed for in that nightly space. Perhaps I should give space for blips–30 minute or less activities (one or even two) during the evening that make sense as cooperative affairs or to be done when she takes her own time during that block.

In other words, I do have time for accomplishing all things, but I need to consider looking at the calendar a bit more sternly and asking myself what I can make of particular hours. Can I write from 7-9 M-Th? What would that accomplish/what would I need to be on top of for that to become a reality? How else can I build out a day that includes what makes me hapy and time for the things I need to maintain and to grow?

It feels fitting that on the first day of the new Talis year (post 366 means version 7 started a year ago!), I look at the concept of scheduling and reflect on how I spend my time and how to better spend that time. Yes, I know there are AI for that. Let me start by saying what most people are commonly calling AI is not actually AI. This post by Amazon does a fairly good job of sorting out the discussion. When most people talk about AI and fears of AI what they are really talking about is Artificial General Intelligence. When people use chatbots or gpt, which stands for Generative Pre-trained Transformers what we are talking about are retrieval algorithms that can process information based on specific training and questioning. They ain’t thinking bots, y’all.

But that wasn’t the point of this post. Not really. Actually I am considering Skedpal as a tool to help optimize my calendar, but the facts are the calendar is hardly the issue. The issue for me is that I waste entire blocks of time on, well, nothing. I need to get better at not doing that and being more productive during the blocks where I actually do observe Butt in Chair philosophy. For example, I plan to get to work early tomorrow–6 AM I’ll be in the home office cooking up the plan for the week. I could cook up that plan post blog when I have probably 15 to do so, but I am going to play Apex, because… I am. These are the choices that shape my life.

Algorithms are very good at telling us the best time to do things, but the truth is that we need to be wiling to sit down and do them. I will try and honor that this week by getting back to the weekly checklist and using that to ensure I am doing what I am supposed to be doing every day.