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The fantasy world is going crazy, because most of the #1 picks are injured! Yeah it is going to be that kind of season. Football–at that level–is not a pick up game. You have to acclimate and these athletes didn’t get that opportunity. We see the results. Barkley, CMC, Thomas, Garoppolo, The entire superstar set of the Niner’s defense. All of these stars are wrecked and I expect more carnage in week three.

My picks are in a sort of carnage. Let me start by saying one of my leagues is so janky that Burrow scored 73 fantasy points last week. 73! That is madness. So, I am starting Burrow this week and perhaps from here on out. If he is going to go crazy like that then I’m all for the feast.

11-5 last week means I am 21-11 overall. That does not suck. I do still pick the crazy ones though. In my defense, the Giants would have one with Barkley and the Cowboys… I seriously turned it off with a little over 2 left and said there was no way they scored 9 in 2. Way. Absolutely a way. The Falcons are a collapse waiting to happen. Never again. Well, maybe. Especially if they play the Jets. The Jets are awful and Sam Darnold is not the hero NY wanted. Full stop.

Actually, really full stop. Jeez… I burned my ten without making picks. Okay. Tomorrow then.

I’m getting close to the end of the coaching spectrum. I felt it tonight at practice. I’ve been at it too long to feel like I need to feel relevant and I had moments throughout where I felt exactly that way, and I don’t believe I am there for that. I am there because I have something to offer. However, if I don’t I need to move right on and into a life where there is less going on. So, this coaching thing may be over sooner than expected.

A life where there is less going on is the goal. It is the path and the way, but it is also like removing layers of clothing; layers of an entire life peeled away until there is the bare skin and a new beginning. I believe in this path and this way and I am working to get there.

I am working towards a great many ends and one singular new beginning. The more I consider this, the more I am curious and excited about that end goal. At the same time it dims the daily reality because the journey is meant to matter and the journey is so hard and also so filled with loss and change and fighting and sadness and the questions of how to sustain a new life in a way that allows me and my partner to live how we wish.

I am trying to grow and a part of that is shedding old skin, old habits, old desires, and old goals. The future is unwritten, so my partner and I need to start writing it together.

It started with the water dispenser. I thought I would be fine just changing out the filter and with that making the water taste right. Not so much. Whatever bacteria made its way into the line is still there and still pumping nastiness into my water and into my life. So, I am killing the world buying 32 water bottles for every weekend day, because I have three boys who drink water like it is the first time they’ve discovered the pleasure of cold liquid. This is not sustainable. So, tomorrow I am calling the shop to see if I can get somebody out here to fix this dang thing.

Oh, I tried to do it myself. I consider myself a smart guy and the level of work and complexity of just cleaning the line was too much for me. I’m going to shell out the non-existent cash to attempt to fix the problem. Do I feel bad about it? Not entirely. At this point it is a matter of deciding what problems I can deal with and what problems I need to shove off to other people. This is one of those home problems I can have someone else deal with.

I have enough on my plate as it is.

I’m tired and worn down from the action and stress of moving so I’m going to just chill and talk football tonight.

Let’s start with Saquon Barkley. Likely torn ACL and done for the season. Dammed if Madden didn’t call that one too. Here is the thing: this sucks but it gives Jones a chance (again) to step up and be the guy who becomes that big time qb. It also forces the G-men into a position where they know they need to get help at all levels. This is a slow build but we gotta get moving faster. Fans like me want to see an above 500 team. Then current over under for the G-men is two wins.

The Niners saw three starters go down with leg injuries. Two ACL tears and a high ankle sprain. The sprain is the QB and he may come back. The rest is the defense and there is no coming back from losing two starting linemen.

On the fantasy side of things I chose wrong across all three leagues. I lost in two of them. That makes me a combined 1-5 on the season. Yikes. I need to get my mind wrapped around this season because it isn’t going well already.

Some Thoughts:

1. First phone blog in a while and man are my fingers fat.
2. The youth football continuum is getting more interesting because it feels like there are more teams than originally assumed. They just keep coming out the woodwork at that 11u level. In spite of all that I feel as though we have a team that should be in the championship.

Spent a good chunk of the day moving out of my old house. The experience was difficult. I didn’t realize that there would be a strong emotional component to the move. I didn’t realize I would be sad and I would feel like a part of my life was ending. I’ve moved five times in the seventeen odd years I’ve been in Arizona. I moved here with family and then bought my first home. Shortly after we were sucked into the vortex of McMansions and bought a home in a growing suburb. The crash hit and we got crushed. We wound up out of that home and rented another in the same suburb. That lasted a few years until we could buy again.

In a sense, each of my boys was born to a different home. The youngest was born to this home over a decade ago and now I am moving into what I expect will be my final space in this state. I’m not long from retirement and hopefully I will have amassed enough retirement to be able to leave here and do something really good like travel with my partner for the rest of our lives, using a central (small) home as a base as we explore what this beautiful planet has to offer.

This move was difficult because so much living and growing happened in that house. So much pain unfolded there. So much love unfolded there. I have many stories to tell about that house–so many that I don’t know that I will be able to drive by in the future and accept another family carving memories into those walls.

At the same time here I am at a new beginning and in a relationship with the woman I will spend my life with. This is a sort of crossroads. This is the end of one thing and a new beginning of another. I am excited for what this blended future can bring.

Delve

Marcus doesn’t know what he wanted to be when he cleared 12th grade. To him playing basketball with the guys and spending time jacked into the matrix is life. What more can there be? He is jacked in right now, waiting outside the virtual office space that belongs to his guidance counselor. He’s seen her once in the meat world. It was one fo the 16 days he went to face to face school. Living in the towers gave him a pass for getting to school ever since the Backyard Boys started the gang war that already resulted in 11 dead Lonestar cops and 48 dead kids. Any boy under the age of 25 on the streets was bound to get shook down leaving the complex. He didn’t bother trying. Instead Marcus took that as a sign that he was better off navigating the world in virtual space. It offered more than meat and even AR.

Amanda Hixon was the fourth guidance counselor Ginsburg High had recruited since he started High School three years ago. The first one died. He didn’t even know what happened to the second. Word was the guy picked up a contract from a local corp and left that day. Marcus heard the guy never cleaned out the office, leaving everything. Hixon came along soon after and she felt different. He didn’t know anything more than that. They’d never met. Of course, that never stopped him from doing the deep dive before. He called the work delving. He even coined the hacker tag High Delver. He found that word in the dictionary back in the elementary school days when he would do quick web searches on whatever he could in order to pass the time he was locked up in his house and him momma wouldn’t let him out. Back in the times before Mr. Ralph started coming around.

Delving was an art form. Anyone can look a person up, but a delve is a deep dive. He followed the threads that came off the threads, looking for the stuff that didn’t feel like what everyone else’s profile looked like. He knew many professionals had profile curators–people who checked their online patterns and erased evidence of activity that prospective employers might frown at. In fact he’d thought about doing that sort of work professionally. In fact, that is what brought him to the counselor today.

I’m starting that slow descent into heavy writing. I spent most of my driving time today ears deep in Paul Tremblay short stories and I kept thinking about the things I am trying to write and the idea of taking different approaches and trying to speak through new and interesting characters. Writing is a journey and a process. I enjoy the end result, but often find strain and stress in the process (story of my life in many ways).

I’m going to experiment a bit starting tomorrow. I am going to play around with character and setting and try to dive deeper into these worlds I write about and learn a thing or two in the process.

Some Thoughts:

1. Enjoyed the coaching tonight. My role is a light touch and that is different and surprisingly enjoyable. Still on the inside but not deep enough that it is a heavy time and energy commitment.
2. Working through the slog of a workload that defines my professional existence. This too shall pass.
3. I’m deeply in love with my partner. I’m also an idiot who says stupid things that ruin everything. It’s a curse. Pretty good with the words on paper. Not so hot straight out the mouth.
4. Football is back. dope.

Take my money.

After week one it feels like I don’t even have a chance to reach the playoffs in any of the three leagues. I took losses and I was at or near the bottom on points in all three leagues. This doesn’t bode well, given how far from the top I showed. In short, I am not good at predicting fantasy all-stars. I’m not entirely bad at predicting wins and losses, though. In spite of a proclivity to always say the Giants will win, I did good this past week. 10-6 overall with a few shockers (Bengals? Washington?). Well, on to it then:

CIN over CLE

TEN over JAX

TB over CAR

PIT over DEN

LA over PHI

SF over NYJ
As I always bet on Blue I always bet against Green. The Jets are broken beyond repair. Start over with a new QB and new system. Stop trying to make USC QB’s legit. The Cards figured that one out.

BUF over MIA
Miami is not good nor will they be for a few years. Nope.

MIN over IND
I don’t exactly trust the MIN D but Indy is working out a lot of kinks.

GB over DET
Did D’andre Swift get his butt whooped in the locker room? I bet he did. I bet it won’t get to that this week because this will be a whole team beating.

ATL over DAL

NYG over CHI
Always bet on Blue.

AZ over WAS
Last week impressed me. Washington was solid and AZ was legit. Still, AZ is the way.

KC over LAC

BAL over HOU

SEA over NE
The Cam Newton Comeback tour continues, but DangeRuss is going to have more weapons and more time in the pocket to deliver the ball to those weapons. I fear for Cam this week, and hopefully he lives.

NO over LV

I’ve been in a fairly decent work mode as of late. I am getting things done, not letting the myself fall into the hate trap of focusing on negative things, and grinding down the list of things to do. It is a mundane existence whose reward is, apparently, more of a mundane existence. This is not to say I am not enjoying my daily existence, but to say that it is merely a rehearsed and rehashed existence presently devoid of any real creativity. I wake up in the morning to curl into my partner and that is the highlight of the day. I return to that same action and highlight most evenings, bookending mediocrity.

I am not being creative as I am meant to be.

So, why is this relevant? I am trying to start fresh and build in routines and habits that foster a more creative and an energized life. As my partner often remarks, ‘what are we doing this for?’ and I have only ever been able to suggest, ‘in order to have the money to one day do something different’. In reality this is the so-called American Dream. I have the home and the kids and the stuff that comes with that. I dabble in the coaching world. I play games whenever possible. Is it enough? Nah. That is why the day to day is bugging me.

When I was just teaching there was the thought that I was doing more for the world in some small way. Just recently a student reached out to me to talk about what it would take for her to become a teacher, and that felt good. It felt like I was doing something. Now I have to slog through what basically amounts to a dry and derivative corporate existence in order to create an experience that approaches what teaching offered me personally. All of it in search of what? A few dollars more, I suppose.

I don’t know what I will do moving forward. I know that I will be focusing on being more creative in my life and getting back to the central thread of being a writer.

I choose to make this Monday a fresh start I am looking at myself, looking at the life I have created, the life I am living, and the life I have yet to live. This reflection allows me the space to realize who I am, who I have been, and who I am creating of myself every day.

There is a great deal in my life that I am thankful for. There is a great deal in my life for which I need to atone. I am facing both situations with regularity. Not a day passes where I am both loved deeply and told, with great emotion, about the problems I have wrought in life. It is hard to hear about yourself with such negativity and such intensity almost every single day. Yet to know that the people who love you most feel free to say these things without retribution is also a good feeling.

I am not a perfect person, or it seems, even a particularly good to other people. I am brash, curt, overly apologetic, overly sensitive, arrogant, and blind to most of the nuance happening around me. From an outside perspective I, more or less, suck at being good to people or even paying attention to people who aren’t directly presenting an obstacle to my daily life. I, by habit or nature, let assholes rent space in my head. This is a problem I’ve battled my entire life with little success short of a few brief years of ignoring the biggest assholes for the lesser forms of assholery or drifting in and out of obsessions as a replacement for the aforementioned behavioral patterns.

This assessment helps me to understand who I am trying to be in this space and time. I intend for that person to be a better version of myself. That means more stable. More dedicated to the people around me. More capable of brushing off the nonsense and noise, see the criticism as growth and not a thousand paper cuts, and able to breathe in life every day with joy .