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Again I find myself posting deep into the evening. The culprit this time is Minecraft and a surprising desire to be a kid again. Most of that comes from spending all of my time around these three boys of mine. They know how to have a good time, and I like that about them. I only have a few weeks left of this constant exposure/enjoyment. It is a strange feeling. I’m looking forward to the challenge of a new semester, but I am also enjoying the moments I have right now to be a dad and to fall into the routine of parenthood. A lot will be changing this year. I have a boy moving into kindergarden, which puts all three in school. A new era. A new set of challenges. Everything a dad could ask for.

Some Thoughts:

1. I can’t go to sleep without saying something about Brazil. I feel terrible for the team. 7-1 in your own house after the country poured so much heart, money, and even lives into this opportunity. What a mess.

On July 4th I was walking through Walmart with my 7 yr old son. As we are moving through the store, a man almost 15 feet away from me starts staring at me. He continues his angry stare and after a moment I give him my best, ‘What is your deal, man?’ look. He responds by puffing out his chest–at least that was what I thought he was doing. Following his now shifting eyes, I was drawn to the holster under his armpit. He smirked and continued to stare as my son and I went by.

My first thought was, what kind of man tries to start a gunfight in the middle of a department store with an unarmed man pushing a kid in a shopping cart. My second thought was a more emphatic WTF?! I’m still lingering in the realm of the second thought, curious about more than the man but the culture that created the man. My friends who heard about this first asked, ‘was he white?’ In fact, the gun toting loser was white. They immediately questioned if this could be a racist incident. I didnt at first. Until I started reading…

Reading about the recent July 4th weekend shooting in Chicago I stumbled across this quote from web responder MattyC, “The problem isn’t gun laws – I guarantee the guns used in these shootings weren’t legally obtained (except by the police officers). The problem is the poverty, culture, and lack of family values.” A quick glance through the responder’s post history shows an archetype of anger and the supposed media’s purely liberal bias, Obama’s utter failure and responsibility for everything from Fast and Furious (started way before 08, to the troop withdraw from two wars (also started and planned before 08), to a general distaste for urban areas populated by minorities. This history colors his post and changes the meaning of what would otherwise be a sensible remark on gun violence. Call me a stereotyper, but I see a bit of my gun toter in MattyC. I see a bit of that anger and moral superiority that I fear triggered the man to not only carry in Walmart, but to sense the need–the right–to behave aggressively as well.

People are angry and afraid. Politicians have jumped on this seed of anger and fanned the flames for years. The America of 20 years ago is not the America of today. It still belongs to the corporations, but the visible power is shifting away from people who look like the people who’ve always held power. Now we are seeing a backlash from those most resistant to change, those too angry or ignorant to grasp how they are being tricked, and worst of all, those who have enough power to affect meaningful change in a positive direction.

In some ways I fear the situation is similar to what happens in muslim countries where the poor  and disaffected males are pushed into terrorism as a way to belong to something greater than themselves and lash out at those who they’ve been convinced are the source of all their problems. Carrying a gun in Walmart is no more going to fix the fact that our country is changing than strapping a bomb to yourself and blowing up a boat full of Americans is going to change the fact that American companies (and the military) want a piece of your nation. Both actions will have the same result. They will only escalate the conflict. They will only give people reason to lash out. We saw that with 9/11 when we decided to invade two countries over the specter of terrorism. We see that in the Walmart situations as other stores are beginning to ask people to stop bringing guns.

Walmart has been the source of several incidents regarding individuals bearing arms. There is even a blog devoted to following Walmart shootings. In 2013 there were 81. In 2014 there 34 so far. This does not include non-shooting gun incidents. It puts the running two year death tally at 29. Perhaps MattyC was right about the ‘culture and lack of family values.’ Unfortunately, he failed to define which culture and which family values. Not more than a few miles from where I work this shooting happened. This is a compelling case, because, in the end, the shooter was compelled to shoot in order to save himself from a beating. However, the incident leading up to the shooting points to a man who felt emboldened by the fact that he was armed. In other words, he wasn’t carrying a gun for self defense, he was carrying a gun for self confidence. He used that confidence to support his belief that he had the right to go and do what he pleased–especially in a situation where he left his isolated spot and basically got in the space of a woman making a sensitive transaction. When the husband asked him to step away he could have done so, or instead, emboldened, he could have done what he did–tell the husband to back off and escalate the conflict. Just as in my situation the man had no need to start a stare down. He could have simply kept on with his business as I kept on with mine.

On the way out of the store I saw a man wearing a tee shirt that read ‘Ipac’ with the symbol of gun instead of the familiar chewed up apple the shirt was an obvious play on. The man wearing it was a skinnier version of the man I encountered earlier in the store. Same piercing anger in his eyes, same strut, hell, same goatee. I didn’t see a weapon, but we’re allowed to carry concealed arms in this state. You know what I didn’t see?

Agression.

Ipac man smiled at me and nodded. I smiled and nodded back and we both kept keeping on. You see, it is okay to feel strongly about what you believe in–that’s the beauty of this nation. I like to think Ipac understood one thing the other dude didn’t: Being mad and feeling strongly doesn’t give you the right to go out and start a fight with someone who has nothing to do with your problems.

 

Some Thoughts:

1. This quote from Donna Brazille really sums up my feelings on the recent ‘Obama is the worst’ poll: “When it comes to the “best” president, Democrats split their votes between Bill Clinton, John F. Kennedy and Obama, each reaching double digits. Two-thirds of Republicans said Ronald Reagan was the best, largely ignoring everyone else.The same happened, in reverse, with the “worst”: Democrats split their votes between Bush and Nixon; Republicans “really hate Obama.”So, no surprise: The country is deeply divided on partisan grounds, Democrats share the wealth, and Republicans concentrate their love or disdain.” (read the full article here)
2. Based on the crazy success of Frozen, I wouldn’t be surprised if someone pitched multiple sequels. I hope the producers have the courage we still see from the Incredibles producers and don’t sully their creation with a sequel.
3. This was longer than 10 minutes.

 

A friend recently reminded me that I have a lot going on in my life. She challenged me to acknowledge that, to which I said, ‘yeah, yeah, yeah’. I was thinking that everyone has a lot going on in their life, so acknowledging that I have a lot going on felt somehow egotistical. Upon further review, it isn’t. Much is made of the phrase ‘stop and smell the roses,’ but what that actually means is take a step, breathe, and think about the positive you’ve wrought in your own life. There is nothing egotistical about that. It is simply a reaffirmation of the fact that you are worth something after all. This is doubly important if there is nobody in place to remind you that you don’t just absolutely suck at life.

For a while I felt that was egotistical too.

Being raised by someone who has no capacity to offer positive comments and then falling into relationship after relationship where the same thing happens does little to reinforce your self esteem. Therefore it is important to remember the self in self-esteem and become that person who can tell yourself that you are actually an okay person. Now there is a fine line between self esteem and baseless ego. I’ve crossed and watched that line be crossed far too often. At some point reality drifts into the realm of delusion and people start to believe that themselves (or their kids) are capable of things far beyond the realm of reason. In the end it is all about keeping a firm understanding of who you are and who the people around you are, and then finding a way to reinforce your personal life with the people who make you better instead of the people who make you worse.

All of these deep thoughts swirl back to the idea of me having a lot going on and being willing to accept the fact that there is some deeper reason that I over extend myself. We all have a capacity to do great things, but when we try to do everything and everything great, the quality suffers. By seeing what I am doing–all that I am doing–I can pull back and put my attention to where I think it is needed most, and find a way to fill my life with the people who can help me out in the other areas.

 

Some Thoughts:

1. The gym experience is reminding me of everything I don’t like about working out. However, it is easier this time around. I recognize the need more so than I ever have since I stopped playing organized sports. This isn’t about being able to run faster or do more, it is about having the core strength needed to live the way I want to for as long as I want to. Perhaps that wisdom and renewed patience is what it means to be (almost) 40.

Before I power up Minecraft and pour a glass of wine, I thought I’d share some thoughts…

1. With the loss of their top 2 scorers (including Neymar gone for the Cup), Brazil’s chances are looking thin. Then again, this is Brazil battling for the Cup in Brazil. They will be fighting beyond their means. Argentina v. Brazil is a possibility but not a likelihood thanks to the above level play of the Netherlands. This last set of matches pre-final will be worth the full 90+ minute watch. Suddenly I really love soccer…
2. I’m trying to come to an understanding about how young is too young for club athletics. On the one hand you want to nurture the desires of your kids. On the other, the commitment (financially and time wise) can be intense.
3. I’m convinced now that satisfaction is a bad word. One mustn’t merely be satisfied with their life. I believe you ought to drive for happiness every chance you get.
4. On the subject of happiness, a friend just got  a new puppy and that makes me want to find a new cat so much more…
5. Basketball is wrapping up for me in a few weeks. I still haven’t played my way back into form. In fact, I missed the last 2 games because of scheduling issues. The team is undefeated thanks to an influx of new talent. I’d like to think I’m a part of that, so what I aim to do is make sure my game is very polished for this next week. There are a few things my body will allow me to do successfully, so all that is left is to convince my mind to follow suit.
6. The kids’ seasons are wrapping up as well. 2 is the most losses any team has and that is the very raw 8-9 squad. Our last two games are against the 2 teams that beat us, so we get to see where we are now.

My kids are clamoring for an Xbox One.

They don’t want any specific game, but are aware the system is the next iteration of Xbox ‘magnificence’ so they are all in. I am not. My relationship with XBox 360 began 3 years ago, long after the system’s release. I didn’t believe in the system and still have doubts, so I waited. The kids don’t want to wait, but what is the benefit of going all in now? Games operate on a two year cycle. A game comes out, the second year release is usually a weak update, and then year three is solid. We are in the weak year of the games I love most–especially in regards to Madden where the 15′ release looks underwhelming at best. The 16′ releases will be strong all around, and with an extra year of development under their hats, the game development teams will be able to deliver big.

Mass Effect Big.

Instead of pouring cash into an Xbox, I trickled a few dollars into the Loft Development Fund and was able to successfully purchase the components to move to a 3 screen gaming/entertainment system powered by Ps3, Wii U, Direct TV, and Chromecast. This alleviates the problem of 3 kids fighting over screen time and looks really freaking cool to boot.

So, instead of upgrading to new systems, I’ve put (very little) cash into sprucing up what we have and making it more enjoyable and networking it for academic purposes. The kids are helping too, so they will know how to run wire and do al that other techy stuff that the average person ends up spending a great deal of money to have done for them.

I’ve been going to the gym. No, really. I mean it this time. The feeling is like watching a fog lift. After a moment you can see hints of low slung green grass and you remember that once, life flourished beyond the gray. It is not easy moving towards a healthier way of living. We are at the point where even my kids are tired of fast food and I run on two sugary cups of coffee a day. It isn’t too late to reverse course, which is how I wound up at the gym on Monday and Tuesday and purchased heavier home weights today in order to make sure I could still get some lifting in even if I couldn’t make it out.

In the back of my psyche is this blueprint of a perfect me. He is a man that devotes 30 minutes to an hour each day towards staying fit. Another hour goes towards writing and ten minutes are spent in front of the laptop squeezing out this blog. I’ve only managed to find the courage for the 10 minutes to become routine. I feel like the rest is finally coming around.

Habits are about repetition and reinforcement. Bad habits often hold some psychological ransom over the person. Some even hold a chemical ransom over the person. Good habits should operate in the same manner–as they did with the 10 minute rule. I have a long journey ahead of me to master the forming of good habits.

Spend the summer with 3 boys and you’ll start dreaming about things to keep them busy. Literally. My latest dream wandered towards the subjects of black lights and balloons. Believe it or not, there is a real game opportunity there–one that can be a long lasting adventure waiting to happen…

Black light balloon fight

This isn’t actually a water balloon fight, though in the dream that was a primary derivation. In the water fight form, the black lit balloons were filled with a watery substance that showed up on black light and showed the hits. Unfortunately, short of the dream realm, I don’t have a space where kids can toss water balloons indoors (or outdoors) under black light.

The conventional approach to the game begins with filling the room with balloons under normal light. Each balloon is marked with a pen that only shows up in black light, so once the children have the balloons and the black lights are turned on, they are forced to trade with each other in order to get the other balloons they need to complete their message. First kid to complete the message wins a prize.

 

 

 

There is no guide book to being a good parent, wife, husband, friend, etc. However, the media is loaded with all sorts of bad advice that reinforces the stereotypical way we think things should be, even when that sort of thinking is detrimental to us entirely. I touched on this idea of archetypes in a Jungian sidebar a few days ago. Sense that moment the idea of the deeper meaning therein has been brewing. I see it everywhere, but especially in terms of patriarchal reinforcement messaging. For example, Matt Lauer recently asked a female CEO if she could be a CEO and a mother–never stopping to consider if a man could be a CEO and a father even though the roles (outside of archtypical representation) are equally demanding.

In my household my summer role is basically that of stay-at-home-dad. I work remotely and spend hours and hours keeping my three boys entertained. I’ve been doing this for close to a decade now, and I can see how much of what is considered the mother’s role really applies to the person who is at home with the kids on a regular basis. The archtypical dad is a provider and steps in to deliver discipline. I do those things as well, but it doesn’t define my relationship with the kids in any way.

I find that I spend days at a time struggling to understand what I am supposed to be/do in the given roles that I have. What does it mean to be a good friend? Am I supposed to call every week? How about a husband? A Dad? A co-worker? Each of us look for the social scripts that are meant to inform our interactions in a given situation. But what if keeping to the script keeps us from expressing individuality and creativity within the role? What if all we are doing is being soldier ants, marching to the beat of longstanding expectation without a thought to how those expectations begin to define us and limit us as people?

Once in a while, I want to be surprised by my interactions. I want to hold my breath and wonder aloud, ‘What’s going to happen next?’

One day I woke up and I was 40. Well, not quite 40–39, actually but the point is the same. More than half my life is behind me (I should hit about 75 should I stay in AZ or even return to NYC–68 if I somehow wind up in Tennessee). I was watching Invincible, a Mark Wahlberg vehicle about Vince Papali and thought to myself, Man that dude is 43. There is a difference of only a few years and a great deal of gym time and wealth. Nevertheless, it got me thinking..

It is cliche to say that we only get one chance at life, but it is also accurate. Some of us spend each of those days working as hard as we can in order to generate a nest egg for retirement. Others live every day like its their last–until one day it is. Others still waste away slowly, munching on the social decay of our society, bored and anxious for the next episode of the bachelor to wind around so we can noisily poke fun or dream vicariously about how they live their lives. All of these are utterly valid ways to live and all of these I have done. Yet none of them are how I want to be. None make me happy.

For some time now, the idea of happiness has dominated my psyche. I thought at first that people made me happy. They can aid, enable, or disable my happiness, but the feeling comes from within and from a certainty that I am living the life that is ideal and best suited to me. Living a life that works–one where I am constantly growing and enabled to maximize my potential is, in fact, what happiness is.

I look around and see a few people who are doing that and there is that ever so slight twinge of jealously that they’ve reached that place that still beckons me. I am working towards it, day by day, opening the doors that need opening and shutting the ones that take me further away from success. It is a journey, but it isn’t one of those situations where the journey towards happiness is the whole story. The journey is the trip to the starting line. Becoming the best possible you, now that is a journey.

I’m speaking in abstractions tonight. This is because all the mechanisms that control whether or not we are happy and successful in life reside purely in our head–a space reached only through abstractions. It is about trust and belief and the courage to make the right choices–even when they are hard. I’ll tell you what a great mentor once told me, “Figure out what you need, and then you’ll figure out how to use it to get what you want.”

 

Michael Bay has too much money. I know this because he stopped giving a damn about what fans think and started using films as a way to reflect his increasingly warped and isolated world view. To quote a Maane Khatchatourian article on yahoo movies, “They love to hate and I don’t care; let them hate,” he told MTV’s Josh Horowitz. “They’re still going to see the movie! I think it’s good to get a little tension. Very good.”

Who can blame him for the attitude. Unlike the work of fellow director, M. Night Shyamalan, no matter what Bay puts out there we are still going to see his crap. TMNT? I’m seeing it. I’d really rather not, but I have kids and even they (if reluctantly) want to see his lens-flare enhanced take on the turtles. What worries me the most is that my kids will look at his films and think, why does he always make women look that way? Why does he always portray races that way? Here’s the problem: Transformers 4 is a epically dysfunctional crapstorm that exists in a reality so far from the racial realism of the real world that Carl Jung might possibly rise from the grave to point at the screen and moan, “See, I was fucking right about archetypes!” Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe Bay is a genius who plays to the largest possible crowd, and sensing the shifting financial fortunes of a Chinese audience, pandered to said audience in such a way that it pleased the groups he felt needed pleasing.

Or, maybe he’s just an old-school idiot.

I’m going with old-school idiot. It would be too limiting to call him racist. That would mean ignoring his strange obsession with trios of women. Heck, even the classic Arcee bot was transformed into a trio of hot crotch rockets that happened to hologram sexy female triplets. This trio motif continues on in Transformers 4 where we are greeted by three secretaries in matching heels (displayed in a typically lingering shot). Women are scantily clad (and stupid) all over this film. To make matters worse, the only stand up woman in the entire film is portrayed by an Asian woman who winds up being a kung-fu master. That isn’t the ‘matters worse’ part. The ‘matters worse’ part is when she is saved by some random Asian dude who was waiting in the elevator watching her being beat to death. At some point the dude decides she can no longer handle herself and, because he is also a jung-fu master, beats a top-notch CIA assassin into unconsciousness in under 15 seconds.

Yeah, that happened.

Sadly, nothing much more positive than that happened. I spent most of the film playing find-the-plot between senseless battles and mourning the disappointing appearance of iconic transformers in the most underwhelming way possible. At one point I stopped and wondered how there were suddenly no hispanics in Texas (where the film starts), no black people anywhere, and why for an extreme stretch of time the film turns into a PSA for how much China loves Hong Kong. I get the last part. The last transformers film grossed $165 million in China. I mean, filmmakers gotta eat. Filmmakers also gotta remember, when catering to the Chinese, it is important to give mention to how much China protects Hong Kong. It is also important to have key product placements (a number of which were chinese–in addition to the reality show that help cast many of the chinese extras).

Transformers 4 has an awful lot of cool special effects. As a visual effects junkie, I love that. On the other hand, I love plot a lot more and Transformers 4 is lacking that completely. But who cares? Bay certainly doesn’t. He’s getting paid regardless.