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The immediate fear of being back in the states and being back in the desert in particular is falling into old habits. The worst among those habits is how still and seated I am over the course of a day. I’ve watched my minutes and miles go down dramatically over the past few days. I’ve dropped from an average of 10 to an average below 2. That is not acceptable behavior and likely the kind of stuff that will find me in an early grave. Why? The heat is definitely a problem, but the lack of walkable spaces and the culture are key here. This is not a walking culture. Heck, even walking the dog becomes a chore when you shift towards avoidance of all other dogs in the area for concerns of what that other dog might be wanting or be trained to do. This is a stark contrast to our walks in Canada where we often went through spaces where dogs were off the leash and were always completely fine and well behaved with people and, largely, with each other. The owners were more of a problem.

Here, the problems mount. The fees and troubles mount. The negativity mounts. I think that is why I’m looking forward to football so much. It provides a potent outlet for all of this negativity by, at the least, giving me something to look forward to that isn’t a literal escape. I’m looking forward to those too, and there are plenty on the way. However, I cannot continue to live a life that is about escaping from that life I am living. there are a number of things I need to figure out and start to feel good about. Here at home alone I need to learn how to feel comfortable in the space again without worrying about little fatherly things like who is going to eat my food or cleaning up after kids who act like they don’t know better.

My life is what it is. I made these choices and I stick by them. I am mostly proud of them. I am here in this space and I need to find a way to feel good about that. This, like all things, is a process.

Some Thoughts:

1. No, I didn’t freewrite. I actually forgot it was Friday until this very moment.

The anticipation is crushing me.

Maybe its that I don’t have a lot to look forward to in the states. My day to day consists of spending hours working and spending as much time possible with the love of my life. Only, we are indoors and kinda stuck in the desert for a bit. So, I am constantly not where my feet are at. I’m thinking ahead to UNI vs. EWA on September 5th–16 days from now. That’s a very long time away and I have little news happening to make me feel like it is getting any closer. I’m looking forward to seeing the kid take the field because I feel that big energy and that aura. He’s all Solo Leveling now…

<I tried to drop in a vid here… but I am still trash>

So, I’m looking for something to look forward to and it is paining me that there is so little bright out there for me to get hype about. Heck, even the video games are played right now…

Some Thoughts:

1. Nothing. Just nothing…

So, I set up an algorithm to track the boys’ play throughout the season in order to figure out projections for NFL and the like. It might not be a portal season for 3, but I want to make sure that he has enough data that shows upward growth in case a P4 comes calling at one of those crazy prices. His little brother is outside the P4 and has no goal to go there. He wants to stay loyal to the squad he’s verbally committed to. Of course, add a few zeros to a P4 offer and I might need to consider talking him in that direction. NFL careers are no certainty in this high impact sport. Getting wealthy young and learning to squirrel that away is important. These kids make a lot of money for their schools and have to make sure the risks they take have later upside for their families.

Of course, you gotta win first.

In the preseason everyone is shiny. Everyone expects things. This is not the case for the HS squad which is projected to go 3-7 on the year. That’s possibly a generous projection as it looks like the kid might not play both ways. The offense is one dimensional. They rely on the short pass game and letting the wr’s who are mostly converted RBs cook in space.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Truckload of squid spills into the street in Rhode Island, creating a smelly mess in the summer heat” heh.

Ten years from now I am going to look back on the kid’s senior year and think about what I could’ve done better to stop what is already going downhill. I’m not talking athletically. He’s straight there. No, its the relationship I am worried about. He is tumbling headlong into a narrative where his father and that entire side of the family is merely an afterthought. It’s a thing he is being manipulated into in part and a thing that he is doing because it is easy and because everyone I mentioned above is not a priority in his life.

Ten years from now I hope he is in a place where he can look back at this blog and see what happened and understand why things are the way they are–however that looks at the time. I lost control. I let his mom have too much space and too much influence. There are many reasons why that went the way it did, but none of it is really germane to where we go from here.

I don’t actually know what that next part looks like. I hope it is more shaped like an adult relationship where there is more priority give to it or at least equal priority on both sides. I don’t know or have many adult relationships like that. I guess all I am doing is what I’ve done and what I’ve seen and what I know. I am a better parent than my birth father, but worse than my real father–that much I recognize. I don’t imagine a scenario where I wouldn’t want to spend more time with him.

Maybe that is just the way people are nowadays. At least towards their fathers.

Some Thoughts:

1. I hate the doom and gloom stuff, but since I’ve been home, that has been the theme. How could it not be? Its all I see and deal with on a daily basis.
2. I miss the light.

I’ve been grinding more or less since I woke up. No games. No chillin outside of a lovely morning coffee with the Lady Talis. Since then I’ve been on that grind. I’m tired. I like it. It makes me feel like I’m getting things done, if only school things. Still, those are the ones I need to have ready and filed appropriately in my headspace come Wednesday. Yup. I don’t teach till then. I have one of those late-start situations which means I don’t teach it during the first week. Of course, if the learning community makes I’m in the classroom at 8:30 on Tuesday. I want it to make. I love teaching with the Lady Talis. I love money too. I need money right now. Bills are stacking up and the ability to pay them is very crucial. It would help to add a few thousand coin to the coffers. As of now we have 5 students. I have a bit of a fall back idea to snag another course in case this one doesn’t fly. It’s only really a possibility at this point that I could still get it, but the money means I have to try.

Spent a lot overseas.

I tend to do that. I tend to have an idea of how much I can recover from debt over the summer and then I go somewhere wonderful and don’t make the extra progress I was intending to make. Then I come home and need four new tires or something equally not wonderful. It is what it is, and I am going to get right over time. It’s just… how much time?

It is about time for me to get off a screen for a while. Maybe go plant some shit.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “The buck stops somewhere else: A look at Trump’s tendency to avoid blame when things go awry” Shots fired. On target no less…
2. So excited about the upcoming FCS season. I am amazed at how much my kid has improved. Major jump incoming. I’ve laid out a goal in my head for his numbers. If he gets there, it is power 4 next year for sure…

Tania didn’t believe in the separation of light and darkness. Even on the canvas she wove the two together as if one needed the other to be complete. Her space was small. Four white walls, dingy from years of use and little cleaning. She could stretch her hands as far as they would go, take two shuffle steps and reach any wall. This would be more impressive if she were a larger person, but she wasn’t much above five feet.

She sighed, leaning back against the wall that held the solitary window to the small room, opposite the door. Outside life went on as usual. She could hear the sounds of construction and traffic beyond her space. She could hear the sounds of other creators through the door and down the halls where several other rooms were set up for similar purpose. The city still valued art, and made space for people to create it. Young people at least, she noted thinking about the old man who’d called himself a carver. He’d been turned away at the door. No reason was given at the time. She was afraid to ask the floor manager why he couldn’t be granted a space. She needed hers. It was the only place she could create.

Her current painting remained unfinished. The edges were the flat emptiness of bare canvas. Slashes of color shot out haphazardly from the center. She’d meant to make a frame of color, but what fell onto the campus was closer to the arc of a rainbow. Atop that high arch of color she’d drawn the black outline of a man. Curiously, it reminded her of the old man.

Some Thoughts:

1. Time ran out, but I think I was headed towards a supernatural tale here…

Being back I thought I would slide right into a healthy state side routine loaded with activities. I thought I would jump right back in and be able to quickly move through the small mountain of clean up duties and, quite quickly, be able to get down into a routine. I was giving myself a week to be right. I’m going to need more time, because Day 1 was horrible.

I’m struggling so much right now with the kid thing. They have an entirely separate life with their mom and hotse routines, and I accept that. What sucks is that mine feels like more and more of a drop in situation. It is supposed to–in my hope–model an adult relationship. I am still learning how to build those and to have to also be doing it with a 17 yr old kid who is finding more guidance from church than from the home is tough for me. I’m losing the bond with him and it is making me feel terrible for the both of us moving forward.

Beyond that I am just flat out struggling. under 2.5 miles of movement today. That is nowhere close to being useful movement. I need a lot more if I am going to be able to stay driven and stay alive. It is tough in the heat. I could easily blame the chores of the day, but for whatever reason the chores weren’t the thing that got away from me–the day itself did. Suddenly it’s after 9pm and we’ve done very little of what was planned to be done. I sold the bag today in that respect. I have no clue where all the time went. I need to figure this out moving forward, because today cannot be the model. I mean, sure, we spent time enjoying a kid’s bday, but that wasn’t 10 hours.

Obviously, I didn’t get to the freewrite. I will need to try again and try harder tomorrow.

Some Thoughts:

1. No headlines. Not this time…

The freewrite is going to have to wait another day. I’ve been on a plane or at the airport or in a car for half the day and I don’t have it in me to do more than groan and hiccup. Mostly groan. Home again. It is a mix of good and bad and all of the things in between. I’ve a lot of cleaning to do after three months away, but the biggest thing is that we have to quickly learn how to deflect this terrible energy that is so pervasive here.

Part of it might just be my own sensitivities. And expectations. (and hiccups, because these things are terrible).

I wanted to come home and feel wanted and appreciated. I came home to feeling like an extra with one or two speaking lines. I miss Canada already and I haven’t even tasted the desert sunlight. It is going to take me some time to shift back into things, but I will get there. I’m going to do what the Lady Talis does and find the things I love about this place and fall into that. They certainly exist.

Some Thoughts:

1. Late night blog. Low energy. I’ll be better tomorrow.

Someone in Illinois won a Billion Dollar Powerball Jackpot. Meanwhile, as I loo at my life and debt and everything all added up at once, 2 million after taxes would take care of all my bills, wants, and needs for an extremely long time. Heck, I could do all of it on an 8th of that amount. 250 goes an extremely long way in my life. That says a lot about my life–where I am and what needs to happen to get me right.

Problem is not knowing how to get there.

I deal in practical worlds. Kinda. I’m an academic, so that is not entirely a practical world, but it isn’t the lofty flights of people who work with money on computers. I’m also way too old to be an athlete. My kids are cashing in on that side of things, and given a good season or two, they’ll be able to set themselves up comfortably for life. It won’t be generational wealth, but it will be wealth enough to live well. Living well and living happily are my primary goals anymore. I want to be able to do that and experience all the wonders life has left to offer me.

I trust there are plenty.

Tomorrow we head back to the states to fall into a new school year and earn that money and move one step closer to a retirement. I’m looking at retirement as the beginning of the next act. I need that sustaining income to give me the time and space to be the writer I know I can still be–even after the mid forties decline I’m only now realizing has rocked me hard. I’m working on building back up from that. I still have it in me. It takes a lot longer for it to come out though. Practice is my priority there. Flexibility as well. The more I write different things, the more I regain that flexibility that defined my style. The more I read, the more I hunger for that style to flourish.

Some Thoughts:

1. Absolutely Bonkers Headline of the Day: “Conspiracy theories falsely blame Colombia earthquake on Alaska research program” Yeah, well… No. I got nothing here. We’re just crazy people anymore.

Today was media day for UNI. The DV high media day took place a while ago but I haven’t gone through the footage of either. I do know this: They gave my kid a camera and let him film the process. He had a lot of fun with it. He didn’t know it was coming and some of that lack of preparation shows, but he has a natural chill that makes him feel approachable on screen. That will be helpful to him moving forward. He’s a team guy and he aims to be that at the next level as well. He has a lot of steps to go before he gets there. This season is a big one. He’s finally at the point where he’s making plays on film. He looks sharp in all phases of the defensive game, forcing turnovers from the pass and from run fits. He’s ready in a way he wasn’t last season and it shows. This will be a great opportunity for him to show the rest of the league who he is, because it’s playoff teams for the majority of the season.

How will they do? That remains to be seen. I’m seeing a lot of good on the defensive side of the ball–especially from the secondary. It remains to be seen what caliber the offense actually is. Coach has some thoughts, but I’ll wait till next week to sort all that out. One thing appears clear: The offense is better than it was last year. The trust is greater than it was last year.

Some Sports Thoughts:

1. Recently, “Enes Kanter Freedom and Royce White, declared themselves eligible for the WNBA draft, saying they identify as women.” Stunts like this have no value other than for a man to feel more powerful. It is a sad state of affairs we are in right now with this hyper-politicized debate about an issue that is not an issue in the WNBA at all, and hardly an issue at any level of sport. Indeed its a bad faith argument.