Month: December 2012

I’m looking inward this sunday as the Redskins face off against the Cowboys, because I am reserving tomorrow’s post for thoughts on the new year. I’m taking ten to reflect on the old year, on 360 plus consecutive posts, on learning how to live within my means, and learning how I really want to live. On tasting mortality, on enjoying family, on friends and neighbors, on understanding why sport is so important to me. On writing. On deadlines. On opportunities missed and discovered. On Shadowrun Returns. On Shadowrun 5, and on and on and on.

I’m starting with a comparison to Rex Ryan.
Sometimes in life we believe we’re doing the right thing and we tie ourselves to that belief and the idea of who we are so completely that we cannot recognize what the world sees us as or even how we ourselves have become degraded. Rex was caught up in the Sanchize. I got caught up in a lot of different things. For one, I spent the last few years really letting myself go, both physically and appearance wise. I shaved less and wore terrible clothing. Worst of all, I was often scripting these terrible outfits two or even three days in advance. Now I’m figuring out where to shop to look at least respectable in the workplace. Perhaps the look will bring an even better work attitude.

Moving along to attitude: I spent a long time building a strong sense of organization and no time developing the overriding discipline needed to be consistent and effective in all aspects of my life. That needs to be the charge for 2013. I have made changes and grown as a person, but I am not remotely close to the man I want to be.

 

At least I know who he is now.

I was at the Casino for a bit tonight and ran in to a friend from my old college. The faculty member is one I’ve always liked and appreciated largely as a mentor. His loudest message is to remain out of the political fray and focus on the students. The students are why we teach, and so long as we remember that there is always someone in the class who needs you, there is still value in doing the job.

But it is the rest of the riff raff that make the work tough. Here are the basic facts of Community College:

1. There is no admission screening which means that anyone  (of age) can get in.
2. There is a perception, based on the above, that the quality of education is somehow less than what you get in university.
3. This perception is often shared by faculty.
4. Often the quality of students affects the way a class is run, giving credence to the perception of a ‘lesser learning environment’
5. CC students often are in it for a grade and nothing more.

If you put these six areas together, you are looking at a high rate of faculty burn out. Truth be told, I am there. I just ended a situation where a student wanted a better grade than what that student earned–largely based on extra credit. I did not want to give up the A. I want the A to mean something, but I very reluctantly yielded, and it made me super angry. This is not about the student, but about the situation. See, the students the semester largely did not care about what they learned and completely railed on me on ratemyprofessor about how they didn’t learn a thing. Yet come grade time it is all about what they ‘deserve’. I have tried a plethora of ways to take the grade out of the picture and get to the core learning but nothing I do is working. It is always about the grade.

As I write I am trying to work out how to make a course, which is essentially about improving through process, a graded course that is not about the grade. I’ve thought about starting everyone with an A and dropping grades down based on quality of work. Basically, they look at the grading sheet and see A, but as work is graded, the 100% grade  is rewritten to reflect a true score. Still, this is confusing and this is grading.

Another method that misleads is the running total. Students see a few low value assignments and say, oh I have an A. Once the first big essay is due, A becomes D and anger ensues. I cannot hope to solve centuries of grading drama in a 10 minute blog. I can vent. I can voice opinions. I can air out my options. I cannot get a ‘right’ answer. So, here is what I’ll do. I am going to make it all about the grades this semester. If grades are motivational tools and so deeply important to student performance, I want to see what grades actually do to student performance when they are being constantly brought up and assessed. Starting with week 3 and onward each week through the semester, students are going to have to take a long look at their grade and reflect on what got them in the fix they are in (assuming something short of a perfect grade) and write about their plans to adjust that number upward. I can even make that personal reflection a part of the grade (complete it and get XX points the essays will serve as evidence for your final and will also be used as evidence to determine your final grade should you be a borderline grade). It isn’t the end all, but it makes me feel better. I don’t want to be in a situation again where people are negotiating for grades after the semester ends.

 

That is not cool.

I don’t put much stock in failure. While I haven’t always had resounding success and, especially in the last 2 years, have been far below subpar, I don’t believe I have been a failure. I move through the world like my favorite team, the New York Giants. They have an outside chance of getting into the playoffs and winning it all. 3 other teams must lose, and two of the three are frankly in position to lose. Now how does that relate to me? Lately I have not been the go to guy, and deservedly so. However, I see some opportunities cropping up and I feel like I have an opportunity to take advantage of the world around me so long as I do my part. It isn’t all on me. There are some outside forces that need to fall in place rather quickly, but if I can rediscover that discipline that I brought to the first few weeks of this blog, I will be golden.

So there. I have a challenge I can get behind. I need to fall back into that discipline and I need to provide myself with a schedule and time to do so.

Pardon the technical difficulties. Perhaps the fates too wish to hear nothing more of the Tebow situation. This post is a little bit about that, but also about the media portrayal of the situation. Here is what I know: Rex Ryan is not going to play Tebow as a QB. I have no idea why short of speculation and insider gossip. To hear it from the media, Tebow is a terrible thrower.

Tell me something I didn’t know before the trade.

Last week’s 11 sack debacle proved that the line has quit on the team. Nobody on O is holding on to their pride. It feels a lot like last year and a lot more like a coach who has lost control of his team. Heck, I have had it happen with 4-5 year olds, I can only imagine how much worse that is when dealing with grown male egos. Tebow’s ego is the least of the worries there, but it quickly became the focus of media attention–largely because of Ryan’s refusal to put the kid in. At the very least the situation represents a disconnect between the GM and the coach. I believe both are gone next year and the Jets would do well to get a solid veteran like Vick and draft someone they can develop over 2-3 years (and is willing to be developed). If you ask me, the coach and GM will be gone immediately  after a loss and Rex will be running someone else’s D before the end of the week. Heck, he could easily wind up on the Patriots staff. Wouldn’t that be the very F-U?

 

In the wake of so many recent public shootings I find myself wondering if my kid is going to snap one day and go on a killing spree. I have 3 kids, all boys, and each has very different behaviors. None seem to be outwardly murderous, but neither did Dahmer. In fact, I’ve been studying Derf Backderf’s graphic novel on Dahmer and thinking about what signs I myself could be missing as early as age 8.

It is natural to want to blame the parents, especially in situations where the killer takes his own life. We need to push guilt upon the living as a form of catharsis. I do not aim to be that guilt sponge in any way. Moreover, the idea of actually being responsible for the making of a monster troubles me greatly. We are supposed to leave the world better than we found it. Making killers does not, IMHO, meet that goal. On the other hand the media glorifies these killers from Dexter on down. I remember a movie called 15 minutes where killers went on a spree and recorded the whole thing. Chronicle was, in its own way, about the social networking of bad behaviors.

All of these real world realities add up to two things. 1) We live in a society where becoming a serial killer is now another way that kids used to negative attention can reasonably get attention. 2) 10 minutes is up.

Christmas came quickly this year.

Seriously. There was a great deal of wonder on the front end and then, at once it seemed, we were opening gifts. Suddenly the season was over and everyone was passed out, recovering from a food coma. The best part for me was the Santa hunt. I left a bag of coal for the kids in the place they’d designed for Santa to leave their presents. In the bag was candy and a note that led them on a treasure hunt to find their gifts. several clues later they found the gifts and felt like they earned the opening.

I learned from this xmas that I enjoy the family gatherings and wish they happened more often. I think it takes a lot of time to settle in to what you want in life, what is good for you, and finding that polite balance between need and want. I think I need–I think we both need–family more than we thought we did. I also think we need to widen our circle of friends and in that way build our non-conventional family.

This year my home was full and warm on xmas. I loved every minute of it and deeply appreciated being a dad. Next year ought to be the same situation, wherever it may occur.

 

Some Thoughts:

1. I am picking up wordspeed with errors. The splint covers most of my ring finger in a metal sheath–or as my wife would say, My Digitus annula’ris is supported over the distal and middle phalanx. Or something like that. The pain is reduced, but the discomfort of the instrument is something else entirely. Every so often I lose track, falling into the rhythm of typing and whacking the keys with a metal sheath. I really hope to be fully healed by game time. I need to bounce back from the extraordinarily crappy play of the last few weeks. 

Among the most important tools to me as a writer are my hands. One of those hands was dang near ruined in a flag football game yesterday. Lets forget for a moment that my skills have eroded to the point where I am a below average baller. Lets also forget that I am old and lazy and preoccupied with Shadowrun. The injury wasn’t because of any of that. The person whose flag I grabbed was wearing shorts with pockets and my finger wound up in a pocket and finally in a brace. I cannot say how long I will be in this state, but it has curtailed my ability to write to the extreme.

I am trying to cope, but as I began, The hands are very important to my livelihood, and with drafts due, this is going to be a bit tougher of a writing holiday than I thought.

Not a lot left in the tank. Messed up my hand pretty bad so i am pecking at the keys. need to stop before i injure it more

Demarco Cousins is a highly talented NBA basketball player who has no idea how to act in the spotlight. He has been suspended from his ball club indefintely, giving up millions in contract and endorsement money. He isn’t alone. Most notably The head of the CIA was recently busted for having an affair with his biographer. All the media was asking why these people and those like them, with so much going well for them, would make a mistake like that. Why, in other words, would they deem to be human?

Anne Hathaway, recent victim of a so-called wardrobe malfunction, was prodded and basically clowned by an newsman in regards to her privates being accidentally exposed. She was in a vulnerable situation and was taken advantage of.  Her response says it all, “”It kind of made me sad on two accounts. One was that I was very sad that we live in an age when someone takes a picture of another person in a vulnerable moment and rather than delete it–and do the decent thing–sells it. And I’m sorry that we live in a culture that commodifies sexuality of unwilling participants, which brings us back to ‘Les Mis,’ that’s what my character is, she is someone who is forced to sell sex to benefit her child because she has nothing and there’s no social safety net.”

We have this expectation for the people who we see in the public spotlight to somehow be more than human. When they are not we make every effort to make them appear as less than human. This is the classic high school mentality on a national scale. I wish I understiid why it happens.

The family will be here soon and with them all the joy and spontaneity that Christmas is supposed to bring. I can’t help but feeling that this is a last Christmas for us all. It has nothing to do with the ‘coming apocalypse’ and everything to do with the changing state of our family unit. The kids are getting older and the uncles and aunts are so far flung that it is difficult for everyone to gather with any consistency. I suspect the next year’s holidays will be spent in Iowa. I also suspect we will not be going. My wife and I have no desire to return to her state of raising. That place is mad gray.

If the holidays end up in Colorado, as they have before, we will surely attend. Flying would be too costly, but the distance is close enough to drive over the course of a day or two. We can make a fun road trip out of it; maybe we can even use the event to move into a different vehicle!

Perhaps the biggest part of my concern is that the kids are quickly losing interest in the traditions. They are all about running around and video games and what they can get from people. There isn’t a large sense of tradition or deep family values in them, and that is on us. They love being around family and being together, but so far as understanding what that all means, they are lost.

Maybe I expect too much from them. Don’t parents always expect too much?