Day: March 15, 2015

At some point I forgot the teachings of the great Robert Downey Jr. who said, “You never go full retard.” At times I think I do. It starts with good intentions and a plan for betterment–either of myself or the boys (usually the boys)–and it ends with me going completely overboard while those involved become disengaged or disillusioned. I.e. the story of my life. As a result I get upset and develop truly unwieldy expectations for all manner of reality. This time my plans focused on the act of being a single dad, and yeah, I went full.

Buddha taught of balance in all things. I tend to eschew balance in exchange for the purity and drive of a single thing. For example, when I first became a single dad it was all about how much time I could spend with the boys on the days I had them. I’d abandon all else in terms of responsibility in hopes of finding moments of joy and connectedness with them franchise boys. This was not the greatest idea of my life. As a result I tried to do all sorts of fun stuff and quickly found myself broke with a trio of bored boys who wondered aloud, “What are we doing next time?” As if daddy time was a vacation from reality. It isn’t–It should and can not be that, because it is their reality 50% of the time. Not to mention the fact that I cannot keep up with the expectations of three boys below the age of eleven. I don’t have the wallet for that.

Full retard here meant not striking a balance and allowing them time to enjoy simple things and to work here with me in the house and on the house. It meant that making every moment as fun as possible was a mistake and one that I need to swiftly correct, because their expectations are out of whack. They took the fun at face value, wanting to jump from game to game instead of taking the necessary moment to clean up after themselves. In the moments I allowed it I helped them develop bad habits and made things harder on myself. I’ve spent a busy spring break week now correcting the behavior and righting that ship, but it led to another revelation: Focusing on fun has allowed them to slack on the outside work that made them into strong academics. Even the eldest (who is far from a fan of reading) quipped, “How come you don’t make us read anymore?”

Boys need balance. They realize the world has changed and they’ve rolled with it to a point. My point is that I have to be better in grounding them and making sure all the bases are covered here for learning. The school system remains a supplementary academic force in their lives for the most part. Learning once started at home, and if they are going to be successful beyond K-5, it has to start in the home yet again.

There will always be time for video games.

 

Some Thoughts:

1. As I move further away from birth I find myself embracing the concept of Anicca, or impermanence. I’ve started to view things as the way they are in this moment and how best to deal with that as opposed to things as the way they are and will be. Inwardly I view my own self as transitional, which is an important mindset to be in. It allows me to view tomorrow as opportunity instead of lasting curse.

 

It is different being a kid now. I cannot honestly remember a day of my childhood where I was so bored that I moped around the house all day complaining about how little there was to do. My childhood was defined and managed by my imagination, a force that compelled me to turn ordinary days into adventures. I could sit in my room for hours with a couple of G.I. Joe figures and spin a story that shook the pillars of the earth. When I finally scored an Atari I didn’t put that thing down for months. When the Commodore 64 came into my life I quickly progressed from playing to coding, never without something to occupy my brain space. Today I watched as a kid came over to our house and proceeded to behave like this was in fact the most boring location on the planet. My boys did little to dissuade him from this belief. Most agreed.

“There’s nothing to do here!” became a gathering cry and behaviors devolved into that of infants. They were bored. The thing that sunk my heart was there was a lot to do while they were busy being bored. We have bikes and skateboards and balls and a block teeming with kids. At home they have dozens of video games and three different consoles–not to mention the computers. Boredom should never happen, but it happens all the time.

I’ve tried diagnosing it. I’ve given them the rundown of everything in the house there is to do (in list form) and they constantly fire back with a chorus of no’s. These are not boring things in our house. I designed the place with kids in mind. We have different consoles and toys and a bounce house. There is all manner of things to do, but nothing they particularly want to do. I’m trying to imagine what it is like inside the mind of a modern kid, where imagination is a thing of the past and all there is to look forward to is what pretty colors and other distractions can be flashed in front of them. Kids are jaded and spoiled as of late–mine seem to be especially so.