Day: May 23, 2016

I think I finally understand what a mid-life crisis is. It is more of a question followed by a recognition than some spectacular event. You ask yourself, like in the movies, ‘is this as good as it gets?’ but the question isn’t about what you have or what you are currently ‘in to’ instead the question arises from a deeper place of fulfillment and wonder. All my life I have wanted things–cars, homes, friends, wealth. One by one I ticked many of these things off the list. I had the nice car and that made me happy for a while. I had the big house and that fulfilled me for a moment. Friends move in and out of my life, filling a void and filling me with stories and fascination and warmth. Wealth never came, but every so often I can live comfortably. Even now when I am as cash-strapped as I’ve been in multiple decades I still manage to at least maintain a level of leisure and pleasure for my kids. Here’s the thing though: none of that makes a life.

I woke up this morning thinking about these things and where I go from here and, above else, why it is so hard for me to write lately. It all led back to the dual horns of passion and purpose. That, I believe is the root of the mid-life crisis. The name is a misnomer, because it does not necessarily happen at the middle of your physical life, but occurs deep into your spiritual life when you recognize that being about something is more important than having things and making lots of money. I realized that I am not about the things I thought I was about. I love writing, that is for certain. I love teaching in the classroom and sharing that energy with my students. I have focused too much of my energy on the shell of those things. I’ve focused far too much energy worrying about if I get published or what kind of stuff I am writing or how popular my stuff is. Likewise I spend the majority of my teaching worrying about the nonsense that goes on outside of the classroom. Who are my friends at work? What do my colleagues think about me? Is anyone noticing the work I am doing? Am I involving myself in the culture of the faculty? The campus? What sort of name and reputation am I making for myself?

So, when I talk about midlife crisis I talk about the idea that these things are not what matters and what really matters is peeling away the shell and finding what you are passionate about and living for that.

Easier said than done, I suppose.

There are times where a writer just cannot write. I don’t understand what it is but there can be a wall. I sat here for thirty minutes trying to write on a project I am particularly blocked on and eventually just fell asleep in my chair. Two days ago I was full of words and ideas. What changed? Nothing, really. Nothing that I can mentally capture at least. I believe there is a time and place for things and really good writers are the ones who have mastered the when and how of Butt in Chair. I have not reached that pinnacle but I am going to keep trying and keep searching for that raw passion that seems to power these writers through days like this.

I think a part of it is how much I allow myself to just appreciate silence. I’ve noticed this in my kids as well. We don’t read nearly as much as a family should and they are the typical kids–always connected to some game or device be it digital or otherwise. The last time we took a road trip and I asked them to leave devices behind the complaints were endless. The baby sat in the backseat and straight pouted the entire time.

Part of this is also the fear of the blank page. In other words it is the fear of not actually having anything worthwhile to say or add to the subject. I especially feel that pain/fear as of late and allow distraction to creep into the process far too often. Sadly, it is a slump but not a permanent one.

Some Thoughts:

1. Nope. Nothing.