I think I finally understand what a mid-life crisis is. It is more of a question followed by a recognition than some spectacular event. You ask yourself, like in the movies, ‘is this as good as it gets?’ but the question isn’t about what you have or what you are currently ‘in to’ instead the question arises from a deeper place of fulfillment and wonder. All my life I have wanted things–cars, homes, friends, wealth. One by one I ticked many of these things off the list. I had the nice car and that made me happy for a while. I had the big house and that fulfilled me for a moment. Friends move in and out of my life, filling a void and filling me with stories and fascination and warmth. Wealth never came, but every so often I can live comfortably. Even now when I am as cash-strapped as I’ve been in multiple decades I still manage to at least maintain a level of leisure and pleasure for my kids. Here’s the thing though: none of that makes a life.
I woke up this morning thinking about these things and where I go from here and, above else, why it is so hard for me to write lately. It all led back to the dual horns of passion and purpose. That, I believe is the root of the mid-life crisis. The name is a misnomer, because it does not necessarily happen at the middle of your physical life, but occurs deep into your spiritual life when you recognize that being about something is more important than having things and making lots of money. I realized that I am not about the things I thought I was about. I love writing, that is for certain. I love teaching in the classroom and sharing that energy with my students. I have focused too much of my energy on the shell of those things. I’ve focused far too much energy worrying about if I get published or what kind of stuff I am writing or how popular my stuff is. Likewise I spend the majority of my teaching worrying about the nonsense that goes on outside of the classroom. Who are my friends at work? What do my colleagues think about me? Is anyone noticing the work I am doing? Am I involving myself in the culture of the faculty? The campus? What sort of name and reputation am I making for myself?
So, when I talk about midlife crisis I talk about the idea that these things are not what matters and what really matters is peeling away the shell and finding what you are passionate about and living for that.
Easier said than done, I suppose.