Day: February 9, 2018

The more I search the dark cosmos for the things that make me happy, the more I am convinced that they are already in my life. What I am learning is that ratio plays an important part in everything. I started thinking about this the other day when I was trying to measure the idea that pain is necessary in order to appreciate pain. I thought, yes but to what extent and regularity? And is this only a physical thing? If I was hurt by a person long ago, how long can I appreciate the pleasure of companionship before needing to experience pain again? It didn’t take long for my mind to decide things didn’t work quite that way–at least not for me. The idea of ratios felt more true. In other words, I couldn’t remember a time where everything in my life brought me absolute joy. There was always something that felt onerous. Often these things created a natural balance where, on the whole the things in my life were better than they were worse and the things that sucked gave me something to strive for. At my best I was incredibly happy in my work condition, writing with aplomb, super happy with my kids, coaching all star teams, heavily respected, making great money, treading water with my then wife, and not speaking to my family whatsoever. Note the last two pieces were not great. There isn’t room (or reason, perhaps?) for everything in life to be outstanding. Perhaps if everything is, the universe is going to come for you.

It did.

Now I am working towards something truly special and I am aware of the moving pieces and the opportunities. I even see the part of my life that has been a sacrifice in all of this, and I am completely fine with that. I understand that this is the part that must feel like pain in order to have the rest.

The flu is still trying to kill me, and apparently it has designs on my partner as well. She’s tough though, as am I. Of course it would be trying to take us out at this point, because life is giving us so many chances to find real and lasting happiness. The universe positively had to send a henchmen to screw things up a little. I mean, I am writing again (if only 30 min a day), I am coming around to understanding how I need to plan to make my finances work, and I am feeling really centered about how I want to parent moving forward. These things matter and normally eat at my psyche. Now it feels like their getting handled and I am slowly getting my shit back together and under control.

For the first time in a while I can see the image of that life best lived. I am feeling like a writer again. I am falling back into teaching. I feel like I’m not doing so much that I don’t have time to get anything done or even do anything well. This is definitely a shift and could be meaningful–if that flu don’t get me.

In the meanwhile I am excited to continue this pattern of growth and change. I don’t think I should explode into everything at once, but I’m about to institute a 30 minute rule for reading as well. This is beyond the standard audiobook ‘read’ I do every day to and from the office. This is about words on a page–a print page in my hands. I need to get back to that as well.

Some Thoughts:

1. The Trump Administration… Come on, man. We cannot be serious here. Even after a year I still feel like it is some kind of prank. I feel like we basically let Logan Paul run the country. Maybe one day we will…