Day: October 14, 2018

I have good days and bad days. On the good days everything clicks. I feel like the world is a good place for me and that I live in a good time. I feel the love from the people around me. I feel confident in my writing and the choices I’ve made in my life. On the bad days all of those things still exist, but a darkness creeps in around the edges. I feel listless.

Consider the etymology of that word. List-less or without list. The word list actually is an middle English way of saying desire. List in the modern parlance means tasks or chores, and it indicates that we are meant to relate our daily chores or tasks to desire. In other words we want to be doing something. Presently I don’t want to be doing anything though I have lists and lists of things that I should be doing. 

It is not that I feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities and precarious financial nature of my life. I’ve become so accustomed to being out of control in that sense that it feels normal–practical even–to be living in this fashion. Of course, the listlessness could be a subconscious (or more likely drain-based) response to the situation.

Last week I was in NYC. I felt that sense of listlessness for all of one evening. I could chalk that up to jetlag. However, here that low energy feels like a constant state of being, to which I argue that this may in fact be location or lifestyle based. 

The open speculation as to root cause is important. The writer part of me looks at it from a character perspective. In a sense I am diagnosing myself as a character and looking at life as story and figuring out the next steps that way. In another fashion the thinking helps to orient me in how I am actually feeling. Recognizing where I am when I am here is extremely important, because it helps me to understand the choices I make in this condition. 

Some Thoughts:

1. Been putting in some time on CODIV. The idea is to have a basic level of ability which makes me able to compete with my kids. They love this stuff. Video games represent their primary form of recreation (they consider sports a lifestyle and, in some cases, a future career, so not recreational but practical). I love playing with them and want to continue to see that be a part of our family life.

Today I watched my kid suck at football. It was, for me, a valuable life lesson both as a dad and really just as a human being. See, he was playing against arguably the worst football team in the league. His squad lost that game 18-6. It was closer than the score indicated, because for moments during the game he played hard. He was sick, but that isn’t even an excuse. The real issue to me was that he expected to win. He expected weak competition and he acted like it did not matter. 

This is how he behaves on a daily basis. He lowers himself to the level at which he plays, works, thinks, etc. I know exactly where he gets it. He is embodying the worst parts of me. He is taking them in and making them his own and living as that portion of myself and I hate it. I absolutely cannot stand excuse making and half efforts. Yet I am guilty of these things in my own life. I don’t choose it as my life course but there is enough of it that it has rubbed off on my children in the wrong way. 

So that is the lesson at play here: I cannot continue to be lazy and show them this person who doesn’t work hard, who doesn’t absolutely bring it in everything that he does, and still feigns success. I’m going to quote the Rock now: “Success isn’t always about greatness. It’s about consistency. Consistent hard work leads to success. Greatness will come.” He’s worked his ass off and hasn’t stopped working. He’s incredibly successful. He is absolutely not everyone’s favorite person, but he has built himself up and created the lifestyle and message and, yes, type of success he wanted. He did him and he worked hard to get there. Moreover, he doesn’t give a crap if you don’t like it or if you don’t care, because it ain’t about you. 

So, that is where I need to get back to. I need to get back to being the best version of me and putting in the work to do it. I’ve said it before on this very blog: The time for lazy and inefficient is over. It is grinding season.