Day: October 28, 2018

Back on day 91 I hit the quarter break on this year of change, but I really haven’t fallen into that break and that self reflection/realization until recently. This 3rd iteration of the rule was designed to be a journey into personal understanding about how and why I write as well as how I intend to move forward in my personal and professional life. There have been glimpses of revelation and movement largely lost under the deluge of responsibility (and neglected responsibility) that is my life. I meant to get it all fixed in a year, which is clearly ambitious and more difficult than I thought it could be. Now I’m at the point of being resigned to certain things, and recognizing the likely irreparable damage I’ve done to parts of my life.

To begin, I have made mistakes and failures in many areas that have eroded the trust and faith that others have in me. That’s a real problem in more than one part of my life. Winning back that trust is not a realistic option. After so long you can’t change someone’s faith in you, instead I have to adjust to the new reality and strike a balance between making all the changes possible (both professional and personal) and hoping those adjustments lead to something better.

I don’t know what the future holds for me beyond more of a grind. I have a long way to go before I reach anything that feels like where I thought I was headed a few years ago. in the next 200 plus days maybe I can figure out a plan and a direction towards where I ought to be heading. 

My eldest son just came back from his first High School homecoming dance. Lets reflect for a minute on the fact that I have a son in High School and that he’s going to homecoming. It has been an incredibly long time since I was a freshman, but I remember clearly that life fast-forwarded from the moment I hit HS till my mid 20’s. Talk about a blur. Seeing my boy enter into this period of life is satisfying and strangely terrifying. He is going to fall in love. He is going to find out who he is. He is going to fail at things and succeed at other things. This is his time of trials. This is his coming of age story.

We don’t get to talk about mine. It is very sad and fragmented. It is story fuel and why I tend to script fantasy novels about communities in isolation. Like every other writer, I’m probably trying to work some shit out. 

What I am working out in my life right now is twofold. I’m trying to strike a balance in my personal life and a return to some sort of happiness. I am seeking a taste of professional passion–specifically for the words. I believe the two things are connected. Once I get right in my heart I can get right in my head. 

Some Thoughts:

1. Just breathe.