Day: December 22, 2018

Fitting that I didn’t post the blog last night. I was overwhelmed by a great many things. To begin, break has begun and the kids are totally jazzed about xmas being around the corner. Me, not so much. I haven’t gotten all the gifts, I have no real plan on how to spend the time with them, I haven’t finished the work I need to do pre xmas, and did I mention gifts?

This is not supposed to be a stress-filled time but, here we are. So, it is no surprise I only hit publish one time and clapped the laptop shut before diving into an episode of God Friended Me with the boys (we do love our shows). The moment was indicative of two things: First, the double tap publish is not intuitive. You can always unpublish or delete, BTW. So, why do I have to hit it twice?! It makes me look unfocused, which I am. So, stop exposing me. Second, as I said, I’m unfocused. I wasn’t sitting down to the ritual of writing. I was trying to squeeze in ten minutes so I can feel accomplished and go kick it with my kids. 

So, that there is the real trouble. I’m not living that life I just talked about wanting to have. I’m still diving from cave to cave and watching the rest of the world turn to dust in the interim. In other words, I need to get back to balance. 

Funny… I’m not sure I know what that really looks like. I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen it. 

It has been one of those crazy kind of pre-christmas seasons. I’m not talking politics or world events but the crazy in my own life. I’ve come to a particular set of understandings: 

1. I am in love in a way I have never experienced before, which is both deeply fulfilling and terrifying.
2. I am actually interested in becoming a better teacher. This is a rare condition for someone with tenure. I should be, according to stereotype, checked completely out.
3. I want to put more focus on the blog and thus the writing career and recognize that the two are in fact part of the same lifestyle.
4. I’m not dedicated to building a creative writing program at my college without monetary compensation. I should feel differently about that situation, because the more I build a program, the more classes I can teach. Still, the urge is not really there. Maybe I don’t want to teach 16 week CRW classes any longer? Maybe I just don’t care for the politics of the thing.
5. I want things to be better with my kids. I want a home life that makes me feel good about being with my kids and proud of the time we spend together. That is not happening. Hell, I’m not at all proud of my home itself.
6. I want to manage my time better instead of falling into things and drowning in them to the point where once I emerge everything else has been forgotten… or messed up.
7. I always want to leave one blank.