Month: March 2019

We’re back on sports again. I recently watched an exciting march madness game (F. Dickinson) and was instantly renewed. I have a passion for the sports I watch on TV. It is more than the process of deciding you have allegiance to one team or another. I care less about teams than I do about people. I follow players more than I follow teams, so when Dickinson’s PG, Jhalil Jenkins absolutely went off in the 2nd half, I was hooked. It was enough to remember why people love sports.

I love the Giants. I love the players and the team in the way a fan loves a team and it’s players. I am supremely excited to see Barkley do his thing this year. I am deeply saddened and actually hurt by the departure of Bekham. Still, I get it. Football is a business and this was clearly a business decision. So now I am here in the last throws of combine fatigue trying to guess at who the G-men will pick. I hope they get some pieces to add to the puzzle of a flagging offense.

One thing I do know is that I am ready for football. We decided late late in the game to participate in the spring season. This is the last spring season for us it seems. Only one kid is able to play moving forward, and since he did this spring I want him to take time off next spring. It is more likely than not that we will be dialing back our sports participation and altering our lifestyle in some very basic ways that do not include me being involved in sports at nearly the level of attachment I have been thus far. Bittersweet.

Still, I am excited to watch those who continue playing grow and excited to see what is next for me.

257 days ago I was afforded the chance to start over. I was given a second chance to make good on an old promise to get my life right and get my life with my partner together. Last night I realized how much work I still have to do. Some things have changed/evolved. Other things are as mythological as they always were.

If anything this is a blog about what it means to be a good partner. I know a lot about being a good partner, because I have never been one. It is clear now that I am primarily a selfish creature who operates on his own clock and has certain no-zones that are unflappable. This has led to a great deal of hurt and suffering for the people locked into my life. If I were a less selfish man I would be single, childless, and live in a small, dimly lit apartment with strong enough internet to allow me to post but not any real two way communication.

I’ve always carried this joke around that every family has the one black sheep/ass and if you can’t figure out who that is then it is probably you. Recognition is an incredibly strong drug. In other words, it is me and that is hitting me hard in the gut.

So I am here trying to figure out how to move forward under the awareness of what is and what I’ve become for a number of the people in my life. It is a difficult truth to face. It is even more difficult to understand what to do in light of the truth. I’ve openly considered emptying out all of the accounts I can access and simply running into darkness. Only, running from things is just another heightened form of selfishness. Perhaps the best plan is to make sure that everyone is well cared for, healthy, and happy first and then when the structure of support is built to simply slip away. It is probably what I should’ve done in the first place.

I’ve decided on nothing, but I will allow myself a moment to let clearer heads prevail.

I’m doing it early folks. I’m doing it sporadically at best, because we are deep into the off season and there is little news to arrive out of the free agency stream. Still, this gem from Gettleman has me interested. Some of it reflects what I’ve been saying about Eli all along, but we can file that one under cognitive reinforcement. I thought the part about getting more pieces for 1 piece was really telling. He’s not wrong. I think OBJ is a top 5 receiver in the league. I also think he is off the field nearly as much as he is on it. That leaves me thinking that he would benefit from an offense that didn’t rely so much on him to move the rock and that an offense that did rely on him would benefit from having a lot more weapons.

Now, what will the Giants do with all that draft capital? I honestly do not know. They could go get Josh Rosen in a trade (they picked up a 3rd rounder they could send to AZ for that QB) and let him learn behind Eli, but I don’t believe that is what is going down. I get the sense that they have a guy in mind and they feel they can get him at 17 vs 6. This means they could use 6 for other things. I personally made that mistake in Madden. Apples to oranges, I suppose, but in both instances it was a matter of not having the understanding of what other teams really wanted to do in the draft and not recognizing how weak the draft class actually was.

Now I don’t agree with the pundits about the weakness of the QB class. They base their opinion on film, but the film fails to indicate how these QBs will perform in an NFL offense with the right pieces around them. Football outsiders has an algorithm that statistically beats the NFL and the media in predicting QB success (yes, they are the media, but I am speaking about the media outside of this stats based group). This group also agrees that Sam Darnold was trash. That matters because most pundits are still saying the Giants should’ve taken him at #2.

The overall point is that the Giants are not DOA. in fact they have life after supposed death and a chance to put together a defense like the DC wants and an O built around the concepts of the OC. This could be good.

I can hope, at least.

I’m not terribly old, but if my younger self saw me now he’d be like, “You are o-l-d.” Yeah. I am not as mad about that as I thought I would be at this point. While I have yet to figure out how to reverse or even slow aging, I am coming around to the concept of maintaining what I’ve got by trying to stay mentally and physically active. That is a hard lesson, because being active used to be part of what I did. Now it feels like another job I need to pull off just to stay at the level of discomfort I’m presently at.

This sounds like a woe is me blog. It isn’t. You see, I am a black man, and the rate of heart attack and heart disease is much higher for my skin tone than of the others who populate these United States. So, statistically I’m screwed anyhow. I’m happy to be enjoying not being in the state that so many others are. I’m happy to recognize how fortunate my life has been. I’m healthy-ish, I’m loved by a wonderful family, and my stresses are manageable. Life is good. Now that isn’t a challenge to the universe to screw me. Instead I’m only indicating that I realize how good I have it and that I need to do something with the life I have been provided. That means I need to write and I need to empower others to both write and publish.

I’m making that my goal for the year.

I want this year’s big goal to be to create a sustainable writing opportunity for community college students. In other words, I want to reboot a lit journal and get it going.

Some Thoughts:

1. I haven’t been to the gym in nearly 10 months. That’s $270 wasted membership dollars for the fatboy.

Today I spent the morning sitting in the sun watching and occasionally filming my boys playing football at an exposure camp. It was a reminder of how serious people can be about the game. My 11 yr old who is a grade up found himself playing against kids who were much older while his teammates and brother played against a younger selection. This meant he was basically drowned out. He looked good, but he often looked like he was struggling to keep up with the larger and faster kids. On the other hand, his brother shone. Just not enough. He was not named MVP. He did not get any special team or camp invites. Neither boy did though their teammates clearly did.

This is a good moment for everyone involved. It is a reminder that they need to work hard to get what they want. It is also a reminder that I cannot ensure success for my kids. It is not up to me to spend my life making their lives right. That is the argument of balance. There is also the argument of fun in that too. I really have enjoyed working with them for the last few days trying to get them ready to show out at this combine and be ready for the upcoming season.

I want to find a balance in all of this and part of that means sitting down with my partner and deciding how much longer I am going to coach. I don’t have a real answer there. What I do know is that I want to see the boys be successful, and it is up to them and not me to see that achieved.

Some Thoughts:

1. Thinking about Mr. Nightmare’s page. I fell asleep listening to his Youtube videos this afternoon and find myself thinking about writing up a story to share with him. Maybe.
2. Figuring out what to do for myself for my bday. I want a new macbook (used, of course) and a chair.

Rough evening last night. I could feel my heart beating incredibly fast at several points during the night and it forced me into self reflection on my life. I am not one who is big on regrets. I believe I could have done a lot of things much much better and wound up in a different place than where I am now. I suppose one version of the afterlife is being able to restart from different points of that decision tree and explore new branches. Given how little I understand about the very concept and or nature of reality, who knows how real or possible that is (for example, why or even HOW does reality exist? What exists outside of it?)? But I digress. The moments of reflection reminded me that I still have much to do in this life and much to atone for. I’ve failed a lot of people often just through stubbornness and believing that I have to do X, Y or Z. I’ve been a selfish partner, selfish parent, selfish lover, and even a selfish friend. I’m left to wonder how much of that is purely my nature, how much is laziness (what is laziness anyhow?) and how much of it is just straight up fear–fear of change, of challenge, of success, of failure?

I am certain that I have forever ruined certain aspects of my partnership through my behaviors. I am equally certain that I am quite rudderless–wandering towards a destination that I should be fine tune steering towards.

Last night I watched yet another movie written by my high school classmate and thought again how he was able to solidly capitalize on his energy and his talent where I have floundered in a misguided effort to be liked and appreciated by small minded people or focused on ‘buffing’ my kids to be more successful than myself. The ‘buff’ does not upset me in the fashion that the floundering still does. I’ve wasted so much time and talent worrying about what other people think and feel that I know it has hamstrung my success everywhere I’ve been.

Now I am here, worrying about a heart that beats too fast and a soul that moves too slowly.

Recently my partner questioned my process. I am grateful for her and her thoughts and suggestions every day. My process has been 1000 new words on a draft a day. I’ve been at this for 18 days as of last night and the result has been well over 18,000 words of a story that is contracted for 20k. The issue came up because I have only 3-5 (haven’t decided) chapters remaining of that novella, which means it is going to end in the coming week. Now the book is not done. The 1000 words merely paints inside the lines of the chapter. It needs to be refined and redrawn and more. So, the question is what now?

We talked it out (though I am not entirely sure she always recognized when I am listening–that’s definitely something I am not clear about). I will continue putting down 1000 a day for the rest of my remaining days (I’m so damn morbid as of late… there’s gotta be something to that). However, I won’t move on from this story. I will add to the routine and continue putting an hour or more into the polishing of the novella in addition to the 1k requirement. The 1k will be part of the next story and the next and the next. My biggest problem as a writer has always been that once I finish a story it takes forever to wind back up again. This way I no longer need to worry about the wind up (or wind down) because I am still chugging along on something. I am still firing with all cylinders towards the next project.

This is the way I wrote as a carefree kid who had all the time in the world and not enough games (or platforms) to fill that void. Now I have begun to move my life in the direction where the primary focus is writing on the professional level and that helps tremendously.

Some Thoughts:

1. Recently returned from a vacation–a respite from the desert if you will. Great time was had on the beach and I continue to see that as a home away from home and a chance to fall into a simpler (video game reduced) routine with my partner and with my kids.
2. Speaking of games and gaming: I’m going to play for the rest of my life. Nobody is stopping me from playing, of course, but when I think about what really matters to me long term I find that games are top 5. I slip away in games the way I slip away in story. Games can be story but interactive.
3. Honestly, I hope I live long enough to see VR MMORPG fully realized. I’d like to appreciate that before I go.

Recently I climbed aboard the hype train. I’ve been coaching my kids and watching them grow as athletes for years. I have always felt they were top flight contenders, in spite of some other coaches downplaying the abilities of two of the three boys. The middle kid has always been the one everyone raved about, and when the eldest hit High School last year I full expected he was going to show up, get playing time, and be one of the better players. He was not. Turns out those coaches were right and he ended up being sorted into the lowest group in almost everything he tried. This left me wondering where I went wrong as a dad and a coach. Why was it he couldn’t get on the field to prove himself? How did he wind up being such an average to below average player/athlete? Well, one thought is that he is merely an okay athlete who excelled because he was surrounded by trash competition. Related to that is he didn’t get enough exposure and confidence to build him into a dominant force. The final answer is he doesn’t have it in him–not now and perhaps not ever. These three answers led me down the short flight of steps into the underground world of Youth Football Promotion. The machine exists largely because the parents (like me) exist. The machine promotes kids as future D1 talents though it comes at a huge cost both in time and money.

The High Schooler is at the point where he needs to work it out on his own. Once he started freshman year I switched my efforts to the younger two. My job–my goal–is to prepare them for the world of high school sports and to get them enough exposure to be able to have a chance to play at the high school level–or at least to be noticed by the coaches enough to get a fair shake in practice. I don’t feel the High schooler got that. In truth I was told by some of the other coaches that he did not.

So how is that done? These days it means having an instagram feed for your athlete and going to exposure camps and playing on all star teams. At least, that is what they want you to believe. The machine exists as a hype engine to promote both your kid and itself as a way to get your kid to play other top kids. However, the machine means constantly checking feeds and paying exorbitant fees for camps. Here is one example. My mid-kid was invited to participate in the ‘Invitation Only’ USA football National Team workouts. That would give him an opportunity to play in the National Team game pitting all the best players against each other–in theory. The camp costs $200 for a 2-day experience of running drills led by NCAA coaches. I feel like that would be very useful for a high school Jr. Still seeking scholarships, but a 7th grader?

I’ve seen the hype train and I am not getting on it. I did the instagram and we may do an all star team just as fun family jaunt to Cali over the summer, but this week in week out grind of camps and publicity is too much. I’m not entirely ducking out on getting my kids some good film, but I am out on promoting them like an agent.

I don’t have a clue what the Giants are thinking. You let a pro bowl safety walk away and then trade away the most popular player on the team and one of the top WRs in the league for a couple of draft picks and… a safety? To say I feel the Giants have gone full crazy would be a bit premature. I believe they have the appearance of insanity and are reinforcing what people said last year: The Barkley pick was a waste based on these hot QBs.

First of all, Barkley was an excellent pick. He is the kind of rare talent that OBJ is… that means do not trade him! I don’t believe they will. I feel like the OBJ trade was about coach feeling that Beckham hurt the locker room and had too much power in a space where a new QB needs to come in and gain ground quickly. It could also have been about the injuries. I think we will see Odell explode this year in that offense with that WR Coach.

But what happens to the Giants?

This is a team with a lot of draft capital, but not a team with a direction. Maybe the Rosen trade is a real thing and they can handle that while using early picks for transcendental players. Maybe they get N’Keal Harry and change their stars. Who knows? All I know is that there is a new factory of sadness and they call it Metlife Stadium.

Today I had to remind a student that there is little difference between myths and religions. I argued, that mythologies are “dead religions” much in the way that latin is a “dead language” these things existed and thrived for people of another generation and they were as real and important to them as monotheistic religion is to us. She also argued that myths are superseded by science and had people of that era had science they would not have attributed the things they attribute to their Gods. I didn’t say what I wanted to say, but next time I will write: We have science now. Yet in spite of this the overwhelming majority still believe in an All-father who takes the shape of a man.

It is natural to think they way you see the world is somehow better than the way it is seen by others. It is natural and it is a false construct we design purely out of ego and necessity. After all, who wants to feel like they are wrong or believe in something silly all of the time? That has to be demoralizing. So instead we form a sort of mental hierarchy or shield ourselves from the possibility of wrongness. I believe this is becoming more and more polarizing in the age of modern communication when all the people who see things one way can be a finger swipe away from legion. Remember the days when a flat earther was a lone idiot? How about an anti-vaccer? Because we have modernized communication to the point of being able to see people across the planet instantly, it is easier to find people with shared beliefs. Those beliefs are a powerful uniting force.