257 days ago I was afforded the chance to start over. I was given a second chance to make good on an old promise to get my life right and get my life with my partner together. Last night I realized how much work I still have to do. Some things have changed/evolved. Other things are as mythological as they always were.
If anything this is a blog about what it means to be a good partner. I know a lot about being a good partner, because I have never been one. It is clear now that I am primarily a selfish creature who operates on his own clock and has certain no-zones that are unflappable. This has led to a great deal of hurt and suffering for the people locked into my life. If I were a less selfish man I would be single, childless, and live in a small, dimly lit apartment with strong enough internet to allow me to post but not any real two way communication.
I’ve always carried this joke around that every family has the one black sheep/ass and if you can’t figure out who that is then it is probably you. Recognition is an incredibly strong drug. In other words, it is me and that is hitting me hard in the gut.
So I am here trying to figure out how to move forward under the awareness of what is and what I’ve become for a number of the people in my life. It is a difficult truth to face. It is even more difficult to understand what to do in light of the truth. I’ve openly considered emptying out all of the accounts I can access and simply running into darkness. Only, running from things is just another heightened form of selfishness. Perhaps the best plan is to make sure that everyone is well cared for, healthy, and happy first and then when the structure of support is built to simply slip away. It is probably what I should’ve done in the first place.
I’ve decided on nothing, but I will allow myself a moment to let clearer heads prevail.