Rough evening last night. I could feel my heart beating incredibly fast at several points during the night and it forced me into self reflection on my life. I am not one who is big on regrets. I believe I could have done a lot of things much much better and wound up in a different place than where I am now. I suppose one version of the afterlife is being able to restart from different points of that decision tree and explore new branches. Given how little I understand about the very concept and or nature of reality, who knows how real or possible that is (for example, why or even HOW does reality exist? What exists outside of it?)? But I digress. The moments of reflection reminded me that I still have much to do in this life and much to atone for. I’ve failed a lot of people often just through stubbornness and believing that I have to do X, Y or Z. I’ve been a selfish partner, selfish parent, selfish lover, and even a selfish friend. I’m left to wonder how much of that is purely my nature, how much is laziness (what is laziness anyhow?) and how much of it is just straight up fear–fear of change, of challenge, of success, of failure?
I am certain that I have forever ruined certain aspects of my partnership through my behaviors. I am equally certain that I am quite rudderless–wandering towards a destination that I should be fine tune steering towards.
Last night I watched yet another movie written by my high school classmate and thought again how he was able to solidly capitalize on his energy and his talent where I have floundered in a misguided effort to be liked and appreciated by small minded people or focused on ‘buffing’ my kids to be more successful than myself. The ‘buff’ does not upset me in the fashion that the floundering still does. I’ve wasted so much time and talent worrying about what other people think and feel that I know it has hamstrung my success everywhere I’ve been.
Now I am here, worrying about a heart that beats too fast and a soul that moves too slowly.