Month: June 2019

There is something about this Generation’s Heroes that is making the world suck. God, I know I sound like my parents when I say that, but there is some reality there. I’m specifically referencing the Youtubers. I’ve watched my boys go from smart and fair gamers who accept loss with dignity to screaming haters who assume every loss is rooted in some sort of hack or cheat. Watching the ‘tube shows they watch explains it to me–that is all these you tube gamers do. They complain and scream and act out and that behavior trickles down to my kids who somehow think it is okay.

It isn’t.

I’m tired of having to correct behaviors based on crap they see on the tube (said every parent ever). Yet I appreciate the social persuasion of such things. The tube is their ‘cable tv’ and they have greater access to it than I had to the TV when I was a kid. They are programmed by it and the programming sucks. I’m fighting to help them realize how unreal that world is as well as teaching them that hard work is what breeds success, not likes. It is a long and tiring battle with many losses along the way.

Ultimately they’ll figure it out–or they will just get popular on social media and wind up filthy rich and lazy.

Some Thoughts:

1. Unstable Unicorns might be my favorite new game.
2. Added a gate at the base of my stairs for pet purposes (separate the dog and cat). Sadly I did forget to leave the stair light on and crashed into the low gate. Ouch.
3. 111+ in AZ. It’s so hot that the ground is starting to look wavy.
4. Tournament ended in Cali the way it always was going to end. The Argos won, but my boy wasn’t there to hoist a trophy. All good though. He gets this fall season and then he is done forever with the youth tackle.
5. I need a haircut.

Tomorrow has to be better.

When the day fades into a succession of failures all you are left with is the hope that the next day can turn things around. For the most part things actually got better as the day went on. There was the big bad news in the morning that upended my life like an earthquake followed by a succession of ripples throughout the afternoon and evening. By 6pm the level of ‘bad news day’ had dwindled. The worst news was a swarm of crickets coating the doorway of my Walmart as I tried to enter (seriously, there were at least a hundred and it was gross). Inside the store I found the TV I bought on sale for 198 on deeper sale for 149. Then the event my kids were going to ended 2 and a half hours early, shattering the hopes for a quiet evening to myself.

This was easily the best part of the bad day. I did slam my foot into a pet fence later on, nearly shattering a toe, but that too was minor. I’m going to stick to that ‘minor’ line, because I very much need tomorrow to be better.

Some Thoughts:

1. There is no such thing as a sure thing.
2. Despite the, well, everything, I’m still gonna be the optimistic sort.
3. My 12 yr old just finished his freshman HS math class with a high enough grade to make sophomore honors math next year. I’m all kinds of proud.
4. Hmm.. that means the little one is the only one not totally rocking out in school.
5. I need to escape to the woods still… and soon.

What if life fell into neat categories of ability. What if Aces were recognized as the pinnacle of ability in any one thing–but just that one thing? What if Kings and Queens were the lesser form of that Ace level of ability? Would Jacks then be as the saying goes, skillful in all things?

Charlene Dargay writes in Qoura, ““A jack of all trades is a master of none, but oftentimes better than a master of one.” Formerly intended as a compliment, the phrase means that a person is a generalist rather than a specialist, versatile and adept at many things.” She goes on to suggest that the term has become more derogatory in this era where we view singular mastery as a key goal vs. being skillful in all things. In my own life that argument resonates more and more as I continue to recognize that I am a Jack vs. a King or an Ace. Then again, there is a second argument in place here: What about Jokers?

In this line of vernacular I suggest a Joker is much like a Jack, but if they choose to doggedly focus on one particular area, they become as skilled as an Ace. This then leaves the rest of the skillset to wane as though they were indeed an Ace in one area. Yet, once they release focus, they can become something else entirely.

Over the past few weeks I have been thinking about my coaching life and how close to the end of that stage I actually am. I’ve never given full focus to the cause and I don’t feel the need to at this point. In truth, I have a sense that I could have been very good at that had I chosen that path. Likewise, if I actually executed Butt In Chair, my writing ability would flower dramatically. Therefore, it is possible that I am not a Jack but instead a Joker who, in his inability to seize one thing has fallen to the common ranks of a number card.

I believe it is within reason and ability to rise back up; to ascend the ladder of talent and, with the proper application of time, be really good at what I do. What I choose to do is write. I just need to do it.

Started from the bottom again. Lately its the thoughts that get the ball rolling. I feel like that is indicative of where I am at mentally. Had a realization today in a conversation with my partner. I’m off more than I’m on–especially when it comes to writing. Those moments in the zone are amazing and priceless and if I could stay there more often I’d be a straight up killer. Not a killer right now. Maybe it is me carrying too much stress with no real outlet (cannot write about this stuff). Maybe it is a series of bad inputs (read: bad TV and few paper books). Who knows?

Recently I had a terrible and terrifying experience with scorpions. The lady who helped me out walked me through an exercise of understanding in which she compared the scorpion problem to a medical condition. She talked about spraying as if it were medicating and argued that you cannot spray until you know what the disease is–i.e. reading the symptoms.

In my present state the symptoms are lethargy, uncertainty of how to balance and apply my time, lack of clarity in role and responsibility, and anomie. In sum, I feel like I don’t know what to do to make myself happy and I feel that everyone around me has a different experience with me being happy and they default to those actions and experiences as the way to go. Maybe it isn’t. But what is?

Some Thoughts:

1. I still feel that sense of loss at not being at the championships in Cali. We didn’t have a chance–well, we would have had a chance with the Argos but as it stands we did not go and I’m a bit sad about the entire thing. Not just the football but the nights on the beach is much missed and needed.
2. I’ll be equally sad if I don’t get to run that offense in the fall. It is almost finished and looking sexy.
3. Yes, I said a youth football offense was sexy. It felt like a better fit than the outmoded ‘svelt’.

My partner is moaning softly as she watches her kids devolve into insanity. It is not the common form of crazy–at least it was not. This crazy that is eating away at her basic understanding of the universe is the skin crazy. Her boys are buying skins for fortnite. These boys who once argued about the stupidity of skins in general have become buyers themselves. I used to be the one who interacted with them about this stuff, but she was out in the living room when it went down and she is crestfallen. She should be. Hard earned wealth squandered on a useless bit of fortnite currency. Not just useless but meaningless as well.

Skins are a big business. They are the reason that fortnite, a free to play game, makes a billion plus every year. That is with a B. Most of the money comes from micro transactions over cosmetic items that players can wear in order to form a sort of social hierarchy. It is stupid, but as a sociologist it makes total sense to me. The sad part is that most players equate value to these skins when there is no actual value or purpose to them outside the value they themselves place upon them. You can play just as well with a default skin as with any other. In fact, certain rare skins make you a target as it argues that you are quite good at the game or have played for a long time.

Skins are dumb, but they and the meaning behind them are here to stay. That bugs me

I started this blog with the Some Thoughts section, because I had something I needed to say down there. I didn’t have much to say up here though. I can say that I took a break from writing to put this piece together. So, I am writing. That is a plus. On the minus end, I am really bored. More to the point, I don’t know how to spend time with family the way family wants. I feel as though I need to be more of the cruise director in my relationship and find cool stuff to do. I do not think she feels that way, but I know she knows I am bored of my day to day. That old Neruda feeling is washing over me as he argues how sick he is of being a man. How he walks ‘into tailorshops and movie houses dried up, waterproof, like a swan made of felt steering my way in a water of wombs and ashes.’ How, ‘the smell of barbershops makes me break into hoarse sobs.’

Perhaps less melancholy but forever moreso drawn away from the daily grind and crunch of this mediocre life. I have in this life a powerful love and a family I can grasp with both hands and feel full. I do not have a way to show them a world that is more than this and less than this steady stream of bad reality boxed in phone screens and the ubiquitous rattle of digitized machine gun fire.

I very much need to get away. I need to get us all away.

Some Thoughts:

1. Being honest with myself, I feel bad for not getting my youngest kid involved with a top level youth football program like Tech-U Wolves or Chandler Bears. I regret it, but not as much as I would regret the level of commitment I would need to make to see that through.
2. Why not the others? They don’t need that push. They are who they are at whatever level they play at. He’s not that guy. He’s a floater. By that I mean he sinks to the level of the competition or rises to the level. It needs to be beaten out of him. Maybe then it is best he is where he is, so he can start to focus inward on his own love and potential.
3. Speaking of potential, I’m back in the gym and feeling really good about the possibilities. Back still hurt after, and I need to wonder if that is at least in part mental now.

For all intents and purposes this is the last week of my summer vacation. It sucks. I was supposed to be in California right now on the beach post youth football game. I was supposed to go somewhere and do something. None of that actually went down. I didn’t write nearly as much as planned and a sickening despondency collapsed my self worth. Yep, it was a not the summer of my dreams.

Here is the thing: I can power through all of this. I need to.

I’ve been in a rut for far too long and it is a very good sign that I am going back to the daily grind, because it gives me a sense of structure that rescues me from the hours of Minecraft and NBA 2K that have absorbed my sense of self and in that my sense of self worth. I need to get back on track with a lot of things and I feel like I have it in me to do that–to stay focused and get back to work.

And I have to.

I said that before but I am repeating it here because I believe I have a story–many–to tell and I cannot do that without butt in chair. On the bright side I am developing a new office over the next month and a new space may be exactly what I need to cement the change. Change is good. Change is needed.

Some Thoughts:

1. Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise in the octagon. Why? I don’t care enough to really unravel this, but it is the stupid kind of funny that made Jackass work.
2. NFL needs to hurry up and start. Just start.
3. Dogs are hairy. Real damn hairy.
4. In spite of this I want another dog.
5. I’m less excited about the youth football season, because I don’t know my role or my team. That lack of information is balanced against the understanding that I’ve backed off a lot of the football stuff (remember we were supposed to spend a week in Cali and the entire summer doing two and three a week practices for said tourney). I haven’t traded in the football stuff for anything useful though. I ought to find a way to do that.
6. Beyond all that, life rocks.
7. Feels pretty good to come around to writing that down.

The other day I watched a so-called viral video of parents beating the hell out of each other at a youth baseball game. Let me be more clear about this: the players in the actual game were 7 yr olds. Still the level of stress and how much at stake was so great that grown men came to blows.

This stuff matters to people. I argue that it should not matter so much. I argue that from the position of a failed collegiate athlete who is knowingly trying to put his kids in a position where they can succeed where he did not. Yeah, 3rd person happened right there, so we are going to move on…

Seriously though, this stuff has gotten out of hand. I was supposed to be driving my kids to California this morning so they can play in a youth all star game. I was going to stay in cali for the entire week (at crazy cost) so they could play in a so-called national championship. I didn’t do that and I have not been on the practice grind for a while now and I must admit it feels odd. It feels both empty and satisfying. It feels like I’m watching my kids fall behind all of these other athletes working so much harder than them with their private training. How do I know? I see it on Instagram. All the kids have pages and they post about all kinds of events they are doing. So, why aren’t we? Simply put, I’m not going to hand my life over to sports.

I get that there is a period between August and November where every Saturday is about football. In that same period there are school sports a plenty and, for all intents and purposes, I am spending 4 nights a week involved in sports for at least 2 hrs a night. That type of thing drives a wedge deep into my relationship and it sucks that it does. Still, I am not on the end of the spectrum (and won’t be) of having it dominate my entire existence.

I’m going to be about sports for a few months. I’m going to be involved as a dad and likely a coach for a few months. I am no longer going to make it a year round thing because I see what it is for everyone in that grind and I will not make that commitment.

Does that mean my kids get left behind? I doubt it. Athleticism is what it is and they will find an opportunity to express that. However, if that is all there is for these boys and that is all there is for me, then we are doing ourselves a great disservice, because that is not all we choose to be.

1. Day 365 is swiftly approaching. I don’t really know what I’ve learned. Contemplative reflection is needed.
2. May not matter if I figure things out. We may wind up in a war and it all goes to hell from there.
3. Le’Veon Bell was robbed. Normally I would not care, but man is this one funny. The suspects were both naked in bed with him the night before. He left and left them and they later left and left him with nothing. Come on, man! You don’t leave a harem in your house. You shouldn’t have a harem in the first place, fool!
4. Netflix dropped the final Stranger Things 3 trailer… and quietly released Jessica Jones.
5. This phoenix police video of a stop needs to be seen by a lot more people. Cops are human. Sometimes they aren’t very good humans regardless of the badge. The 24 yr vet at the center of the storm is Officer Christopher Meyer. He makes close to 75k a year for a largely thankless job and, according to reports, has been exceedingly violent for some years now. He needs to be done. Burn out happens. It happens more in a high stress situation. He needs to go.
6. This other situation here is a much clearer indication of what cops should do in a situation. Somehow the cop was considered out of line here. However, I believe the cop did the right thing and acted extremely intelligently in the situation. The first situation isn’t that at all.

I spent a few hours this evening playing Minecraft and I cannot for the life of me explain why. It is the time when I listen to audio books, and I dearly enjoy that. Still, I cannot honestly explain what I am trying to achieve on the craft. There was one world in which I was happily building the Dark Tower. This is not that world. I ought to go back to that world where I am not bogged down by the need to believe that I can fully build out particular cities and castles and (then do what with them?) find some measure of completion in that act.

The tower mattered (and perhaps still does) because it gave me a monotonous thing to craft while I listened. Now it seems I am listening for an excuse to craft. This is all backwards.

I really should just be writing.

I’m not, obviously. Instead I am worrying about the increasing risk of war with Iran, and what it means if the president backs down (as he has apparently begun to do). I am thinking about the NBA draft, what other video games to play, the design phase upcoming for my next office situation (thinking about solar power), anything but words on a page. That is a problem indeed.

Some Thoughts:

1. Speaking of that draft, the Knicks got Barrett. He’s not gonna be good.
2. Meanwhile the Pelicans walked off with multiple first rounders and wound up being the recipients of Zion and the top center. Not a bad haul indeed.