Started from the bottom again. Lately its the thoughts that get the ball rolling. I feel like that is indicative of where I am at mentally. Had a realization today in a conversation with my partner. I’m off more than I’m on–especially when it comes to writing. Those moments in the zone are amazing and priceless and if I could stay there more often I’d be a straight up killer. Not a killer right now. Maybe it is me carrying too much stress with no real outlet (cannot write about this stuff). Maybe it is a series of bad inputs (read: bad TV and few paper books). Who knows?
Recently I had a terrible and terrifying experience with scorpions. The lady who helped me out walked me through an exercise of understanding in which she compared the scorpion problem to a medical condition. She talked about spraying as if it were medicating and argued that you cannot spray until you know what the disease is–i.e. reading the symptoms.
In my present state the symptoms are lethargy, uncertainty of how to balance and apply my time, lack of clarity in role and responsibility, and anomie. In sum, I feel like I don’t know what to do to make myself happy and I feel that everyone around me has a different experience with me being happy and they default to those actions and experiences as the way to go. Maybe it isn’t. But what is?
Some Thoughts:
- I still feel that sense of loss at not being at the championships in Cali. We didn’t have a chance–well, we would have had a chance with the Argos but as it stands we did not go and I’m a bit sad about the entire thing. Not just the football but the nights on the beach is much missed and needed.
- I’ll be equally sad if I don’t get to run that offense in the fall. It is almost finished and looking sexy.
- Yes, I said a youth football offense was sexy. It felt like a better fit than the outmoded ‘svelt’.