I started this blog with the Some Thoughts section, because I had something I needed to say down there. I didn’t have much to say up here though. I can say that I took a break from writing to put this piece together. So, I am writing. That is a plus. On the minus end, I am really bored. More to the point, I don’t know how to spend time with family the way family wants. I feel as though I need to be more of the cruise director in my relationship and find cool stuff to do. I do not think she feels that way, but I know she knows I am bored of my day to day. That old Neruda feeling is washing over me as he argues how sick he is of being a man. How he walks ‘into tailorshops and movie houses dried up, waterproof, like a swan made of felt steering my way in a water of wombs and ashes.’ How, ‘the smell of barbershops makes me break into hoarse sobs.’
Perhaps less melancholy but forever moreso drawn away from the daily grind and crunch of this mediocre life. I have in this life a powerful love and a family I can grasp with both hands and feel full. I do not have a way to show them a world that is more than this and less than this steady stream of bad reality boxed in phone screens and the ubiquitous rattle of digitized machine gun fire.
I very much need to get away. I need to get us all away.
Some Thoughts:
- Being honest with myself, I feel bad for not getting my youngest kid involved with a top level youth football program like Tech-U Wolves or Chandler Bears. I regret it, but not as much as I would regret the level of commitment I would need to make to see that through.
- Why not the others? They don’t need that push. They are who they are at whatever level they play at. He’s not that guy. He’s a floater. By that I mean he sinks to the level of the competition or rises to the level. It needs to be beaten out of him. Maybe then it is best he is where he is, so he can start to focus inward on his own love and potential.
- Speaking of potential, I’m back in the gym and feeling really good about the possibilities. Back still hurt after, and I need to wonder if that is at least in part mental now.