Month: February 2020

I started this with the some thoughts and find myself with only a few minutes left. I spent this morning working on my comments for a film presentation I am doing tomorrow. The presentation is on the film, Brotha from another Planet, and it got me thinking about American Dirt. Like BFAP the film is created by a white person who is telling a narrative about a non-white race. The difference is reception. There are likely more differences and I wonder about that book more and more after Stephen King and Sandra Cisneros wrote the blurbs on the back supporting it.

What is the truth there? What is the real problem? Is it the book itself or the fact that the writer clearly does not know how to act or how to promote her writing in a non-offensive way? A lot of layers to be explored there, I think.

Some Thoughts:

1. Still sick.
2. Still bothered by that dad who got at me last weekend at the game about coaching his kid. I am bothered that youth sports are really always about what the parent believes their kid to be and or an opportunity to push their own glory, position, and success. Few people coach youth sports purely out of kindness and an opportunity to spend time with their kids in a fashion that helps their kids improve as men or women in some small but vital way. I don’t know that I was always in it for that either. I know I was when I was coaching with the Juggernauts and leaving that team is a huge regret I still have. In truth I wish I could find a way to roster my kid with that team and that experience again, because where I am is largely about parents chasing rings and glory. I know it is, because that is exactly why we signed up. So, I shouldn’t be angry about that dad who came at me, because I understand exactly where he is coming from. I should be upset and I am upset at recognizing that I was there for the same exact reason.
3. I am also upset by his lack of respect, which goes back to the earlier point about why I was there. I was there to get respect and I didn’t get it from him though I did get it from a lot of the other coaches.
4. What happens next is anyones guess. We will enjoy the season and go from there.

Somehow, I am still very sick.

I am chalking this up to aging. I read recently that Steve Jobs has a brain that was the physical age of 27 when he died. He’d apparently made his brain reverse its aging through meditation. This is something I have heard in one form or another through various monks and such. None, however, point to anything that gets them over a basic sickness such as the flu with any speed. I have that flu.

I don’t find any joy in the feverish days and nights of sickness–especially at a time where my team is readying for a conference and I am all but powerless to help. I could and should take the time to work on my words, but I have not even been able to do that with any real mental strength. I have not been meditating, so I don’t have any of that Monk/Jobs sweet fire that everyone keeps on yapping about.

I do have a plan in theory to teach the elementary school class. I want to break the kids down into small groups, with each group responsible for an aspect of the story–Protagonist, Antagonist (I will use these terms but give secondary terms to help ease the transition into grown up language), Setting, some basic plot stuff (adventure, etc.) and I will give them a strategy to build stories themselves–leaving them with a ‘cheat sheet for storytellers’ that helps them carry the lesson on into the future. I really want what I teach these kids to last. I want it to stick.

What I want more than that is to get right physically. I’m a mess and I don’t know how to be a mess. I’ve spent years and years trying to overlook being sick and now that it is overwhelming me, I really have no framework on how to chill and take it.

I woke up at 7:45 this morning, two whole hours later than I usually am out of bed. Sick. It was obvious from the pounding in my head to the tightness of my throat. When I was a kid I used to love sick days. It was the one chance to sit at home and just chill without fear of retribution. For me retribution usually meant my mom forcing readings down my throat or being asked to do all kinds of chores that generally didn’t get done by me or anyone else. Sidenote: I think the ‘honey-do’ list is a less draconian form of that.

Nowadays sick time is a thing to be absolutely avoided. I don’t want to waste those hours and wind up in a position where I don’t have them when I need them. Moreover, I want to go to work most days. I love what I do. There are times in every compartment of my life (sports, friends, family, work) where I want to escape because the drama quotient feels too high.

I am really sick though. That is a problem, because I don’t actually know how to be sick. I don’t think I can just sit at home. I’m going to work. If it be from the house than so be it.

Some Thoughts:

1. Rough moment on the sidelines this weekend. There was a dad who I thought I was absolutely cool with who absolutely went off on me after I called out his kid on a bad play. He was angry because he feels because I am a dad and a coach I should not be coaching. He put his kid on the team to get away from such things. The reality seems to be a little more complex. I can tell you he doesn’t respect me as a coach (as he doesn’t know me and he has seen me verbally call out his son on multiple occasions), he doesn’t want to see his son called out publicly, and he is pissed that there are dads who are coaching. I get his frustration because I want my kids to succeed and get the best treatment as well. Still, that is not the way to go about it.
2. I won’t coach up his kid anymore. It is not worth the hassle. The kid is not going to get what I have to offer and the ones around him will. I’ve noticed already that the kid looks at me sideways and it makes me wonder what the dad says at home about our staff. I feel that way about a number of dads and a few coaches I work with.
3. It bugged me. It made me think about how I am as a coach among other coaches and to my players specifically. I’ll be better about the call outs as a result, so something positive came out of this.

As I type, the smooth baritone of Mr. Nightmare chimes in the background. He is sharing three truly chilling blizzard horror stories. I have no way of knowing if any of these stories are real, but it does not actually matter. Most of what I write is rooted in reality but flowers with fiction. Mr. Nightmare helps that sometimes, the way Guillermo Del Toro’s creepy office idea inspires the words he composes. It puts me in the mood.

Mood is important. I’ve been re-listening to Peter Clines’ novel Fourteen and he writes of a house where nobody is capable of dreaming. I believe dreams sort me into a mood where I can write, and if I could not dream I’d find myself in a different type of mood in which the words would never arrive.

This, lately, is not far from my present conditions. I have written time and again about the lack of production I am experiencing and the reasons behind that. Once I sit down to compose all of this assorted strangeness into a book on writing and the writing process I’ll make a special section about setting the mood. I believe it may be the most important part of the process next to consistency.

I started this blog with the title: On Load and Balance. I did not have a lot to say on the topic. Perhaps it is because I am mentally overloaded right now. The last few days were hard. Now I am working to figure out how to do everything I need to do tomorrow morning before I leave. The math does not add up less I get up at 5:30 in the morning and get to work quickly enough that I can be done and ready to leave at 8:30. This might be possible but I’m held back by not having a legitimate list of things I need to do in the morning. I have a sense of what is required, but nothing concrete.

So, I am overloaded and unbalanced.

I am trying to juggle so many near-field responsibilities that I am dropping the balls on most of them. I am draining myself quickly and I have no real plan. In other words, it is the weekend.

My goal is that sooner, rather than later, I can get back to productive and thoughtful writing that allows me to add something to the community as opposed to sending nonsense into the digital void again and again.

Not much doing this eve. Just…

Some Thoughts:

1. Had a chance to look at the team tonight. We have a few holes and more than a few positional log jams.
2. Some parents really insist upon building their entire lives around their kids’ sports lives. I am trying hard not to be that guy with varying degrees of success.
3. I need to figure out some core exercises fast.
4. Next week promises to be a lot. I’m really at the point of being overwhelmed by how much I need to do vs. trying to have a lifestyle where I don’t have a ton to do. There needs to be a middle ground as opposed to violent swings in each direction.
5. I think I’ll call that middle ground ‘calm waters’
6. This makes me think about how important the tides are.
7. My partner wants me to tell her stories. How do I tell her I am not good enough to do that anymore? Maybe I am just afraid that I can’t but actually can. All I can really do is try and fail and see what happens next.
8. This is one of those nights where every word is a drawn out struggle. I have nothing at all to say and nothing left to say by default save for goodnight.

I miss the heck out of football. I didn’t even think I did until I watched a few 7on7 youth games this weekend and got that coaching jones. I’m more about participating as part of the game in that way than I am about waiting around for the next season so we can see who the Giants really are now.

That means I am on to the youth games.

The part I am enjoying now is the training. I am reveling in watching my boys get better at the little things, and I am hopeful it translates to better gameplay. I’ve developed home and weekend routines to help them get ready for the coming season. We work on footwork whenever we are together and it should be enough to give them at least a little edge.

Edge against who? That is what I’m working to figure out. I also really dig the research side of the game. Here is who I think will be in the 10u league this season:

1. Argos
2. Raiders
3. Fire Dawgs
4. Predators
5. Jr Jaguars
6. Jr Rams
7. Buffs
8. Trojans
9. OTB Stars
10. Suns (based off their state championship 9u)
11. Rattlers
12. Soldiers
13. Scorpions

That is all I know for now, but I am curious to see who else shows up. I’m excited about the silly world of statting out teams and seeing who is who and who is real.

I spend a good portion of my life hours working at a college which maintains an indoor gallery space that is usually filled with faculty work. I spent several moments perusing the faculty work and remembering that a lot of people who teach are also very talented at what they teach. This is easily forgotten. There is even a saying around the subject: Those who can’t, teach. I’ve always been offended by the saying, but subconsciously I find that even I connect ones ability to teach to ones ability to do. If I find that a teacher isn’t very good I have at times directly related it to their talent. That is unfair.

teaching a craft is a different skill set than the craft itself. I consider myself a decent And engaging writing Instructor, but that doesn’t come from the same well in which my stories are dredged up and drank down by my readers. There is a connection to be sure, but teaching is a separate language than doing.

knowing this gives me a better perspective on dealing with people and understanding how we can be good at some things and not others.

some thoughts:

1. Curious about how fashion items work. There is this one backpack -someThing like kilraven or something Swedish sounding. It is very ordinary but to have it seems to be a necessity for a particular type of female look. I don’t understand why these things are such, but I want to.

I am coming off a pretty good weekend. I had the opportunity to hang with my family, spend the afternoon and evening with the love of my life, watch the Oscars, watch the kids play sports, coach a little… All of it filled me with such an energy as to catapult me into this week. I feel good still this Monday eve as I contemplate the rest of the week and the enormity of all that I am trying to put together. This is the life I’ve chosen and the life I enjoy.

It is overall, a good life.

Some Thoughts:

1. Excited and curious about the NY Giants rebuild process given the stack of coaching talent being applied to the task. I don’t know what Jason Garrett is really about on offense, but if his early Zeke years are any indication, then there is hope.
2. Our not so new puppy continues to pee all over the house and we really do not have a strategy to stop it. This is driving me straight mad.
3. As I continue to age there are a handful of things I am worried about–loss of vision, heart damage due to race, age and weight, and hunching. That 3rd one seems more and more important.
4. I guess there is a 4th–back injury. My back is less than par.

“Grab them by the pussy.” He said. Yet because he has the momentum of the GOP and a fraction of our nation and churches behind him, we choose to ignore these things. We choose to ignore or highlight all kinds of things about people, because it allows us to reflect back upon them what we think is important and beyond that reflect back upon them what we ourselves fear, face, and need to address.

This is a post that is about Kobe and not about Kobe. In 2003 Kobe was accused of rape by a then 19 yr old hotel worker. In the wake of the #metoo arrival, these cases have gained more attention and the victims (both individual victims and the collective of people who feel victimized) have sought to highlight this as the central tenet of any one person who has this mark upon them. As they brand their scarlet letters upon the chests of men (and yes, the movement has predominantly focused on men) the goal has increasingly been to bring down more and more noted and powerful figures, as if to say, “This is what all men we revere do. This is what all men we revere are.” I argue that the goal of such things is to view public figures through the walls of a glass house and say aloud that what they have done matters only in the context of what they have been accused of.

But what did he do? In the post-accusation statement Kobe spoke from a well-crafted and prepared lawyer statement in which he said, “I also want to make it clear that I do not question the motives of this young woman. No money has been paid to this woman. She has agreed that this statement will not be used against me in the civil case. Although I truly believe this encounter between us was consensual, I recognize now that she did not and does not view this incident the same way I did. After months of reviewing discovery, listening to her attorney, and even her testimony in person, I now understand how she feels that she did not consent to this encounter. “

There is a ton to unpack there–especially in consideration of the 2.5 million dollar max a victim may be awarded in a civil lawsuit of this sort, the fact that she came from a supposedly prominent and wealthy family, and the fact that DNA evidence revealed she had been with multiple men that evening. There are reasons on both sides not to go to trial and key among them I believe is the quiet role that her parents and Kobe’s wife played in the choices that were made. Still, I am not excusing the actions. I am saying that the actions are not the period at the end of his life.

So why then do we treat it that way?

Earlier I mentioned Trump. Will he be remembered as an orange-faced womanizer and recipient of 23 sexual misconduct allegations? Probably not. There are levels and reasons here. One obvious one being that he is a politician now and there are different rules and emotional attachments in place. We tell ourselves (even subconsciously) that we voted for this person and we as a result are complicit. We never want to be complicit. Which is part of why the Kobe stuff is coming out now. It is the way that many in the media are saying they were not complicit.

Well, I am saying that he is still a hero and deserves to be treated like one. Heroes are human and their crimes should not be excused, but they should not be defined by such things–especially when no crime has been adjudicated and no final truth discovered.