Month: May 2020

Actually, Monday bares a strong resemblance to Sunday lately. I am not driving to work, I spend a lot of time with my feet in the pool and my eyes on a laptop, and the news sucks. What has me slightly riled up today is #runwithMaud (perhaps mistagged) stuff where people are paying tribute to Arbery by running 2.3 miles. One man decided to do it while carrying a tv and hauling ass through neighborhoods. He was not stopped or harassed or, by his account, even noticed. He was also white. I hate that this is the reality though it totally is.

Some Thoughts:

1. I deeply despise Fortnite. I mean visceral dislike. Here is why: It encourages people to make excuses and complain for hours. There is a clear delineation of talent between those who have hundred of thousands of followers and those who are complaining about the suck. However, the new excuse is that there is too much talent in the North American servers thus you cannot really do well. This is justified by players going over to foreign servers and winning games. Sure, you are winning, but against who? This reminds me of bad football teams acting like they won a championship because they defeated the worst three teams in the league. Here is my thing: Go where the talent lives and get better. Don’t bitch because the talent is good. That is literally the definition of talent.
2. I also think that there is a mindset with gamers that they can hop on any game and just “yeet” because they have natural gaming talent. What does that mean? Hand eye coordination? A basic understanding of button layout and keyboarding skills? Quick adaptation to rulesets? It is a less defined thing than physical sports (antiquated sports?) and I find that compelling.
3. Also my A key is sticking and it is ruining my flow…

The Ahmaud Arbery situation is a fervent reminder of what it means to be black in some parts of America. Not all parts. I grew up in different states and different scenarios of blackness that morphed as the years passed. I grew up in New York City during the time of the Central Park 5 and Bernard Getz where it was absolutely open season on black males. I grew up knowing that being black meant I needed to behave a particular way in scenarios with the law and even a particular way in public in order to avoid being seen as a criminal and, frankly, to avoid being shot dead on suspicion on doing stuff.

I survived that. I didn’t rebel. I didn’t get mad about it. I lived in a period of acceptance not unlike the slaves long ago who largely accepted their circumstances because those were the only circumstances they knew. It was how things were when I was a kid, and I was a kid who was taught to respect how things were. I grew out of that. I learned to get mad. I fell into the September 29th movement at Iowa State and learned about racial rage. I believed after a while that things were getting better. But were they?

Trumpism is about racism, plain and simple. It is a reaction to ‘things getting better’ and a concerted effort to scapegoat brown people and a subornation of cronyism. It reminds me that things have not changes all that much when you look deep down. The good has risen to the surface but the deepest waters are still cold with discrimination and power that belongs to those who are not like me. It isn’t going away any time soon. More brown people have to be in power and many more brown people will die before it changes for good.

Some Thoughts:

1. Once I really get going in the writing it is all good stuff. Not in the sense of what I write is gold, but in the sense that once I start I get on a roll and want to create more and more material.

My process, unfortunate as it is, is to let a idea marinate in my head until I approach the date where I must act. Once that date is very close I pull the idea out of my head, slap it on the grill, and flash fry that sucker as quickly as possible. It is not a good process, and in my old age I am learning that I need to do things differently. I lack the writing stamina I once had. I presume this is due to generalized fatigue and poor sleeping habits. However, it could be due to a variety of attention hogging processes running at or about the same time. Such is the way (and paves the path for a need for a new way as oft discussed in this spot).

Tonight is that write night, where I will be putting multiple stories down on paper in an effort to secure the rights to write a 10K novella. I have several of these in me. Once I get into a story I can fire it off pretty quickly, but the marinating does take a while.

I have two that I m putting forward. The 3rd never really got there. The 1st is mostly soaked and the second feels like the one that is most ready for the grill… Okay I cannot carry this metaphor any further, because it is dumb. The fact is, I have some ideas that are not entirely formed yet and the time frame for forming them is nearly expired. As a result, I am putting out there what I got, and what I got would probably be really high level if it had a couple of revision passes. This is entirely the story of my writing career.

I don’t blame Covid or any external factors. I created the majority of those factors and within them there is still time to put butt in chair and words on page. The fact is I’ve been extremely lazy and unfocused. It shouldn’t take a deadline to focus me, but it generally does. This is a lack in life I need to permanently address. Once that happens, I can put out work with the best of them as opposed to watching the rest of them pass me by.

I still do not believe the average American under the age of 30 is taking this very seriously. Part of that is because of the way the disease was initially expressed. Anything said to target old people is usually ignored by younger people who, to a certain age, believe they are invulnerable. In fact, I don’t think many Americans were bothered by this at all until the states went on lockdown. At that point the pandemic became an inconvenience, and some people really started paying attention.

We failed in the PR sense with this one. We failed with the term ‘social distancing.’ Why create a softball PC term when we could say maintain physical distancing and add menace to the rule. We ought to be maintaining that physical distance and we ought to be treating this disease as a dangerous murderer vs. Stuff we had to endure. However, the hyperpartisan news providers that spit out filter-bubble tailored data have a different agenda: Keep people watching.

All of this makes me wonder if our species is really going to be okay in the future. We may not be built for this earth long term.

The toughest part about raising boys is teaching them how to be men. That means they need to grow up and not cry or whine over every slight. I’m fighting against society in this way, because all they consume is youtube streams filled with people screaming and crying and whining over every slight. Let me tell you, this is a battle I must win yet don’t seem to be doing a very good job of winning. Instead I find myself unmoored and, frankly, unclear on setting boundaries, establishing routine, and following through. Life is hard that way, but I believe it will make them better people in the long run.

Some Thoughts:

1. In the distance my second born is watching Rise of Skywalker and lamenting the fact he wasn’t with me on the 4th and thus could not celebrate the faux-holiday that is Star Wars day.
2. I am resting in bed, nursing a sore back that has been getting steadily worse over the past few days. My health is not what it should be. I’ve been thinking about that lately. The other day I saw a video of Mike Tyson working out and everyone who commented jumped to conclusions about a comeback. I myself thought about Tyson when he let himself go and was fat and sad. I feel like fat sad Mike. I get wanting to break free of the funk. Now, do I have the will to get to a better and healthier place?

Sports ain’t back. Talking with a fellow coach I learned that baseball intends to have youth tourneys by memorial day with some strange rules including no more than 3 in a dugout and the rest spread out along the 1st and 3rd baselines. What I wonder is this: when both teams have 9+, how are you maintaining the less than 10 rule? Regardless, I am about the football. I am about the youth game to some extent, but largely about the Giants. Are they going to be any good this year?

No.

Well, kind of. I’m expecting second in the NFC east with the possibility of a wildcard spot given the new expansion. I think if that happens the squad has a legit shot to go all the way. Why? Because they’re that team. Barely scrape past .500 and win the Super Bowl. Manning Style. Except we don’t have Manning. We have Danny Drops and a developing line behind which Saquon may run wild. I hope. I think the new offense will be built for that and that is a huge benefit. Of course, all of this is contingent on the return of football this fall… If it doesn’t return, how do we determine draft picks?

I am missing the coaching side of things, but I spend enough time coaching up the kids that I do not entirely worry about missed opportunities in youth sports. With the Spring season cancelled my mid kid only has one opportunity left to play youth sports and that is this summer at the California tourney. Only, is that going to happen? Should it? I am no longer so certain.

Some Thoughts:

1. Have I mentioned that I miss sports?
2. I also miss this weird little grindcore band called An*l C**t
3. It pleases me to get to write that name for the first time in over a decade.. nearly two.
4. Yep, it is a strange Wednesday indeed.
5. I’ve been crafting in a new world and I am extremely happy about my progress. I’ve been more mindful of the world and started by laying the foundation for a farm and securing the neighboring city. The farm ought to give me enough income to power up all of the villagers and expand the town to the size where I have a few options from each profession. Then I can work on getting the goods I need to accomplish the main goal: Build a kick ass castle.

Started a new Minecraft world and I am thoroughly enjoying the experience. Starting fresh can be a pain in the butt in any endeavor, largely due to what starting fresh actually means. In short, it means abandoning everything that came before it. This is true of story as much as of games. In Minecraft it can take an extremely long time to reach the point where you can pursue the endgame-esque scenarios. It can be even longer to find an end portal (128 possible fortresses in an unlimited world and most don’t have portals). For me it was just good times to dig down deep into a hole and find some Iron Ore. That’s all. Just an excersise in digging, and for the most part without the meditative quality of listening to a book as I did it. In truth, this was a truer meditation, because I give myself over to the digging with an empty mind. When I surfaced, I realized I want to build a truly epic castle and adjoining town.

So, Minecraft is going well and bringing me joy. Five days out from a pitch deadline I am on the cusp of my first story idea. I have to develop a few more over the next couple of days, but this first one has legs. At least, it has a character who has a solid backstory to stand on. Now the plot is not entirely there, but it will be.

Between Minecraft and Writing it is hard to even consider that I have so much more going on. There is the work life (all is well and quiet). There is being a dad (we bought Catan and… my Gosh). There is football. Well, there is not football. We play 11 man in the age of 10 people or less gathering. The best we can hope for is 5 on 5 flag for the foreseeable future. I suppose I’ve moved on in a real sense. I am at that point of believing that training the brood is more valuable than the game time they get in these youth clashes. I am looking forward to designing a regimen for the weekend.

That’s all. That is me on a Cinco De Mayo Tuesday fresh off a burrito and a smile.

At some point the wheels completely fell off. I’ve been puttering along, trying to maintain a semblance of order without resorting to lists. As I continued on I recognized, and ignored, a murder of tasks that just were not being handled. Now I find myself at that point of overwhelmedness where I recognize that all those little things in small but necessary areas of my life have piled up once again to the point of sadness and distraction. I blame Minecraft. I blame Clash Royale too. The moment the craft world fell apart via glitch I was able to reallocate those attention resources to other things. Given that I’ve stopped Clash as well, I found myself with an abundance of attention resources that wandered into the dangerous territory of ‘what really needs to get handled?”

As I quickly discovered, a lot needs to get handled and I don’t really want to have to deal with any of it. Now I am suffering a fatal error in my memory stack. I am caught between all of these responsibilities that fell into the active queue and a lack of creative energy. This is a toxic combination. Suddenly I am in worker bee mode six days out from a major creative deadline. Honestly, I haven’t a clue how to deal with the slog except to deal with the slog.

I need to open up the notebook, reattach the stickies to the board, and get down to the business of handling my business. It isn’t fun or sexy, but neither am I when my mind (and thus body) falls prey to the slog. I am clearly not built for the slog and it takes a heavy toll on my personage. I’ll make it through the next two days of slog and perhaps by wednesday be open to the creative arts. Also, I can rely on the fact that I have a partner who loves me and makes me feel like I can handle things. That helps a lot.

Anyhow, checklists begin again.

I took the weekend off from checking work emails and the sky fell. I have a great deal to repair come morning it seems. One should not take a 48+ hour reprieve come finals season. Especially not in the time of Covid. So, I know now that no matter how things were before this, I shall be remembered as that teacher who went completely dark. That student memory is a funny thing.

I’m drinking an Old Fashioned (wanted one for the last 3 days) and typing with my off finger because the injury I mentioned the other day is still problematic. I cannot say if it is old age or a legit injury. Let’s just say I am not one of those action movie folks who gets winged and then keeps going like it doesn’t matter. It matters. It also hurts.

No, I am not a whiny baby either. Quit asking.

Instead you ought to ask me about what makes me happy these days. Well it is a very short list led by cuddles. Past that it is playing games with the family, sticking my toes in the water, and Minecraft. At least it WAS Minecraft until the world I’ve completely thrown my back into was corrupted. I overreacted and deleted all prior worlds and now I am in a hard reboot phase. I’m looking for a good seed with at least a town I can work with to build my paradise.

Note: I did not mention writing. I am struggling again. I recently read a Stephen King story about that very struggle. It disturbed me. It also reminded me that the only way to love writing is to be writing, so I feel that I need to be doing more of that in the coming weeks.

In the coming weeks I need to be doing more of getting my head right and remembering my priorities, because that has certainly been a bit of a slog. I get the work done, but it is a boom or bust work mentality. Thankfully I have enough talent that the boom really works. However, I feel that talent draining out of me from the endless cycle that seems to permeate every aspect of my professional life.

Long story made short: I gotta get into a groove.

Playing football today I sprained a finger. It was actually fine for hours and now it hurts like hell, even after two ibuprofen. So i am hacking away at this keyboard with one hand and trying to ride the waves of pain coming from the other…

sprains do not normally feel like this. And typing rarely goes this slowly

Some Thoughts:

1. high strung kids are especially annoying. I am at the point where i am about to toss the majority of my cups and have already outlawed water bottles because of the fights this crap causes. One kid extolls that cups are too dirty and he can only use water bottles and only drink them cold and never replaces them.