Month: November 2020

A few months ago I was fired from my job. This was a side job–one that I enjoyed parts of but despised the culture and paperwork. Thinking about that today had me grateful for my real job as a tenured professor. This is a job I realize they wanted me to give up to work for them, and thankfully I did not. Job security matters. It means that you can take chances and learn and make mistakes and grow. As a faculty member I’ve done and continue to do all of those things with the knowledge that a mistake is not going to end my career. If I try out new content and students are just meh about it, I am not going to lose my job.

For others tenure might mean that it is time to stop working altogether. I’ve gone through moments of that myself. I went a solid semester where I was thinking ‘how little can I do?’ and then I realized that it is not who I am as a person. So, I did more. I poured more into the classroom experience. I am the instructor I am today because I realize that I want to be there doing what I am doing.

I will never forget the video conference where I was fired. I will never forget how those two under-qualified individuals smiled at me and gleefully told me I was done working with them. I will never forget how the actual talent of the place–the writers who matter most to the clients–rallied to me and told me they still wanted to roll with me. That showed me that I was doing the right thing. The firing showed me that taking chances doesn’t work in corporate life and neither does growth.

You go along to get along. You keep your head down and you let the boss pretend to be a God. At some point in the near future that experience will translate into my writing. I look forward to writing about it in a fictionalized world. However, in the real world I look forward to continuing to focus on growing and getting better in a safe environment where the wolves are not at your back.

Real talk: The Giants have a shot at the playoffs. What happens once in is anyone’s guess. They could make it to the second round. Jones could continue to grow and perhaps become a legit QB. It all comes down to winning the division, which comes down to what these other NFC teams do. Washington needs to beat Cincy, Philly needs to beat the Browns, and Dallas needs to beat Minnesota. I don’t see any of that happening, so I see NY cruising on this Bye week and somehow emerging as the NFC East favorite.

Nuts.

So what do I think is going to happen this week? Let’s run down the wire!

SEA over AZ
Seattle has a Russ problem. My bet is they get it turned around this week at home or the season is flat out over.

CIN over WAS
Washington is a decent team. I’ve learned more about what they have since I took them over in Madden and turned them into the Black Knights. What they don’t have is enough of a secondary to stop Cincy.

ATL over NO
Winston is playing for a job and I think that is going to lead to him overdoing it. He’ll throw more than he should and detract from the run balance that makes this engine go. By RUN I mean short passes to Kamara. Winston wants to go big and not dump it off.

PIT over JAX
Jags cannot consistently start a QB. This is the opposite of a good situation when facing that new steel curtain of a defense.

NE over HOU
Patriots are getting to the good part of their schedule, folks. Things are going to be okay. It will come down to them vs. Bills for AFC East dominance.

CLE over PHI
Not sure Mayfield is a world-beater, but I do have faith in that run game.

DET over CAR
No CMC. No W-I-N

BAL over TEN
This is going to be a ground and pound dogfight which is going to be won out in the end by speed.

LAC over NYJ
Trap alert! I just picked up the Chargers D for this one. I think Flacco makes this team go much better than Darnold, but I also think Darnold is trash so… regardless, I don’t think the Jets really want it all that badly.

MIA over DEN
Dolphins win this one because Tua brings that fire and the D brings that smoke.

MIN over DAL
Trap alert! Yep. MIN needs to show up for this game. They should win easily, but they should know that the Cowboys could sneak one in on them.

GB over IND
Dogfight. I still think Rodgers has more and better weapons.

KC over LV
There is a story circulating about how LV took a victory lap around the stadium in their busses after that last meeting. That kind of bulletin board crap actually does get some players fired up. However, I think chasing the Steelers for the 1 seed is really what motivates KC to get the win.

TB over LA
Rams are in a scrum for the lead in their division. TB is starting to feel how good they can be.

Lately I have come to notice that I’ve defined myself as being bleak. That is because my life has felt quite bleak for a while now. However, that is not all of it. Covid-19 kept most of us at home and uncovered a great deal of nastiness that was lurking in our collective subconscious. I’m largely empathic by nature and I am feeling the weight of the world around me and I tell you, it is not good.

We are happiest when we are able to direct rage at something or someone. We are a species of blame, and here in America we have a media mechanism that serves to amplify that blame. I am blaming the media. The purpose of the media is twofold: Inform the public & Make money. The second purpose is unquestionable. Outside of C-Span and NPR, everyone is in it for profit. It is funny to me that those two (particularly NPR) are seen as bastions of liberalism. In fact, it is often those with an agenda to shape the news that scream the loudest about others shaping the news and about how fair and balanced they themselves are. In this way the argument is tainted to assure their viewers and readers that the point of view they project is balanced and anything to the left or right of that is clearly skewed.

People are largely sheep in this sense. We want to live in a filter bubble composed of the reality that best suits our present beliefs and belief system. We want to be led and to forget about the things that we don’t want to think about or at least criminalize and demonize them in a way that projects them as the other. This is what happens on the media feeds every day and in every way. This is part of the weight I carry because I tune in. I take in as much of it as I can and I know it is bullshit, yet I carry it around inside my head and get angry or sad because it does, in fact, exist.

What is my alternative? Tune out? Only tune in to the stuff that makes me feel good? Find the closest signal to what I perceive as ‘middle’ as I can? Does my reading of AP and Reuters somehow eliminate the reality of OANN and NewsMax? Does it make CNN make sense? I’m not even prepared to discuss what happens on Discord, Snapchat, and Instagram–where most of our young go for information.

Instead I swallow it all down like castor oil for the soul, except it is not making me better. It is making me worse. It is draining me. It is affecting my ability to function, to do anything that isn’t checking out entirely on this reality. All of my problems are not this. However, this problem exists and it is slowly killing me.

Monday.

Sucks.

The best thing I can say about the day is that I walked to the grocery store, bought OJ, and walked back. I bought other stuff too but at least 50% of the other stuff was a failed purchase. How one manages to buy the wrong lightbulbs in this day and age is beyond me…

Meanwhile my latest refuge, Madden, is becoming maddeningly non-refuge like. I blame the kids. They scour the web for videos on how to hack trades and glitch the franchise mode. We are supposed to be having fun, building teams to battle each other, and playing by the known and accepted set of rules. This is not the way.

However, it does give me the idea for a video game. It is similar to franchise in that each player controls a city, but instead of recruiting players they are recruiting super-powered warriors or Kaiju to fight for them. It could be a sport game as well, I suppose. I wish to design an entirely new sport like was done in Harry Potter. That would likely mean writing something that sells and catches on.

Since I brought up writing, I will bring up the fact that I didn’t really do any today and as a result I am terribly behind for the week. November has been no Wrimo for me. I’m trying to fall into a steady writing flow, but it is not working the way I planned. Instead I am back to the classic starts and fits that have long plagued me. Most of that has to do with emotional highs and lows and letting that guide my words.

Lately ‘Very Low’ feels like my high point. At least I am nearly ready to add time to my life again. Covid killed winter sports, and the end of the football season is nigh (read: Saturday). I will have more time to devote to other tasks. Lest I waste that time on more of the lows. Such is the way I found myself in bed most of the day and, eventually, attempting to walk it off.

Life goes on. I’ve gone on for ten minutes too.

A lot of football this Sunday. From the amazing catch by D-Hop to our very enjoyable end to a Madden season to the start of a new one. I had a good time immersing myself in football for several hours and feel really good moving forward into the winter season where there are a few more months of football on the tube and just this last week of football in person. We end the season in 6 days. I am excited for it to be over. I’m done with the season. I’ve seen a great deal of growth from the youngest and regression from the other two. The net balance sucks, especially when we account for injury.

I am happy to be done with going to football three times a week. It is a valuable part of my life and one that is lessening over time. Still it is becoming more and more seasonal and less and less about the team the boys are playing for as opposed to the personal growth they need to undergo themselves.

The Madden stuff continues to be a really really good time for me. I love video games and love playing them with the boys, so that is a perfect pairing.

Rough day all around. My partner got into a car accident where a man on a scooter crashed into her car and smashed into the windshield. He wasn’t terribly hurt but for a moment she thought she’d killed a man. It made me think of the time I did contribute to killing a man.

I was driving home on with my kids and then wife. There is a section of the road where cars can cur across the road to get to the other side where they can go the opposite direction. A car darted out and tried to cross in front of us and I clipped it. The car continued on into oncoming traffic and the other cars hit it. The driver died later that evening. I was at the hospital with my son when it happened. We were waiting while my son was being treated from the accident and his family was in the same waiting room. It was devastating to see them dealing with this experience, yet at the same time I held some anger because my own child was injured in that accident and my wife was also put at risk. I held anger and sadness in my heart at once. It taught me a lot about myself. It showed me the depths of anger I can reach and of sadness and responsibility as well.

She’s feeling a bit of that. She’s feeling the heaviness of nearly taking a life. I empathize with her, because it is hard to absorb. It does not matter that he lived and even was relatively unharmed, but the possibility that he wouldn’t have been still exists. In one version of reality–in one of the endless streams of possibility–that man did die just as the man in my own incident lived or I died or my child or wife did. To be introduced to the multitude of terrifying possibilities is a lot to deal with. It changed my sense of reality when it happened. I wonder still how she will grow from the experience.

Farrier

Carac stood at the top of the hill, looking down into a wooded valley as the sun started it’s long climb into the morning sky. He wasn’t happy to be awake. He never started mornings happy. The rich smell of cow dung, the sound of chickens, and the insistent clang of metal on metal was not his way. It was his father’s way. Carac was son to Merek, principle blacksmith of the village of Harth, key waypoint on the southern trail towards Arrowyndale, first guardianship of the crown. All of this title was foolishness to him. Carac cared for none of it. In his eleven years he’d only once touched a hammer to that curious bend of metal that shoed a horse’s clod feet. He didn’t understand why horses needed shoes. He didn’t understand why the women of the village thought the task so popular and necessary. Likewise, he did not understand why his own mother found the attention so draining.

Carac preferred to spend his mornings on this hilltop, his back to the village and his eyes fixed on the road that wound through the forrest. When he was small his mother would speak stories about wood fairies. She told him of one, Sahna, who would kiss little boys and with her powers make them fly like birds. However, if they flew too long their noses would start to grow long and hard, curving downwards until they became almost as beaks. If they continued to take the fairies kiss after that they could themselves become crows or swallows or hawks and be lost to the world of men forever.

Terrowin had a long crooked nose. He’d not noticed it until after his mother’s tales. Terrowin was son to Ulric the farmer and the fifth child of the line. The second boy, he was often reminded. The second son was never the inheritor, so he had to work harder to find a space of his own. Carac thought Terrowin might have wanted to find a birds space, so he asked him just once about his nose. He asked if he’d taken the fairies kiss and Terrowin punched him in the stomach. Carac didn’t ask about much after that.

Now, as his looked into the forrest he thought he saw lights moving among the trees. It was very hard to tell, because it was morning and the rays of the new sun cut through the branches and played off the morning’s dew, but he still thought he saw lights. He thought, perhaps, he saw fairies. He wondered if his mother’s stories were always just stories or if they could be real. He wanted to see the fairies. He wanted just one brief kiss and the chance to fly above the trees and feel the wind move through his hair and past his ears in a great woosh the way it did when he slid down Maker’s hill in the winter. He wanted to have an adventure. He wanted to see something more than his father promised. He wanted more than horse hooves and pounding of a hammer on anvil and the curious smiles it brought.

He wanted a life of his own.

I’m going to get straight into it:

Titans over Colts
Thursday Night Games are about short weeks. Short weeks are about the run game. Titans run this. Unfortunately, this game is already going as I make the pick and I may be making the wrong pick. I also may not be starting the guy I should have started in TY Hilton.

Giants over Eagles
Them birds should’ve lost the last one. Jones threw the game–something he is slowly learning not to do. He is getting the benefit of missing a lot of talent, but if I am being honest, he is probably not ready to be an NFL starter. Regardless, he is what we got and our D is what is keeping us in this thing.

GB over JAX
Easy work here. The bay may have lost two, but they won’t be beat by a thinned out Jax team competing for the top draft pick.

WAS over DET
The Redskins are better when Smith is at the Helm. He is going to prove he has life left in him.

CLE over HOU
Running game is back at full strength with Chubb back in that starting role. The two back attack is tough to slow, and I think they play better without Beckham, because they aren’t leaning on the dude.

TB over CAR
No McCaffery. No Chance.

MIA over LAC
The Dolphins might be pretty good this year. Who would’ve thought they would be after last season’s mass exodus?

LV over Denver
This game has major fantasy implications for me no matter the outcome. I need big scores and action throughout. Still, I think the Raiders are a big time team this season and they will show it again Sunday.

BUF over ARI
Another big point game this week. The cards lack the defense to really put the brakes on BUF, but they’ll score a lot themselves.

NO over SF
Not really expecting much out of SF. They need to consider making a move at QB.

SEA over LA
At 6-2 this game is pivotal for SEA. They need a win and a Cards loss to have any room to breathe. They know this, man.

CIN over PIT
TRAP GAME ALERT!!!! I see this going too good for my man Burrow. This is going to be one that people remember.

BAL over NE
The Patriots are lacking talent across the field and that is not just about Covid.

MIN over CHI
Foles is not that guy. No, this is not like the Darnold argument. Foles has and can do great things, but only for a few weeks. He has proven himself to be the football equivalent of a relief pitcher. No clue why this is the case.

Some Thoughts:

1. I have really reached that point as a coach where I have to question if I am daddy coaching or not. The fact that I have to question it means that it is time for me to just be a dad. That being said, I don’t think I am the only one relying on people who I feel a particular way about and I am convinced this is going to cost us the game on Saturday. This is not 7 on 7. You cannot touch a receiver and he is down. You have to bring him down after the catch and we are not putting the guys out there who are going to do that. There may be other reasons at work here–namely my kid had 0 stamina. Still, if he isn’t running the ball either then I have to ask what the heck is going on. That is why I have to ask if I am daddy coaching or just exhibiting common sense.

Playoff listing is out and man, I am disappointed in this league. The owner blames Covid, but I don’t. I feel like he put a lot of work into D1 and let the rest slip. Still there are some match ups. As a coach of a weighted team that went into an unweighted league, I am really looking forward to seeing the GYFC Bruisers move through the playoffs and, hopefully, knock out the AZ Suns in the ‘ship. The start with the AZ Champions 10u, who are largely weighted kids playing unweighted and they should win easily. The Bruisers are the real deal. They are anchored by a core of kids whose parents are former NFL and NFL agents. That means the level of education about the game they are getting from these individuals is top shelf. I look forward to seeing what they do.

In terms of our own play we ended up at the bottom. Team 4 of 4 in the D1 bracket. We too play a Suns team. We play the 11u suns in a matchup I’ve been looking forward to seeing. They are a good overall team and have a solid record. I haven’t seen a lot of what they do, but I know my son will have a serious matchup at corner against a basketball star turned WR. Should be exciting. The hype train is already running and flooding instagram, so we will see. He’s playing his best football–fearless football–which should help us do what we need in the run game and on defense.

Meanwhile the D2 team is mired in a bad situation. There were already several d2 teams and they were all sorted into groups based solely on records. The d2 squad only played 2 games and finished the season 1 and 1. Meanwhile two of the D1 teams who didn’t make the playoffs wound up slipping down past the top 8 d2 teams into the second tier of d2 competition and will be facing off against our d2 in the playoffs. We already played one of those teams and it didn’t go well. Sounds like a rematch is coming…

That is all the youth stuff. The Fantasy stuff is even worse for me. I’m dead last in my family league. I’m #2 in the coach rankings (based on starting the right people week to week) and #3 in true rankings (an aggregate based on coaching, points for and against, and record). Still, the record is J U N K. I am about to miss the playoffs without a major turnaround.

I’ve been talking this out for nearly ten minutes, so I will continue this tomorrow when I make my picks. Suffice to say, I expect things to get better and I realize things only get better when you work harder and do more research, so I ought to get on that.

I am in the woods again. Sort of. I’m in a cabin surrounded by family and steps away from the arms of my woman. I’m in a good place mentally and emotionally today. Though I am deep in the heart of Trump country (nearly every house still has the signs up) I am in a good physical place and deep in the space of opportunity. I am taking this time to work on my relationship.

In spite of Covid (or maybe because of it?) I am not spending the time with my partner the best way. I’m distracted and always a sentence away from football or work (mostly football). I am not presenting the best version of myself. I allow the ills of the world and my stress and my empathy turned bad to gestate and finally explode. This time in the woods is always a chance to let the problems of the world melt away. They do, largely. What often remains are the unfinished words.

No matter how far I run the stories are right there demanding to be written. I am working towards finishing a novel outline and a shadowrun adventure, both slated for completion tomorrow. I don’t need all day. I need a few hrs perhaps to be a writer, and I am sure that I will find that time and space.

Overall I feel like I am in a place of opportunity in all aspects of my life. I feel like things can go really well for me. They can go badly as well, but I want to focus on the positive and continue to operate as though the positive is the natural default.

Some Thoughts:

1. just keep swimming…